What if I fall apart? Please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
What if I fall apart? Please help...
13
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 12:05am

Hi All -- I am in the process of getting out of an abusive relationship. I have moved out of our home and there is distance between us but its hard to fully break away. I read this article the other day on Stockholm Syndrome: http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 10:45am

Think of something you truly love (or loved) to do, something that made you feel happy inside. Then go and do that something...you will meet people who have the same interest as yourself and can start making new friendships...Once you have new friends you wont feel so alone...once you no longer feel so alone you will not feel so desperate...once you no longer feel so desperate you will not feel so drawn to stay in contact with him.

You statement of "I dont want to hurt him"...food for thought. Did he care if he hurt you?

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-24-2010 - 10:46pm

You might feel like you're going to fall apart, but us reading it know that it is much better for you to end all ties. You will get through each day, even if it's one hour at at time.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 11-25-2010 - 9:53am

Hi girl, it is hard to make that final break.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Sat, 11-27-2010 - 2:21pm

I want to thank everyone for the replies. I really appreciate you all taking time to give me advice especially when I have been feeling so alone and hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 11-27-2010 - 5:21pm
Feel free to keep posting, when you have a weak moment, or whenever!

I don't think I was ever quite positive that my ex was emotionally abusive, but at some point I made myself believe it. I just never "felt" like a victim, but that's not one of the requirements. However 3 therapists were confirming it, friends who knew him were telling me he was, and of the lists in the abuse books I've read he had at least 50% of the list. I said to myself, "All signs point to YES, so I will make myself believe it too." And I think that's what got me to the "other side" so to speak.

Journaling is great when you are having those strong days too. You can see progress or regression, refer to it when you aren't feeling so strong, write down verbatim things he's said so you can process it later.
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 3:00pm

I still have things

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Wed, 12-01-2010 - 1:07pm

Maybe I'm going to have to make myself believe it. I'm in such denial. We are still in communication and I suppose that makes it harder. He's promising me the world right now, but I'm trying to remind myself that he's done this many times before. Then when none of it happens he explains why its my fault.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 11:47am

"We are still in communication and I suppose that makes it harder."

Yes, communication will make it 10000% harder to move on. This is a fact.

"He's promising me the world right now, "

If you read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" you will see that this is just one of the tactics they use to get you back. You need to understand all the tactics they can use, how to decipher them, how to know they are bluffs. To do this you have to educate yourself, so go get that book. It's at the library I'm sure.

"What if I never love anyone like I love him?"

It will be so much more WONDERFUL to love a man who treats you kindly, with respect, with support, with admiration and to be loved by that WONDERFUL man. There are men like that out there. I found one. BUT I trained myself to recognize the losers and how to dump the duds well before I started dating again. With proper knowledge, I avoided making that mistake again.

I think you are scared because you are stuck in your own mind and not aware of what is out there for you. Here are some books to expose you to things I feel you need to be aware of:

I Know I'm in There Somewhere: A Woman's Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity by Helene G. Brenner

It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R. Hock

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 11:52am
Can you list for us the things that will be much worse if you are not with him?

We can help divvy them into rational and irrational fears to give you some perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2010
Sat, 12-04-2010 - 9:43pm

Wow..i feel like I could have written your first two posts...A marriage counselor recently told me my best friend and hubby is severely abusive to me mentally. I was in SHOCK and denial so bad for the first few weeks I would actually find myself

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