When did everyone start to notice abuse?
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| Sat, 04-30-2005 - 9:54am |
Hi ladies,
I keep posting different title on this board, but I these questions and feelings are just going through my head so this is the only way I can get this off my chest. When I reflect back and think how for the first 16 years of our marriage I was ok with all his controlling ways, and I felt we were all happy. What made something click in my brain was 4 years ago when we went out with some friends, and he started in on me with embarrassing comments in front of them. I hadn't seen some of them in a while so I was excited and really talking it up, he tells me to "settle" down, that led to a number of embarrassing putdown type comments throughout the evening. For some reason that finally made me see that this man that I went out of way for to make sure he was happy because I thought that's what a devoted wife was supposed to do was only thinking of himself. It really surprised me that he would treat me this way since I have always treated him with respect and love. I realized then that treating him nice all the time and tolerating his controlling ways, only created a spoiled person who was out of control.
Sometimes I wish though, that I still had my "blinders" on, at least I wouldn't be dwelling on how unhappy I am.
Thanks again for letting me vent. This board is marvelous.

I think it was about six months ago. Fortunately, I never married this man. We'd been in the midst of some heavy issues for a few days and arguing on and off. Basically, it was about his numerous online friendships with women. And all of a sudden I get this e-mail from him. It was actually a copy of an e-mail he'd sent to a female friend of his, forwarded to me, outlining our personal problems and telling her how mean I'd been to him. He told me he felt I wasn't listening to him, so he thought this was the only way to get my attention.
I still don't understand why I didn't call it quits right then and there. What I did was tell him, in no uncertain terms, that if he wanted any future with me, he'd better not ever pull a stunt like that again.
Fast forward to today, six months later...well, last week, in our joint e-mail account no less, I find a bunch of e-mails between him and one of his entourage. She was telling him about all her marital and sexual problems and he was telling her, "you're so awesome, you've been through so much, I love you and we could have been soulmates," and then he proceeds to tell her a bunch of specific, intimate details about our sex life together. And to top it off, he told her he was going to create a special folder to keep these e-mails hidden from me.
I couldn't believe the lame excuses he tried to offer me. It was incredible. Well, now I have a goal date to be moved out. I just passed my board exam, and he had been helping me pay some bills because my savings had run out. In two months, I am out of here. He's moping around like a wounded puppy, trying to tell me that when he says "I love you" to others, it's not the same way he means it with me. Those words mean absolutely nothing to me anymore, coming from him. And telling a third person about our sex life is just over the top. No more. I am not putting up with any more of this stuff.
Sorry to make this so long, lol. It's just that it's so fresh in my mind and heart...
Girly, you post here as much as you want and as often as you want!
I was married to someone who was extremely abusive. He was abusive before I even married him. First time he hit me was about 2 months after I met him. He slapped me across the face one evening because I didn't have dinner ready for him. (We moved in together very quickly-big mistake.) I had problems of my own then, I had a drinking problem, and I thought all this abuse was because I was drinking all the time. I thought I deserved it. I didn't quit drinking until I got pregnant with my first child. Then I quit, completely. But the abuse didn't stop even though I was sober.
I realized that back then, I just didn't like myself or respect myself at all. That's how I ended up with a man like that in the first place. That's also why I stayed with someone like that. I didn't have the self-esteem to get out.
What clicked/helped me was when my STBX moved to Colorado for the Army in Sept 2004. I started rediscovering myself, and then his admitting to having a 3some and continuing an affair with the woman in December really hammered it home. He wanted a divorce, so he could be with the other woman (who was married and had 2 kids) As my mother says, "another episode of 'As the Stomach Turns'" :) The therapy I started immediately helped immensely. I look back on the 10 years we spent together and want to smack my head and say "Doh!" His temper tantrums, drinking problems, his lack of empathy regarding my emotions and well-being, his self-destructive behavior, and embarrassing me in public were all accepted by me because only I understood him, and I loved him. I do understand him, in that he has some serious sexual issues, feelings of inferiority that he takes out on me, his sense of entitlement, and his sadistic tendencies. None of our possessions were 'ours', just 'yours' and 'mine'. I've been physically separated from him for 8 months now, and I will be filing in the next month. I'm happier than I've ever been, lost 30 pounds in the past year, and am excelling at work. (Which is a big deal for me, because I was fired from my last two jobs, due to performance)
I'm free in spirit, and I will be free of him very soon. :)
"My husband and I are divorcing over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
R~