What's wrong with me........

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
What's wrong with me........
5
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 12:24pm
Okay, so this weekend was going fine with my husaband. He was doing his own thing with his cousins just like always. And I was able to take my son to a carnival that was close to my house with my little brother inlaw and sister inlaw. Actually had a pretty good time. Then he called and wanted me to pick him up to go home cause he was tired. He was already good and drunk and had not slept much (cause he works 3rd shift)SO I spent the rest of Friday night by myself watching movies. Saturday morning we went garage saling and got some pretty good stuff. So another time that things were good with us. Well, as the day wore on. He was starting to make plans with his cousins to go out drinking and stuff which made me think what my son and I were going to do, cause it was a nice day. So I started making plans to go to the Carnival again with the same ppl. A couple of his cousins were over at our house getting an early start with drinking. I started to notice that they were talking about "guy" stuff. Which included different girls and just stupid comments that guys make. I knew they were just joking around. But my husband started to have a little bit "too much fun" with it that I started to get uncomfortable. He brought me into the conversations a couple of times saying things like "she won;t care if I hit that real quick" which he was talking about a girl that he saw on tv. or "she is too trusting to know that anything is happening" just stupid things like that. Then they would all laugh and look at me if I was stupid or somthing. I started getting a little upset so I walked out of the living room and went to our bedroom. Then he came in awhile later and said that he was leaving for the night. It was only 5:30pm. and when he says "he's leaving for the night" that means till like 4 or 5 the next morning. SO i told him why he had to leave so early and that if anythign I needed the car so I can go to the carnival. He proceeded to be very ignorant with me and started showing off and being loud so his cousins could heear and know that he was "in charge" He then said "I will come back, when I want to come back and we'll see if you can use the car then." I was trying to stay calm and was trying to tell him not to talk to me like that. I knew what he was trying to do. The conversation escalated when I started standing up to him. Then he told me that I wasn't going at all since I was "acting up" I told him that he was not my father to punish me when I step out of line. That he is my husband who is supposed to love and respect his wife. Well at this point I was practically in his face. He was getting ready and had both his shoes in his hands. I guess I hit the breaking point with him because before I knew it, he hit me accross the face hitting my eye very hard with one of his SHOES!!! I was so shocked and ENRAGED, that i started in on him and swinging wildly. But at the same time I knew not to hit his face. Then I guess he got angry and he wrestled me to the bed and he was yelling at me to calm down and had me by the neck. My anger just got away from so much that I guess I went blank. I stopped but was crying uncontrollably and left the room. He came after me and saw that I was crying called me a bitch and was about to leave the room when I closed the door on him, not knowing that he wasn't thru it the whole way, which the door pinched his hand, and he got so angry again that he pulled me by my hair and and hit me on the shoulder saying what I did while calling me all kinds of names. At this point I really had NO STRENGTH to fight back so I just let him do what he did. Finally he left and I was able to get myself under control. I went to the mirror to find my eye was swollen and black and blue. and I had three horrible looking scratches on my neck and face. and numerous bruises on my body. I never had a black eyes before. He never made a mark on my face that was so visible. After a while he tried to call me and talk to me but I just couldn't. I guess I was still very angry. He came home and we tried to talk it out but didn't really get anywhere. Cause he was denying that he hit me across the face. He then said that it was my fault cause I got him so angry so that he didn't mean to really "hit" me, it was just a way of saying "that is enough" like you do with a little kid when you hit their mouth or somthing for whining. I was like "oh my god" how could you say that is what you meant?? Anyway, I realise that this is getting kinda long winded.....After all that happend....I stopped being angry and now I just feel...nothing....LIke if i'm okay with what happened.....Why is that??? I mean I am mad that it happened, and I have been kinda down, but you'd think that I would want to leave him after that. oh my gosh....am I one of those girls that like it rough????? Or as other ppl would say "she likes to get hit?" cause i didn't react?? OH MY GOD, can sonmeone please answer me that?????
He did ask me to forgive him for doing that...but he still strongly believes that it was partly my fault. Maybe it was....MAybe if I wouldn't have gotten so angry and ignorant then it woudlnt'; have happend! I get so ANGRY at myself for allowing him to get under my skin like that. And you know what...I did leave some nice bruises on his arms and chest from punching him. I feel good about that...cause I fought back instead of staying hit. Is that bad???? I mean I don't feel bad about it at all. Even when I woke up Sunday morning hardly being able to hold anythign in my hand (I am now wearing a brace that I bought at the store) I was still glad that I fought back. Even tho I got the worst part of it. Can anyone tell me what that means??? Anyway, I had to buy make up to cover up my black eye and scratches. No one has really noticed yet, I feel kinda embarrased. This never happend to me before. Sorry this is long....But can someone please tell me what i'm feeling???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 1:39pm
I can't tell you what you're feeling (sorry; maybe someone else can), but as for it being partly your fault that you have black eyes and scratches on your face, let me ask you something: What would have happened if you had said that you needed the car to go to the Carnival, and he had said, "Okay, honey, I'll catch a ride with one of my cousins"? Would there have been a fight? Then whose fault was it really?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:12pm

