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| Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:44pm |
I am so frustrated. I found this board about 2 months ago when I was looking for help for my friend that I believed was being physically abused. We researched together and comforted each other when we found out we both were being abused. Our abusers are good friends. That is how we met.
About a month ago, her bf got into a rage over who knows what and smashed her windshield of her new car with his fist. He ruined her transmission by moving the shifter from drive into park and reverse while the car was moving. That night he also damaged her knee by smashing his cell phone into it. I believe he was also hitting her that night, but it's hard to remember now. She was devestated after the incident and ready to leave him.
After that, he poured on the sugar. He took her to one of his therapy meetings (he is bipolar) and even proposed marriage! (He took her to the mall and bought her a ring in front of her and just asked her to marry him in the mall... so romantic). Initially, they both separately expressed misgivings and hesitations about the proposal, confiding separately in me and my bf that they weren't really ready, etc. He is still telling my bf that she is pressuring him. Ugh. Now comes the frustrating part...
They are both publicly expressing their excitement and undying love for each other. They are acting like nothing bad EVER happened between them and they speak ONLY of their heart-felt passion and connection and blah blah blah. They went to a bridal expo together and are planning a date to be married less than a year from now. This girl is not even 21 yet!! They haven't even been together for a year! I feel like, even if there were never any abuse present, that their behavior would STILL be considered unusual. Nobody's relationship is THAT perfect, right?
The question now is...WHY THE ACT??? Why is she pretending, and is she even pretending? Has she really been fooled this easily? Is he really trying to fool her? Am I just losing my mind because my boyfriend can't stop his abusive behavior? Therefore, could it be possible that her boyfriend could and I just can't see it? I worry that he will continue what I see to be a "honeymoon" phase until after they are married and then it might be too late. I am worried for her. I think it takes a lot more than a couple therapy sessions and some new medication to stop years and years of mental and physical abuse. I don't know how to bring any of this up to her, because she resists strongly talking about anything negative, either between her and her boyfriend, or me and my boyfriend. I don't know what is going on. Is there anything I can do? I am too upset and worried for her to even think clearly about this right now. Please post your thoughts if you have any. Thank you!!!!

Whoa, Crypto!
CL-Blueliner4
Uch, I ran into trouble with my bf today. He is mad at me because I snapped at him last night for interrupting me and cutting me off. I know I shouldn't yell at anyone. I apologized to him for about 20 minutes, but he still feels like I deserve to be punished for it.
This afternoon, with the thought of my outburst already boiling his blood, he came home for lunch. I was happy to see him and the food and ate it happily, thanking him for it. Usually when he brings lunch home to me, I know that he is expecting some sort of sexual encounter afterwards. I have been resisting his pleasuring me for a while because I cannot relax because my self-esteem has been suffering dramatically lately. When I told him I didn't want to today, he asked me why. I told him that I didn't feel beautiful, and instead of complimenting me or asking me why, he asked me where else I was getting it, that I wouldn't let him do it. He acted like he was joking, but it still hurt. Instead of dwelling on it, I knew he would want me to pleasure him, and right before I was about to, he said "that's all you're good for, anyway." Again, he pretended like he was joking, but I really did not feel up for going through with it anymore. Then it became "my fault", of course, that we did not engage in sexual activity. So then, of course, it was "my fault" that he "wasted" two hours at home, and brought me lunch that I was "so ungrateful for." He screamed and slapped my butt hard enough to leave a giant red hand print. He became generally violent and intimidating and then changed to just sitting there and repeating that he "didn't care." This is off the topic I posted, but I am so frustrated and sickened that stuff like this goes on regularly. Even though I know I shouldn't be treated like that, I still feel like absolute crap right now.
Btw, my back is feeling much better. There is usually a general slight to average pain as a result of years of ballet and carrying a large backpack around for college. I'm pretty sure that there was not any lasting damage. At first, he didn't remember what happened that caused the shooting pain, but the next day he recalled that he "didn't hit me" and that he "only hit my backpack" and "something in my backpack must have hit me when he did that." It hurt the next day, and was still stiff the day after that, and seems to have returned to its regular, dull ache.
Thanks for everything, blue!
-T
That might be true. Also, it is hard for me to accept her denial of her situation because she was the only flesh and blood person that I could confide in, and I felt, understood me. Now she is denying my abuse alongside her own. I feel more alone and more confused than ever.
Thanks.
11 years of ballet took my knees out, I know the feeling.
CL-Blueliner4