What's wrong with me?
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| Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:52am |
OK, I feel like it's stupid to even keep posting because I'm too weak to up and leave my BF and I know that's what everyone, including me, has agreed I should do. I am a smart woman, I know the situation isn't right, but I just can't seem to do it. I can't help but keep thinking that perhaps it's me with the problem, and maybe I should just stick it out because things might improve. What's wrong with me???
I'm just so depressed all the time and although I can surmise many reasons why that might be, I can't pinpoint any one definite thing. The past week and a half have passed without any major conflicts, so why would I feel this way? I just feel like sleeping all the time so I don't have to feel anything anymore. I'm so tired, through and through. I don't care about doing anything anymore (except seeing him) and the slightest thing will set me off in tears. But I do still want to see him, because I feel like I need him so much for support, even though he doesn't give me the support I really need. Does this make sense??? Am I off my rocker???
Two weekends ago I arranged and paid for a nice "retreat" of sorts for my BF because he'd been so stressed out that week. He said he really liked it, it proved how much I loved him, blah, blah, blah. I'm glad, but when I think about it, I just know he would never do that for me. Not that I have asked him to do it, but it would be nice to know that my BF (or anyone) could recognize my needs and support me like that unconditionally, instead of tearing me down further. Is it too much to ask for someone to tend to my needs like that- just once? And what's even stranger is that since then, although we talk on the phone frequently- usually several times/ day- he has been avoiding seeing me in person. I can't figure it out!
On another matter, this morning was kind of wierd. My BF called to tell me that he had to leave his house for the day. One of the contractors working on it was angering him and he felt that if he didn't leave he was going to go out and stick his gun in the guy's face and order him off his property. I have never actually witnessed my BF do anything like that, but I really think he would. He has talked about things like that numerous times, and before I knew him he got into some violent rows (never resulting in fatalities, but they could have). I gave him an alternate suggestion on how to handle the problem that really would work, but as usual, my BF didn't really listen.
I asked him if he ever got mad enough at me, would he put a gun in my face, and he said no. I honestly don't know if he would or not. He's never been physically violent with me, but if he got mad enough, who knows? My guess is that he would either get violent or completely shut me out. And, perhaps the thing that bothers me the most is that while his violent, threatening statements like this one this morning used to shock, scare, and abhor me to my very core, now it's like I'm accustomed to hearing them and I don't feel the impact that I used to feel.
I did talk to a psychologist about all of this, although I haven't found a DV counselor yet (I know, that is what I really need, but for now, this is what I've got). Anyway, this counselor reaffirmed that my BF is the only support I've really got right now, and I have to do what "feels right". She said that it would be difficult for me to cut him off because he is there, even if he's not all I need right now. At least he's someone. But what "feels right" varies daily! Sometimes it "feels right" to stay with him and sometimes it "feels right" to go! So that perplexes me further. Logically and emotionally, I know deep down I should go, but hearing my fears confirmed like that from an independent party makes me doubt myself even more.
Ahhh! I'm so sorry this is rambling- you all are going to think I've lost it! I'm just feeling so lost I can't get my head together today. This might not even make sense, but if anyone can relate, any thoughts would be welcomed.

It is never easy leaving someone that you care about. You are not losing it! None of us left feeling good about the relationship or ourselves and for the most part, it took a final "wrong doing" on our ex's part to finally push us over the edge and out the door...you too, will come to leave when the time is right...or if he gets some major counseling, maybe the relationship can be saved.
Depression is only one of the many feelings you will experience but you can get counseling/medication if you feel you can't do this on your own. Just take it one day at a time...you'll know what to do.
Physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse there is...the worst abuse is the emotional/psychological aspect. These leave major scars on the heart and soul and IMO is harder to deal with than physical. Either way, no one deserves to be treated like this EVER!
Stop doing things for him (like sending him on a retreat). Instead, pay for a retreat for yourself...don't wait on him to do it. You get away and take care of yourself first. That's the way it should be...you deserve it!!! Pamper yourself...
Thoughts and best wishes to you!!!
"But I do still want to see him, because I feel like I need him so much for support, even though he doesn't give me the support I really need. Does this make sense??? Am I off my rocker???"
No, you're not.
CL-Blueliner4
your not going crazy but you will be eventually if you stay. you say your tired through and through and numb thats partly because that's the only way you can deal with this situation. by not feeling you mask out the pain and joy of life and right now your in a lot of pain.
yes you need to get out no it will not be easy but it will be worth it. many of the reasons you think you want to stay are his reasons and his words. you say you want to leave him because you would like some support -that's your thought /words.
but at least he's some support which is better than none - those are his words and thoughts.
just because you don't have broken bones or black eyes doesn't mean you aren't being abused. there are many forms of abuse and you are being abused. abuse does not get better! he will not use physical abuse until he needs to to control you. so far he can do that with emotional and physcological abuse. you know this that's why you questioned him about the gun, his temper and you.
you do need a new counselor because this one obviously does not understand the situation. otherwise they would be advising you to leave.
Although the suggestion to do what's feels right you answered in your first line:
OK, I feel like it's stupid to even keep posting because I'm too weak up to and leave my BF and I know that's what everyone, including me, has agreed I should do. I am a smart woman, I know the situation isn't right,
and you're not stupid or weak you just need help.
your smart enough to realize that. that's why you posted here for help and knew you needed a counselor. now go to a center or shelter that provides help/ counseling for domestic abuse. if you can't find one the YWCA will provide these services
just keep taking one day at a time one step at a time and start to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. don't wait for him or anyone else. the change starts with you and you can do this. you deserve better than this. fight for yourself not for this relationship.
-me
I *HOPE* you misunderstood your counselor! "Anyway, this counselor reaffirmed that my BF is the only support I've really got right now, and I have to do what "feels right". She said that it would be difficult for me to cut him off because he is there, even if he's not all I need right now. At least he's someone." I assume he has threatened you w/ violence as well?
Maybe i am reading this wrong, but is your counselor agreeing with you that staying w/ this abusive person, who threatens violence like that, is the right thing to do at this time b/c "at least he is someone" you can have in your life? PLEASE tell me i am reading this wrong? & if not, then PLEASE contact your closest DV womens shelter or program & SEE SOMEONE WHO HAS A CLUE!
R~