Whatcha think about that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Whatcha think about that?
3
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 12:18am

It all started when I was 19. Everything was perfect and I knew he was the "one". We moved in together and things were going well. after 4 months of living together, he was called to serve in Iraq for a year, the deployment totalling 15 months. I waited for him and was faithful. When he came back, I was 21 and he was 22. I had moved us into a bigger apartment. He began to act weird, sitting on his computer all day, refusing to help around the house, piling up dishes around his computer. All he did was sleep and play on his dumb computer. I began to ask him for help and he would just blow me off. So I began to nag. then we began to verbally fight. we would apologize, he would promise to be better and help me out ( I was working and going to school while he collected unemployment) and things would be fine, but then a few weeks or months later nothing would change and we would fight again. One time it got so bad he scared me. I tried to leave but he blocked my path. I tried to call my mom but he took my phone away from me. he didn't hit me or anything but he scared me. I aske dhim to take his stuff and leave and he finally did once I managed to get my phone back and had my mom on the phone.
After 3 months of his negative attitude We ended up taking a break. I told him I didn't want to be treated int his manner and I was going to see other people. I did, but it didn't feel right.
DB and I made up in may of this year and got back together.things have been really good up until this past weekend. I found out while we were on a break he had unprotected sex, so I asked him to get Tested for STD's and he blew up at me and yelled. I apologized and told him he didn't have to and he was fine again. On Saturday I went to my mom's to clean out her shed with her. Then as I was driving home I decided to check in on one of my guy friends to see how he was doing. Last I had talked to him, he had been arressted for a DUI and was down and out. When I went to see him I stayed on his porch and did not go inside. He invited me to his church, so I went with him and had a blast. Then we grabbed some Starbucks and went back to his house and talked on the porch. After that I went home and took a shower because I was dirty from cleaning the shed. DB is messaging me on the computer asking me where I was. I tell him and he blows up again. Then he calls me and tells me I cheated on him and I'm acting shady and I shouldn't hang out with drug addicts and all of this other stuff. He also said he doesn't trust me and that he's going to find someone who will listen to him and not hang out with bad influences.
He also doesn't like my family, which is a big thing to me. I spend every sunday with my family, and it hurts to say I have someone, but he is never around. He also refuses to go to church with me, antoher important thing in my life.
I was shocked. I didn't see what I did wrong. Neither did anyone else I asked.
We talked last night and he apologized for his actions. I told him that the person I'm with has to respect me, has to enjoy the things I do, has to enjoy spending time with my family and go to church. He said he will get an STD test and he will start going to church and spending time with my family. He's said this before. and it hasn't happened.
I told him he has to prove it, and in the mean time I'm backing off and focusing on me: Going to school, graduating, working and doing things that make me happy.
I love this guy, we've been together 3 years. Yet sometimes I wonder...
What is your take on this situation?
TIA!

Bonnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 7:43pm
Well, from the sounds of it, you're headed for trouble with this guy. A guy can promise all he wants, mine did too. He said how he "knew what he did was wrong and would get counseling", so, he did, and then he quit. After I was sucked back in, believing, hoping, he quit and has no intentions of ever going back again. I'd love to tell you it gets better, but it likely won't. I would say with the position you are in, make him prove it, make him prove it for over a year before you jump in again, if even then. Maybe if you give yourself a year you will realize you deserve much better than that. I made the mistake of believing in change, and married the guy. It's even harder to leave now, but, with the support of this board I hope you too will find what you need to get stronger. When I think about it, if you even have to "think" about whether you are being abused, you are, otherwise why would you even come this far? That is just my personal thoughts, we are all here to understand, not judge, as you will hear often. Good luck to you, be safe.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 7:09pm

Welcome, Bonnie.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:58am

Hey Bubbie,
I am new here, but your situatio sounds very familiar to my own although my df is a lot older than me. I have found that I have to keep my life a total mystery from DF or he will blow up. He never forbids me to spend time with my mom or grandma, but ANYONE else seems to upset him--even his own sisters or nieces are off limits to me. Probably because of the fact that they know the truth about him.

Don't get me wrong, I do what ever I want and TALK to whom ever I want but it must be kept secret and I think that is horrid.

I don't think you did anything wrong, in fact I think you did something RIGHT by trying to help a friend in need.

I think your bf is jealous and insecure. You have done nothing to deserve this. He is the one that had unprotected sex, not you. Keep your head up!