What is wrong with me????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
What is wrong with me????
9
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:02pm
I have finally decided that enough is enough with my H. The final straw was that he was so immature and infantile that he could not help me give our toddler potentially lifesaving antibiotics for pneumonia, because it made our son cry. I just need someone to hold him, and keep his arms down, because, like many small children, he really fights taking meds. and spits, etc. What an idiot H is. I needed some help, so I had to call upon my mom to be here, over an hour away, to be the other adult in the house and help me with my son's medications. She has had to drop everything, and come stay here, because this is important, obviously. I have been staying with H because of the fact that I believed it was in my son's best interests, overall. Well, H has proven me wrong. He lives here, and he can't grow up, just for a few minutes a couple of times a day, to help the person, his son, he loves best. Add to that, he got very verbally abusive with me the other night, yelling at me and calling me a stupid b!tch, because he wanted me to do more respiratory care with DS. I even told him that what I was doing was exactly what the respiratory therapist recommended I should do...well, she was called a stupid b!tch, too. Apparently, H is the only one who knows anything...although, he won't DO anything. H was so mean, telling me that if I hadn't gotten it through my thick skull yet, he didn't really care what I think. When I demanded that he should treat me better, and speak to me respectfully, he sneered at me, and said that I didn't deserve any better, because I was just a piece of sh!t. I was so beside myself with anger, I actually spit on him! Thank goodness my mom was here nearby, or I am sure he would have hit me then. I told him very coldly that he was no longer a member of this family, as far as I was concerned. We have barely been speaking since then, just niceties and small talk in front of our son. I will be meeting with his psychiatrist next week to discuss the best way to handle leaving, or getting H to leave, without sending his unstable self into a rage. I am just so disgusted with him, I really am. He is utterly useless. He is a terrible role model, my son has learned to curse, and imitate his father's angry voice, complete with the gritted teeth. Lovely. I am looking into legal options, well, actually I have enlisted a couple of friends to help me find info and a good lawyer, who work in the field. H is a lawyer, and I have to say, it scares me. I know he will fight me into bankruptcy. Oh, and about money, he is now refusing to give me money for my school tuition for the summer semester, which I need to pay soon. He is such an A$$!!!!! Fortunately, I have a little bit of money set aside, and my mom will help me a bit, hope we can cover it. I spoke with my advisor at school, and apparently it is too late for financial aid, and, as I am still married, I wouldn't even qualify with my H's income. I hate him.... But, somehow...I wonder if leaving him is the "right thing"....HOW could I think that, at all? The last thing I need right now is self doubt, I know I am right, all of my friends and family absolutely agree that it is just a terrible relationship.....What is wrong with me? SOmetimes I feel confident, even optimistic about the futer, other times like right now, I am thinking that I am not strong enough to do this, maybe it wouldn't be best.....I am just so stressed out. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:16pm

Right now you've done pretty much all you can do for the moment.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:51am

Hi lurkerlady...I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this idiot.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 6:39pm
Thanks Blue and Sweetdreams. Thankfully, my son is doing very well, now I can begin to focus on these other issues. Tomorrow I am meeting with H's psychiatrist to get his input on dealing with H while leaving H. I am also waiting to hear about a couple of lawyers that are supposed to be good. Honestly, I am just so very very tired. H has absolutely destroyed my feelings for him, yet, I am still struggling with the fact that, in the short term, it would be "easier" to stay. I need to keep reminding myself of what he has done and said, how he has let me and my DS down, because my mind tends to sort of "gloss over" these ugly things. A coping mechanism, I guess. Lately, H has been so pathetic, flowers, cooking, etc., but it is too little too late. He will actually say things like, how could you divorce someone who made you a delicious breakfast? And, sadly, he is being earnest. (With that rationale, he should feel very threatened every time I go out to eat, LOL!) He is just SO incredibly emotionally messed up, he thinks that he can go on, and he thinks that in normal,healthy relationships, people forget and forgive and start each day fresh (so, therefore, I am "holding a grudge" and "refusing to try to get along" ....whaddevah!)?! I tell him, NO, not unless you are dealing with someone who is insane or an amnesiac! I just am weary, it is so painful to hear my precious baby imitate H, even down to the snarling tone of voice, and gritted teeth. I need to gather my strength and find a way to leave, or get H to. I hate that it has come to this, but it obviously has. Thank you all for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:50pm
Gentle hugs lady. Of course you are doing the right thing. Why do you doubt yourself? Why do any of us doubt ourselves? Because our abusers have BRAINWASHED us. Conditioned us to think the way they want us to think. It is so hard for anyone not in our situation to know what it is like. What it is like to totally doubt yourself and never feel like you can make a right decision until you are to the point where you just dont want to make any decisions at all. Please know what you are feeling is ok...no matter what it is. To feel doubt and fear and to be afraid of the unknown...I believe that it is perfectly normal. It is something that I go through every day. I still wonder if I should go back to my H. But in my heart I dont feel any urge to go back whatsoever...it is his voice and the doubts that my mother put in my head that keep calling out to me. I need to listen to my voice and trust that. If I make a mistake then it will be my mistake and I will live with that.

