What have I gotten myself into?

Avatar for cirrus1993
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
What have I gotten myself into?
5
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 8:58pm

I just had the worst weekend of my life and I dont know what to make of it.
I had an argument with my boyfriend of 1 yr 3 mos, and it got very ugly. He can be very demanding and wants lots of attention and he thinks its some cute virgo trait and I should usually comply or he gets upset. Well, I have about had it with complying to some of his requests, and when I voiced it saturday night he held me down on the bed, screamed in my face, and would not let me up though I cried, begged, and screamed. He put his hand over my mouth and at one time the pillow over my head for a few seconds. He was screaming in my face telling me something about how I cant control myself like this was some kind of therapy in his eyes to teach me a lesson. He also screamed if I wanted him to leave forever and never see him again and I told him yes. This went on for probably a duration of 5 minutes. All I could think about was getting out of the room and leaving. I wanted to get my keys and leave, and he would not let me leave the room. I could only go in the bathroom and cry. Then he calmed down and wanted to talk to me, hold me, and is sorry and blah blah blah, will never do that again.

My parents divorced when I was 8, and as a child I saw my father beat the crap out of my mother. I am recently divorced after a 11 year marriage and that man never physically or emotionally hurt me at all (just neglected me). I always said I would NEVER be in that situation and am a very strong person, and now I feel like I am and I dont know what to do.

My current relationship started out wonderful, he was everything I ever wanted, a dream come true. He moved in with me quickly. I thought I had found my soulmate and was so happy. And in the past month I have noticed him becoming more controlling and accusatory. I would have married him already, but he hasnt divorced his wife he separated from 6 yrs ago, and I am grateful for that! He wants to give me an engagement ring for christmas, I dont even want it now. I never expected this and I am crushed. I dont know what to do. I have told him how I feel, and he apologizes, says he will never hurt me again and if he becomes angry he will take a walk instead. He says he never hurt any of his past girlfriends/wife and I can ask them. I am too embarrased to tell anyone about this. I am very depressed now. Is there any hope for this or do I have to get him out of my life? I also have 2 children who are attached to him and he seems good with, but they were not home when this incident took place. I dont need him financially, but I love(d?) him so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:35am

In all honesty, i dont know if technically one incident of "abuse" makes one an abuser - but what i DO know is that in my opioin, someone either has it in them, or not. & the fact that he held you down, held you against your will AND put that pillow over your face - i woudl be VERY hesitatant to "forgive" OR "forget" it. & truly, i dont know how you could ever forgive or forget it. I wish i had "advice" for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:02am

That must have been very scary for you! I've been through similar things, and the first time it happened it was an awful surprise, too.

He certainly sounds like an abuser, and the chance of more and scarier things happening in the future are pretty high. Abusers might apologize, but they continue to abuse after the "honeymoon" period is over, and the abuse tends to increase over time.

Whether you stay with him or not is certainly your call, but since you have children, you might want to think about how this kind of relationship will affect them. Children model what they see, and they often pick up on more than we think they do.

Also, the longer you stay with an abuser, the harder it is to leave because they whittle you down bit by bit with their tactics.

There's an excellent book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft that describes the many different types of abusers & their styles of abuse. In the book, Bancroft says only about 1% of abusers change, and it takes a long, long time and extensive abuse counseling for that to happen.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:16am

Welcome, Cirrus.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:28am

I have to chime in.


Hi Cirrus -


This ain't no cute Virgo trait.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:23pm

Welcome, cirrus!

Truth be told, this guy sounds a *lot* like my own not-so-dear Leon the Loony. LTL's line, rather than calling the stuff he would do a "cute Virgo trait" was to blame it on his "hot Latino temper". Well, it should come as a surprise to no one that the vast majority of Latino men are not in the habit of throwing temper tantrums in restaurants and hiding birth control pills. By the same token, I highly doubt that most Virgo men are in the habit of trying to suffocate people and demanding constant attention. LTL also wanted to get married right away, wanted to move in right away, etc. These are not healthy ways to conduct a normal relationship.

I know you love(d) him, but the sad fact of it is, you two have one trait in common- you're both in love with the same person; him! I really think it's best to get out now before things go any further. Even if this was the first time, if he did it once, he has the capability to do it again, and the next time could be worse.

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