when...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
when...
4
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:40pm
when did you figure out it was time to go? Where did you get the courage to leave and stay gone? What is keeping me here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: visionseer
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:08pm

Two years ago and one month today..........thats how long I've stayed gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: visionseer
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:08pm

We all find it at differnet times. As for me, there were stages but I will always remember 2 very important dates - Novemeber 29, 2003 which was the day i knew I was done, that whatever it took I was leaving. He had done very many things to me up tp thay point including threatening to kill me, kicking me and holding me in a headlock inf ront of our children BUT this day I broke the closet door (it was a Saturday) adn I tried to hide it becasue I knew he would freak byt he found it and he started to yell and scream and calling me stupid blah blah blah, you all know the story, and there I was trying to serve my children pancakes for breakfast adn my hands started to shake adn wiht a clarity I could never really describe a voice said, "this is not my life" adn more importanly, "I may be a lot of things but I sure as heck am not stupid!" I called my Mom that night confessed it all and began to plan. While he got increasingly aggressive I went to the bank, the lawyer, the Shelter and finally was able to leave on February 11, 2004 so I just celebrated my 2 years of freedom from abuse. What kept me gone? My then DD4. There too many reasons to explain but thinking of her life and her futures kept me strong. What else keeps me gone is that I wake up everyday adn know my life is my own and I can feel adn laugh and cry adn lvoe wihtout fear.

That is it for me, my two bg dates and what keeps my free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: visionseer
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:09pm

For me there were several things that happened before I made the 'final' decision to get out of the relationship, so we're probably in a similar boat about flip flopping.

I had been listening to my family and friends for some time about how he was controlling me, abusing me, etc., and realizing they were right before the episode that got me out of the house in the first place.

The 'episode' on August 9th 2004 was when he hit my mom for trying to take our oldest daughter out of his arms to prevent him from driving drunk with her (I'd just gotten out of the hospital with an emergency appendectomy so he probably would have hit me if I had tried to remove her). I stayed at my parent's house and moved out with my DDs (3.5 and 8 months) the next morning.

Since it was the first time he'd actually hit anyone (threatened me several times, but never made contact), I managed to convince myself he would change.

I requested that he attend alcohol treatment and we would start counseling when he completed it. He started drinking again before he even got out of the treatment. I was hoping the counseling would help him (that 1% sounded promising if he were willing to try), but he wound up quiting that too.

He was so sweet when we were together or talking on the phone, and I kept thinking maybe I'm wrong, maybe he can change, maybe, maybe...

I finally filed for divorce after a threatening, yelling phone call from him and I decided enough was enough, I didn't deserve that and I didn't want my daughters around it either. It took me over a year to get to that point and I was already out of the house, but I heard from him almost every day.

I cut off contact after he threatened to come search the house for stuff I had supposedly taken, and I figured he was on the drugs again and would be a danger to me and my family. It's been 2 months since I last heard from him through un-official channels, but the divorce isn't done yet. I have been so much stronger since I haven't had to hear from him almost every day because he can't keep reeling me in.

It's never an easy decision, but listen to your friends and family if they are telling you they see a problem. Abusers don't usually like for others to see what they are doing and if others are seeing it, that's just the tip of the iceberg. What you are experiencing is so much worse than what they see.

There are times I still miss him, but I know I'm doing the right thing. You'll know it too when you finally make the decision. If that takes you one day, one year or one decade, when you finally get out, you'll be so much happier.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: visionseer
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 10:37pm

I had to jump in on this one.