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| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:19pm |
Hi,
I am new to this board. I have been in what I consider a verbally abusive relationship for 8 years. It was a gradual build until this fall when it started to intensify my DH yelling at me in front of the kids and talking to them abusively as well. He has a tremendous anger control issue. I left him and took our two children to my parents and stayed there for a week. He agreed to go to marriage counseling if we came back. Now he is trying to change, we are both trying to change. But I can not change how I feel about him. I do not love him and I don't like who I am around him. I have become neurotic about certain things and dispondant about others.
I do not want to be togehter as a couple right now but really want to make it work for the kids. I stay at home with the kids and do not want to give that up for the world. But I am not happy and that is not fair to anyone. Do I tell him that I don't love him anymore? I know he would get mad. But I need some help.
Thank you!

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My mother's a realtor, it's kind of helpful for me now, she's calling about a house for me. Owner financing, cause I have no credit, not even from this marriage. Would you be able to keep the schedule w/ 3 kids? The older one's probably help from time to time? My mother's always running all over. What would you take in school? I've been going on and off, for HRM, but will switch to acct soon. I've taken all on-line so far, don't have to worry about child care.
I'm happy to hear your speaking your mind, you have needs too. I'm hanging in there, sometimes just barely, but I am. Heard from lawyer about moving before the divorce, he said to take everything that meant anything if I did. My girls are 16, 13, 12 & 4, Boys 9 & 6. I'll probably have to go to work after this is settled, but like you I'll only have child care expenses for 1, and luckily I have a good friend that could do it. I figure I could probably get through this year w/ part of the tax return and more $ in summer, than start working in fall when they go back to school. I don't want to disrupt their whole lives all at once. I don't have them in counseling now, would probably have school counselors meet w/ them after and get an idea from them if they should continue. I'll have to see how they take it.
Are you considering leaving? I'm worried about the holidays coming up. My youngest son's b-day is on Christmas. I'll deal with things as they come.
Still praying for us all. Hope we'll all hear from you soon. Thanks,
Carrie
I think I am in the same situation. Sometimes I have moment of clarity like I am having now. That I am not being treated right. He gets madder the longer we go without sex. We've been in counseling for 2 years and he still threatens divorce. He was yelling so loud last night that the dog was shaking. I am tired of it. I know that I have contributed to the problem, by not having sex, but I am not attracted to someone who is disrespectful and can't have an adult conversation. It was worse before his outbursts, but since they can still happen I dont know if I can trust him. In my situation it might not be abuse, but it feels like crap. I truly am scared to leave though, I think he would go nuts.
sb
Hi SB :o)
Yes, It does sound like you are in the same situation. About you not having sex, that is your decision and he is not respecting that!! He is only thinking about himself here, he doesn't even care about your feelings. Why are you going to counselling?? The reason I ask is because if you are going to marriage counselling with an abusive man it is a very bad idea!!!! Stop going now!!! If you want to go to counselling, then you should go by yourself to someone who specializes in Domestic Abuse.
Keep Posting as much as you like... You can even post your own thread and get more info and advice all about your story.
Lauren
Thanks, for the kind words.
He is not going to our counseling anymore. I am going by myself. He thinks I have all of these problems/issues to fix about my self. Kinda sick of hearing that one. He's used some few choice words the last month B*th and F off, and says I have no identity because I cannot make up my mind about what kind of new car I would like. Even though I pick something he won't give me his approval. Now he just yells at the top of his lungs everytime I bring it up and says I haven't found myself yet.
He'll say thing like you need to go take it easy now, but not in a nice way in a I can't handle it myself so I better take over for you. He won't let me do the laundry because I don't do it right, won't let me do the bills (I do have access to our $though. He constanly teases my daughter about bathroom habits even though she asks him to stop for years! I'm just not sure what to do, he tells me I make stories up that are worse than they really are, too sensitive and blow things out of porportion.
I don't like to have sex with him because he wears stained t shorts etc to bed and has a pillow (like a blanky) that he sucks on (gross). I think of a 4 year old not someone I would like to be intimiate with. When the pressure really gets put on then I go ahead and apease him.
Arg, I'm so frustrated. But not convinced that it is abuse. I am very cold towards him and maybe if I would just be a little nicer and warmer things would be better,(I have called him a jerk and an a**hole, but I try so hard to just keep my tongue). I work full time and go to school in a high pressure program and be a mom. Usually when I have a big test coming up he picks a fight or will sometimes embarass me in public.
My opinion is that YES YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. There are many statments in your post that screamed abuse to me. The thing about emotional/verbal abuse is that it can be very hard to recognize unless you are actually looking for it. I didn't realize how bad I was being abused until I got out and posted on this board a lot. So many other posts were exactly the same as mine. It is actually kinda scary that they are so similar.
You do not have any problems that you need to fix okay. He is the problem here. He needs to fix things, not you. He is blaming you for everything. He is not taking any responsibility. Abusers never take responsibility, they are always blaming someone or something else... it is never their fault! Try to see if you can think of times that he blames something else, but you know it was his fault. Abusers twist stories around so well.
My abuser has called me every name in the book. His favourite would be wh*re, bitch, F-off or F-U or I hate you over and over again. That is abuse. I know this is very hard for you to read. I found it very difficult when people said my boyfriend at the time was abusvie. I didn't want to believe them.. but I had to stop running. I had so much hope for US to get better. But the problem was that HE needed to get better, not me. I was not the problem in the relationship. The problems were only getting worse, and they will get worse for you.
Another thing about abuser.. nothing is ever good enough for them. If you did the laundry 10 times over, he would ALWAYS find fault in it even if you did it exactly the way he wanted it done. Nothing is ever good enough. You are not too sensitive. He is saying that to put the blame on you and away from him. I believe you. I do not think you blow things out of proportion or that you are too sensitive. I am sure that my abuser thought that I was too sensitive, but I wasn't. Sorry that I keep crying my eyes out when you are screaming at me!! Do you really think that I can be strong and stop crying? Nope.. you keep screaming at me!! They are horrible horrible men!!
Keep your chin up okay. Remember that you are not the problem here. Keep posting and lurking as much as you want. We are all here for you.
Lauren
That's nice to know, thanks for the support!
My thoughts are with each and every one of you.
I'm so glad you're going to counseling by yourself! I hear it all the time about my issues. Give yourself the credit you deserve for going to counseling, you're trying to work through some difficult times and we can all use some help. Try not to let his blubbering bring you down.
I've been avoiding h for awhile now. If I guess right, you're "cold" cause you've been hurt and pushed away, and criticized until you couldn't stand it! You can't fix it, cause it's not your problem, it's his.
I go back and forth too, wondering if my situation is abuse. Like he picks fights, mine would always start crap with me while I was taking classes, complain about the house or anything else that had to wait.
Hope we keep hearing from you. If you can handle all that's on your plate you're so much stronger than you think!
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