what would you do..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
what would you do..
14
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 12:47pm

still no luck with therapy. I had a chat with school counselor and she asked some v direct questions of her (did you say this ..)..and now dd says she can't trust me with anything. Her dad is in denial and thinks it is just stress management issue. I found another counselor but short of forcibly and physically dragging her there is no way she will go. She keeps saying it is ME who makes her depressed. Since I bring it up? But even with her dad she is extremely sensitive to everyhting..it is like she can't take anymore of any conflict..either from him or

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 1:13pm
It really doesn't sound like there is much you can do. Perhaps, it is like with an addict, you have to let them hit rock bottom and ask for help themselves before you can make any headway at all? Sorry I don't have more solid advice for you. What is the school counselor suggesting?
Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 4:39pm
I would take away all extras from her because of the way she is acting and talking. I know it is hard to admit something is wrong but sometimes we have to and if nothing is wrong then she is choosing to be this way and it is not right so I think there should be consequences. I wish her father would back you up on this. Only way I got ds to take his glasses to school was by turning off everything but basic cable till he took them in. He wants his permit at the end of the month but knows not only will I not let him get it unless he keeps himself under control but he won't drive unless he keeps himself under control. I would tell your dd that she has to go meet with whoever and when talking to them about what is really going on they will know if it is you or her and if she doesn't agree to go take away something that will get her to go. But maybe by making her think its to prove your wrong she will go on her own.

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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 9:32pm

I hear ya, Brat.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 9:52pm

Thanks queen and harmony. Good idea on the privilege thing. The only issue I see is he will not enforce it. Lets see what happens. I want her to commit to 4 sessions at the minimum else I will tell her plainly the consequence. It is all my fault I let it get to this point. I should have been firm and left when she was much younger and malleable. Do you think therapy scares her as she finds it too painful to bring up things..? Since the last few times she has gone, she has come back saying it is a waste of time and had tantrums. This time I found this lady that is good but is expensive and insurance will only pay 50% but if it works, it is worth it.

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2011 - 10:38pm

Beating yourself up over this will not help.


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Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 12:10am

Just as Brat and Harmony have stated, find her currency and use it to your advantage. When my kids were younger, they each had different currency. My oldest could not stand to be left alone in a room. If I did not like what he was doing I would simply leave the room...it would not be long before he corrected his behavior and came looking for me. My middle son was the hardest to discover what worked....his is praise....he will do anything for praise. My daughter...all I have to do is look at her and tell her I am disappointed and you would think I just beat her to a pulp.

Now as teenagers, they are more difficult to read. I too had a husband that did not back me up on anything and in fact deliberately undermined whatever I stated...example they were not to get cell phones until they could keep their rooms clean. Literally their beds were the lowest point in their room (no I am not exaggerating, they were really that messy and cluttered)...So he goes out and gets my oldest a cell phone "because while he is at scouts or at camp he will need to keep in touch"...except boy scouts does not let the boys take or use their cell phones while camping or in meetings...it was his way of undermining my parenting...thus the reason my kids' rooms were so bad....

They were not to get their drivers permit until they could show me they could be responsible and I tied their rooms to that one too...how can I trust them with my 2 ton car/weapon if they cannot take care of their own things....so as soon as my son turned 17 he got his permit....

Currently I have a problem getting them to do their chores here, I keep having to pull their noses away from the computer....so when I wont be home after school, I simply take the modem with me...not just disconnect it, I flat out un plug the thing and it is in the car with me...that way they have no choice but to do their chores...I get the bologna they could not do their homework because they had to research something or another....lol they have internet on their phones but the phones are too slow to up load the videos they want to watch...but push come to shove they could do their research on their phones if they had to....

You can beat yourself up for what you could have or should have done in regards of maintaining control of dd before she got this bad. But I can honestly tell you that will be a waste of time and guilt...you can be guilty over a lot more things than that....let it go...what matters is what you choose to do today.

When dd acts in a way you approve of or like how she is behaving, reward her with praise and privileges...when she acts in a way you disapprove of simply take away the praise and privilege.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 12-13-2011 - 12:20am

AS I was re reading my post I thought of something that might help....tell the counselor something your dd really is interested in...ie something she loves doing. One of my kids I counsel loves playing games...so each session I bring in a game we can play...he manages to talk a lot while we play and his guard is down so he shares with me stuff he might not otherwise share...another kid I counsel came from neglect. So I bring along food...he loves to talk while he is eating...again his food drops his guard and he talks more freely than when there is no snacks...

If the counselor can incorporate something your daughter is interested in or truly enjoys doing with the sessions I bet there would be a quicker bond and healing would happen sooner...just a thought.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 11:30am

today he told me she does not need therapy.."she is fine". So there is no support from him. Therapist thinks that he has influenced her and she is not going to go unless Dad is on board. the other part of the thing is - I know therapy takes patience and time..it could be like 20 visits before anything clicks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 3:17pm

Hi Winter,

Yes, it is rude and disrespectful to shout and shut the door in someone's face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 12-14-2011 - 9:33pm

I suspect she says she does not want to talk to you because she knows that is a way to "hit below the belt" and truly hurt you as much as she is hurting. I wonder if you could afford and get her to try Neurofeedback. It is very effective for anxiety, and depression both and both can be worked on pretty easily. It would not be "counseling" but would start getting her some help. The biggest problem with neurofeedback besides the expense is that unless changes are made at home (ie you are able to stand up to her and dad and not let their verbal blows cause you to cave and let them have their way all of the time) the treatments don't last long and everything goes back to the way things were.

When you do issue the consequences, regardless what she says or threatens, stick to it. Your Yes needs to mean yes and your NO needs to mean no all of the time...if you say no cell phone, then you need to be ready to enforce no cell phone for whatever period you stated...once you say no then with a few threats and hurtful statements you cave and give her back whatever you took away then you have done basically nothing but reinforce the bad behavior....also try to focus on anything she does right, even if it is as small as cleaning up her dinner dishes, and let her know you appreciated whatever it was...give her praise for the things she does that you approve of but don't give her the power to use bad behavior to manipulate you and control you.

Since you have a different home now, when she says go away she doesn't want to talk to you, then get in your car and go home...IF she calls you to ask where you are or why simply tell her what she said and possibly disconnect the call at that point. She will quickly learn that telling you to go away will get her exactly what she asks for.

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