This wont be easy for you but I know you can do it. We are here for you and we care and understand what you are going through.

Take care of yourself lady,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 6:18pm
Hi, Lurker. I'm coming out of hiding to send you some (((((hugs))))). First of all, I hope and pray that everything is okay with your DS. I'm something of an expert with that respiratory equipment myself, you know? I can suction, coughalate (sp?), nebulize and use the percussion vest. I think I missed my calling. . ..

Which brings me to my next point. About your H being a lawyer, I wouldn't worry about that one bit. One of the other posters made an excellent point - most lawyers don't see themselves as subject to the laws. Also, I don't know what type of law your H practices, but family law is a specialty. I practice bankruptcy and litigation, and don't know the first thing about family law. So, when I was planning to file for divorce, I hired a colleague who is a matrimonial attorney. Every other divorced attorney I know did the same thing. He's got no particular edge on you simply because he's an attorney. In fact, if he had any clue he'd be anxious to keep this all out of court because his fellow members of the bar are going to become privy to some "interesting" details of his personal life. . .

What a jerk, Lurker. I can empathize. Using all that respiratory equipment when you're not a trained technologist is so intimidating. I remember telling the respiratory therapist in the intensive care unit who was trying to train me in my totally sleep-deprived state after DS being in PICU for 10 days that I had obviously wasted my time in law school. How could I possibly learn something in one hour that s/he had gone to school for 2 years to be trained in? Then take that little bit of training and use it to save my DS's life??? Not too much pressure there, huh?

Well, I have to admit that my H is the hero in this scenario. Narcissist, yes. But he's a wonder with that respiratory equipment. In fact, he's better with it than I am. I am far more likely to stop a treatment early because I'm frustrated and DS isn't cooperating. H will get the job done and in that case I'm very thankful for his perserverence.

Please update after you see H's psychiatrist. You're absolutely right - if the ONLY reason you're staying with H is to help you with DS, and he's failing miserably in that department - you've got no reason to stay in your "marriage" any longer. Especially if he's threatening not to pay for your tuition. Absolutely no reason to keep him around. Take care, honey, and big hugs to you and your little DS. Love, Patchru

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 6:33pm
Thanks Ree and Momesq, I appreciate your caring words and support. I met with the psychiatrist, and he basically told me that he didn't know how strongly H would react. He gave me some suggestions, practical stuff like not to tell him unless I was really sure, do it calmly, for safety, it would be difficult, the process of filing for divorce, etc. He did agree that DS and I "should" get to stay in the house, so that is nice....That way, at least I know how he really feels if H tries to convince him otherwise, lol. He told me that H sees marriage very simply, in black and white, like, he is married, and it is absolutely unacceptable/unheard of to divorce him after marrying him, especially with a child involved. It is kind of scary dealing with someone who has such a strong set of absolutes, ya know? The Dr. agreed H would probably do everything in his power to delay it, cause problems, etc. How nice. Grrrr. I am just so tired of dealing with H, I really am. It is SOOO hard to "take the high road" all of the time, because he is just maddening. Even this morning, he was hopping around like a freak, jumping up and down and chanting "'nuggle! 'nuggle!" over and over again in a high voice, trying to jump into the bed with me, wanting to snuggle. Lunatic! How many times can I say NO calmly, I don't like the way you are acting, etc....All of the normal rational things have no impact on him. I know I am responding appropriately, but he is just so weird. Then, he was refusing to take his medicine that makes him less hyper unless I agreed not to divorce him - I refused, and he eventually took it anyway. Later he was acting annoyed and snappy....and this was just the morning. I just find him exhausting. We were at a meeting today with the school people and we were discussing DS's choice language, and temper tantrums. They wondered where he was exposed to this language, as it is not typical of a three y.o. - Duh. H did most of the talking, and said that some of the words DS had heard from him, some from his wife(me)...ugh...and that we were working on this. I just looked at him. What can I say? One thing that was so funny tho, one of the educators actually, after trying unsuccessfully a couple of times to get the attention of H, who was playing with DS, actually reached over in front of him, pounded on the table, and said Mr. - , I need you to pay attention to this! LOL, lol. I really love for people to see how he actually is, because he is very good at seeming fairly normal, and painting me as over sensitive, or difficult, or a big spender, or foul mouthed, whatever suits him at the moment. Grrrr. Well, I am determined to leave/get him to leave. This marriage is OVER. However, I am also determined to take my time, barring some emergency. I am working on getting the tuition out of him, and I will graduate in a year. I don't know if I can wait a year, because he is so hideous, but I know he will screw with me as much as possible legally. I don't want to interupt my DS's services and school, he has had, and will have to, deal with a lot of transitions. I need to be able to at least pay rent if I need to leave, and stuff around here ain't cheap. H will always be a part of DS's life, I just hope to minimize that contact through a divorce, and also limit our contact to parenting discussions, so poor DS will not have to witness any more nastiness. I really just wish sometimes H would drop off the face of the earth, or was the "leaving kind"....He seems so determined to hold on to something that is just toxic. SOrry this got so long, I am just mentally jumbled. I know what I want and need to do, I am just trying to think about the best way to go about it, and I am feeling overwhelmed, also I am still very tired. Sigh. Hope you are all well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:26am
Oh, Lurker, I know its not funny but that 'nuggle 'nuggle story started my day with a chuckle. I can picture my H doing something similar. What a goof! One thing I'm having some difficulty conceptualizing is how does this man practice law????? Does he have an entirely different personality he turns on in his office?, or does he act like a loon there too? And if he does, how do his peers and clients deal with it? I know my H acts slightly different in business settings but just tends to overreact about everything across the board. But being an attorney myself, I know this entire profession is still pretty buttoned up (we don't even have "casual" Fridays, at least on the East Coast. It's "the uniform" every day for us!). It's just a "given" that we always look at act professionally. I wonder if he hops around in his office yelling "pay my fee, pay my fee!"