Nothing is wrong with you. You are reacting to someone beating the living crap out of you for no good reason. As the other poster said, what was to stop him saying, "I'll find a ride elsewhere", or even, "I'd rather you didn't, I'd like to have the car"? He could have expressed what he wanted without whaling on you, and it was HIS CHOICE not to.

Notice that he was denying what he did. Like most abusers, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. But, what would you think if you saw someone on the street doing that to someone else? Would you call the police, or would you just say "Oh, they probably said something to deserve it?" I think most people would figure that the one being beaten was the victim, and the same consideration applies to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:57pm
But have I gotten used to this type of life that I've been able to move on so quickly and without much thought?? Since then, everything between us has been fine. We've been getting along pretty well. Somtimes I sit and try to think of what happpened and how it affected me...I feel like I have no thoughts or emotions left. LIke if i'm just going thru motions all day. What is that??
Avatar for adryl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 1:21pm

It's not about you getting used to this type of life. It's about your very being operating in survival mode. As long as you are numb to the pain he has caused you, he cannot hurt you - emotionally. You've been getting along well, because you are so numb to his actions that you can't feel any pain associated with what he's probably still doing. Part of you is also secretly praying that this was a complete fluke. He really isn't abusive, it was just an accident. That part of you is wrong. This was an abusive event, and it will almost certainly occur again. While your emotional being is currently protected by this numbness, you are still physically in danger from him. Please make sure you protect yourself. Also, as long as you are emotionally numb, it means you not only aren't feeling the bad, but you're not feeling the good. You probably aren't feeling much of anything. No relationship is going pretty well when you aren't feeling. Please consider how you want you life to be - how long can you live in this numb world?

I wish you the best and pray for your happiness and safety.

Adrianne

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 1:56pm

Its the numbness that begins to set in when we begin to retreat into "survival" mode, its what protects us from the pain of the abuse, that allows us to exist every day with pain and fear. I have a picture of me during my "numb" stage and it is a horrid picture of an empty, lifeless woman...I never would allow my picture to be taken but my daughter caught me off guard and when I saw this particular picture I immediately hid it away because I couldnot bear what it meant and what it showed me. I still have this picture tucked away in my journal but next to it I have a picture a close friend took of me about 18 months after I left smiling and laughing, playing in the park with my DS...a world of difference.

ALthough the state of numbness attempts to protect us from pain it also only permits us to survive or exist not truly live until we find that point within us that propels us to break free and live again.

There is nothing wrong with you, elm, you are simply trying to comprehend what has happened to you. I think you need to begin putting together a safety plan, talk to a DV counsellor because i fear that this is a definate sign of his esclation of abuse.

Please take care and keep posting.
Lisa