what, what, what am I doing????
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| Fri, 01-27-2006 - 2:53am |
5 months. Mentally removed. He has no more control.
We talked early this week. it was a stupid reason to talk but we did. He finally agreed to drop my stuff off.
I heard a noise on the porch tonight. Looked out the window.
It was him, dropping off my things. He saw me, I opened the door.
We talked. It was good. Really good. Next thing you know, you know...
It was good too. Really good. I said you have to go now. He left.
Before he left he held me, told me he loves me still, he told me the first time he saw me naked he could not breathe, he told me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met or been with, he said he loved seeing me, touching me, hearing me, being friends with me, he told me it will all be ok, I told him we are screwed up, we have problems, I remember things he doesn't and he remembers things differently than I do, I told him he hurt me, he said you hurt me too, he told me just be happy tonight, we will deal with tomorrow (today) in the morning. He said I love you still.
Crying now, I am crying hard. Why. Heart is saying he loves you. He does love me, he just does not know how.
Mind is saying stop this crap. STOP it NOW!!! You are so close to being ok, over it....
Heart is saying he loves you and you love him,
Head is saying shut up heart, I am right. I think.......
Heart is saying maybe this screwed up thing called love could be made right, why when I was with him tonight, in his arms, I fit just so, we both loved it and felt it...why is it like this so good but so bad when we fight????
Head is saying why why why does he not remember what he says when he is mad????
Heart is saying you keep pushing away others because you care for him, give him a chance...
Head is saying, Family and Friends will kick your butt big time if they find out, don't care how old you are, they will go nuts on you!
Heart is saying, so what......
He is saying, Let's talk tomorrow, sleep happy tonight.
I will probably know my answers before anyone reads this. I hope.
I am putting this out there, into the world. It is such a stupid little problem I have compared to those others have.
But Thanks for letting me voice it.
The CL's and regulars have replied before and you are like my sisters in so many ways.
God Bless you all.
PS. Head and heart are soooo duking it out right now....

He is doing this to get back inside.
CL-Blueliner4
That sounds like he still refuses to take responsibility for his abuse, doesn't it? That sounds like he hasn't changed, in spite of of all the other pretty words, doesn't it?
Brain: 1
Heart: 0
So you fell off the wagon again. Now, please forgive yourself, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on. You can do it.
Hugs,
--Fran
Don't beat yourself up over this.
Hi Wish Blue and all:
Today I went to see friends, bopped around after work and I had a Bday party to go to as a date tonite.
While I was getting dressed to go out, he called this late afternoon, saying he is so happy we are on good terms after last night. I was standoff and coldish. I said don't have any expectations of me, I was weak last night but I am strong now.
Here is what is weird and what you have taught me, he was acting like we were back together, like making plans for this weekend and stuff, I was like, I don't think so.
I went to that Bday party tonight. I had so so so much fun. I met 3 other woman that are single and cool and we all exchanged numbers. My date was teasing me and saying look at you, getting numbers tonight!
I am home now and listening to my favorite music and in the past I would be calling him now, I just don't want to this time.
I am ok.
Thank you for your voices. You have no idea how much you all mean to me.
Hug hugs.
Oh, honey!
Hi gonna:
I DO rock, it is weird, it seems my episodes of being down about this last relationship get shorter and shorter. And I get stronger and stronger.
I keep rewarding myself with shoes......My closet now proves I have been rewarding myself a bit too much........
Question for you ladies, Did you get to a point at your final end when you wanted to haul out and beat him down verbally? I found myself saying take your bull and shove it, you worthless excuse for a man. And a whole lot more. It felt good. And it was weird, when I unleashed that rage, he backed down and got all quiet and stuff. Kinda like standing up to the bully.