Honey, I'm so sorry for all that you're having to carry right now. As if having a DS with that diagnosis isn't enough. I wish I had something more constructive to ad, but I'm in a pretty different place right now. H has been diligently going for counseling for 2+ years and I've actually seen a big difference in the last few months. Enough to keep me from deliberating about a divorce right now, at least. The situation is workable and because H does have some significant good points (he's alot of fun and makes alot of $)I'll stick and stay for awhile longer and deal with whatever arises when it does. You know what I mean. Big hugs to you, Lurker. Hang in there. Love, Patchru.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 12:16pm
Hi Momesq! I am glad that you are at a better point in your marriage. Mine is going downhill so rapidly, he is just insane. He just called me and sounded so ridiculously, super phony cheerful, you know, loud, calling me darling, etc. (I was explaining to him last night that I wanted a divorce, and I needed to know he wasn't going to harm me. He refused the divorce, won't move out, but said if I do divorce him, he would not harm me, I don't need to be scared of him....yeah, oh I feel SO calm now, lol) Back to the phone call...and I could HEAR the big fake grin plastered on his face. I asked him why he was talking/acting that way, and he verbally spins around tho still creepy cheery, and said, Do you remember what I said to you before you forced me to go to therapy? I said, whoa, I didn't force you, you attacked me and tried to kill me, and you realized that you have a serious problem and sought help! He says in a sing song voice Untrue, untrue untrue, on and on, drowning out whatever I was trying to say to him. I ask him, what are you trying to say, and he was sort of giggling, having fun manipulating the situation....He said, I am not trying to say anything, I asked if you remembered something, and you obviously don't, thats OK. I say, why don't you TELL me what you are referring to? He refused, saying that there was no point..still sounding all cheery in that very weird, phony way. I told him again that he chose to go to therapy, and he said that it was a trick, all of my behaviours were tricks and lies, I tricked him into going. WTF!? He won't even tell me what he is talking about, yet he keeps goading and taunting me. He then started saying goodbye goodbye, I have to go somewhere now, and hung up - like I was bothering him. I know, fortunately, that where he is going, is the psychiatrist's office, maybe he will unwind a little. I feel vaguely uneasy though, he is so strange. In general, his behaviours, although strange and abusive, are predictable. When he gets all tightly wound, like he sounded on the phone, I do get a little worried, because it is impossible to know what he is thinking, and defuse it. With H, I can feel the tension rising underneath the cheery exterior, and little things have set him off. I don't really know what to do, I don't feel in danger, per se, but I do not feel calm and happy and secure either. How on earth did I manage to marry such a nut case?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:51pm
A quick update...I have an explanation...H came home and took his medicines he had forgotten to take this morning, lol. He calmed down considerably, apologized, and we actually had a decent talk about calling a "truce" and stopping our arguments in front of our son. Sort of agreeing to disagree, but attempting to speak politely to each other. As you all know, that is really all I want from him. I know that this marriage is OVER, but it would be very very difficult to divorce right now. If we could live together, but apart (he has been sleeping in the other room for a couple of months), without all of his rudeness, I would be very happy. I just want to finish school, etc., and get my life together. Now, if I could just get him to always remember to take his meds, lol......