Is what I am feeling normal???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Is what I am feeling normal???
3
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 7:38pm
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 yrs. several weeks ago. I broke things off b/c of the the physical stuff (pushing, slapping, even kicked me once). I have a very hard time seeing this situation for what it is and find myself making excuses for this behavior. I haven't had any huge bruises or have I been really hurt physically, but is has left me emotionally drained I think. I have left him before and have gone back on the promise he made to me that he really isn't that kind of guy, he's really sorry and will do anything to make it up to me, and it's not like he pushed me that hard anyways. I miss him a lot, and recently agreed to meet him for lunch. He gave the usual I am sorry things will better, but I just do not trust him. I don't even want him to touch me, let alone get back together with him. Is this normal to feel so disconected from the man I once thought I would marry? I am so angry and hurt by all of this, I can't get seem to get past it this time. And is it normal to tell yourself that "oh he didn't leave a bruise so it's not that bad." I used to tell myself if he ever left a red mark on me, or a bruise I would leave him, well he did and didn't leave and the next time he hit a little harder. It's really hard for me to even type this stuff and see it, b/c it just doesn't seem real, like anything like that could happen to me. People don't know and I don't want to tell them the real reason why we aren't together anymore, but it's hard lying to people about it. I am just really confused and am wondering if it's okay to not give him another chance, or have anything to do with him at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:58pm
Hi there,

It's not only ok not to give him another chance, it's the best thing you can possibly do for yourself. You know on some level that his behavior is unacceptable, I can see it in your post. Once the CLs read this, they'll give you an impassioned and eloquent response as to why you shouldn't tolerate this, but for now, I'll answer. He'll say whatever it takes to have you stay and deal with his abuse, because if it works, he still gets what he wants, which is to have you there to treat however he wants. Please help yourself and STOP making excuses for his pathetic behavior. If you haven't talked to anyone about it, it will seem unreal, b/c people still see you as having the relationship it looks like you;re having on the surface, in public, not the reality. I know, this is how it was for me. You know the truth and you're telling us here--it's not like that for you, not really. He is HURTING you, bruises or not, and that's not what real relationships are about. You found this board, adn it can help--read and learn, post and take strength from it.

Feel angry, feel hurt, even feel love for him. Just realize while you're feeling all of that that you deserve way more than to not be treated like that. Life is better than that, and yours can be too. Take care.

Good luck,

CC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:23am

Hi IV, welcome -


CC gave you a great response.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 8:32am
i used to make excuses for my H when we first started dating. Oh, he pushed me because he was mad but i didnt get hurt. he pushed me down a hill, but i didnt get hurt. he was just frustrated. i shouldnt have said that or i wouldnt have gotten punched. if i hadnt scratched his head, even though he had me trapped in the bathroom, i wouldnt have gotten chocked and unable to swallow without pain for almost a week. if you keep making excuses and going back it will only get worse. much much worse. the little things that he does now and can get away with lets him know that he can take the next step and get away with that too.

get away and stay away. i was with my abuser for 9 years, 4.4 before we were married and saw all the signs. yeah, i left him, several times as a matter of fact. but he would come back with the i am sorry. i will change. it will never happen again. i need you. i love you crap and i would fall for it, even though inside the alarm was going off telling me to stay away. that alarm is there for a reason. God gave it to us so that we could survive. LISTEN TO IT!! go and never look back. your future will thank you for it.

BIG HUGS,

shay