What she learned in 6 years... and what she learned in the first 4 days after abuse...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
What she learned in 6 years... and what she learned in the first 4 days after abuse...
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 9:20pm

The friend I suggested this board to isn't ready to post herself yet, she's still swamped with all those things that need to be done when you first leave.   And that's ok.  Because she's not in a place where she feels safe enough to post she asked me to post this for her.  

''What I learned in six years and four days''
So many tiny ENORMOUS gifts got me through it and out.
''The hardest part is over'' .  You JUST survived whatever he just did to you..... you ensured your KIDS survived, the PETS.
Surviving is the hard part and for now it's over, and if you can do that, which you JUST did, WILL again and probably have MANY times then you are the one in control, cos you just controlled a situation where the end result is usually a death.
You survived, and made sure everyone else did too.
Remember this: over reacting will get you killed. You are seeing things far more clearly than your abuser. There's ALWAYS a fragment of time during or just after an attack of ANY kind when you think ''I DON'T deserve this'' but you stay calm or they will escalate more. Every time you think ''I DON'T deserve this'' you are seeing things clearly.
It IS as bad as you think it is.

The abuser is the only person who finds their behaviour acceptable.

When they threaten suicide or they're telling you they're the only ones who care if you live or die they are lying to you.
The person who is most important to the abuser is the abuser
He WON'T kill himself, but he will probably kill you or try to at some point
He is the one who doesn't care, everyone else DOES care.
:smileysad: sad smile :smileysad:
And when you are giving in, think of someone else.
That someone else won't mind you using them as a means to survive.
*The abuser is the only person who finds their behaviour acceptable.
The ONLY person.*

And if you are strong enough and clever enough to ensure the survival of yourself and your family, you ARE strong enough and clever enough to sneak out of the door and go.
And when you are in the street, tell people what is happening, what you're doing.

The abuser is the only person who finds their behaviour acceptable.

When you are out of the door, get to the busiest street you can find and tell people you are fleeing an abusive relationship, what is happening, what you're doing. Don't accept any lifts, but DO let people know.
That way, if he tries dragging you back, people KNOW to help you get away.
The trick is to keep breathing, keep moving forward.
You are brave enough and clever enough to survive it up close and personal on a daily basis, therefore you are brave enough and clever enough to get out of there safely when the time is right for you, and when you are safely out, you are brave enough and clever enough to not go back.
People do know what's going on, and are waiting to help, but they will not put you in danger. You have to make the first move, and you will only have to do it once, but do it when it is safe for you to do so
The abuser is the only person who finds their behaviour acceptable.

If you're reading this, I know something about you: You are a clever and brave woman
Remember you are loved
that's what i learned in six years and four days
Mouse