When do you know...+

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
When do you know...+
2
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:58am

Hey everyone. This is an update to the post from last week. I wanted to first thank you guys for all your support, it feels good to know that there are people out there that care and can give really great advice.

After what happened last week, on Friday I went home and packed some clothes and went to a friends house. Later that night he called me b/c he wanted to talk. So we met up in a public place to talk. He told me that he didn’t realize that he was abusing me and he didn’t realize what he was doing. So he finally let me talk and say all the things that were bothering me. So I did and told him I didn’t want to see him all weekend because I just needed time to think and recover. So he agreed to that. We met up again on Sunday night and had dinner.

Here is the thing, I don’t know if he’s faking it or what. Like I feel like I can’t get too comfy because at any time the bomb will blow again. I love him so much and I want to work things out and he “seems” that he wants the same thing too but how can I know for sure if he’s really trying. Yesterday we had a little argument, which I thought was going to end up in a fight but he just let me talk and we talked about it like adults and that was that. So is he really trying? When do you know it’s time to go? When do you know you can work things out?

I’m not confused because I know what I want. I love him and I want to work things out with him. Is there anything that I should be doing different, like maybe being wise and know when to argue and when to not. Is there a difference between getting angry and yelling and getting angry and being abusive. What is the line between the two? Everyone gets angry and yells, but when is it abuse?

Any advice will help, thanks ladies, for all your advice and help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:06pm

"Is there anything that I should be doing different, like maybe being wise and know when to argue and when to not. Is there a difference between getting angry and yelling and getting angry and being abusive. What is the line between the two? Everyone gets angry and yells, but when is it abuse?"

Hi sweet, to try and answer some of your questions... there's nothing you should be doing different.You said you were calm when stating your case or opinion.
Yes everyone gets angry, but when you are disrespected, screamed at,and made to fear for your life,, that's abuse.

"He told me that he didn’t realize that he was abusing me and he didn’t realize what he was doing."

I suppose that could be the case, but I highly doubt it.It's not difficult to realize that you're being cruel to someone.The thing with abusers is, they just don't care.They have no conscience.The "I didn't know" line is just a tactic they use to sweet talk you back.

You can try counceling,him alone or both of you together..but the statistics show that it doesnt help in the case of abusers.I wish you luck,and whatever you do..know that we are here for you.

(((hugs)))
Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:14pm

Sweet-Pea

I was married for over twenty-two year and did not realize what I was living in was abuse. I had it lable everythings else but that. I have been seperated for two years now and seeing a therapist who has been helping me learn how to lable and know what is abuse. One of the books she recommend to me is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" Lundy Bancroft is the author and he has all the answers in his book.

Page 339 of his book:

Steps to change

1. Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can't change if he is continuing to cover up to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors were unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become abusive and that he chosses how far to let himself go.

There is more . . . the main thing I have learn to use here is if he saids I am sorry and there is a excuse why . . . that lets ne know he is not sorry because there is no excuse for abuse.

I hope this helps.

MeMe7x