When it doesn't happen often

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
When it doesn't happen often
5
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 8:24am

I guess one of the things that's been making it so difficult for me to see this situation with any clarity is that these incidents don't happen so often. For many folks on here, its a situation they live with, it seems, day in and day out. My confusion stems from the fact that my H's incidents of "abuse" seem to be spread out by months, even years.

True, I live with his narcissism on a daily basis, but even that doesn't seem to bother me much. Maybe I've gotten used to his incredible superiority, I don't know.

Was anyone else out there in the same situation?, that their spouse wasn't abusive on a regular basis just did something incredibly unforgiveable every once in a while? then lured you back in?

I feel really bleak today. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 9:09am

Hi Mo,

I hope your day doesn't remain so bleak. You might want to try doing something nice for yourself today, something silly or fun, something just for you. And I wouldn't hang around the computer for too long. I know that for myself, it gets my mind into a depressed rut that's hard to get out of some days.

I've been involved with two abusive men, and the abuse wasn't an every day thing, so that made it all the more awful when it would happen. Out of the blue! BAM! Surprise, surprise! It was always a pretty bad shock when it happened.

I can tell you, though, that each time the abuse occured it would be worse than the last.

My ex was a narcissist as well, and it was possible to train him to do socially acceptable things. The problem was, he had no way of knowing instinctively what the right thing to do was, so when an unfamiliar situation would occur for which he had no training, he would always react inappropriately. He was always getting us into terribly embarrassing or dangerous situations.

Isn't not getting treatment for an injured child considered criminal negligence? I mean, can't a parent go to jail for that? On the local news, I see parents going to jail all the time for things like that. I'd hate to see you end up in trouble for something your husband did or didn't do. If I were you, I'd try every thing possible to find some outside help and get that guy out of the picture.

Being with a narcissist is an exhausting, lonely, frustrating experience. Sometimes I miss him, but I only have to be with him for a couple of minutes to realize that my ex is just a total abusive narcissistic nut.

I know you're in a really tough situation. Hang in there. Explore all the avenues you can find for help. Above all, keep the safety and well-being of your child and yourself as the top priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 5:41pm

<<>>

I LOVE this! That's exactly what it's like - training! Your post made me laugh, thanks for that. It's like the situation arises, I explain his behavior is unacceptable, he processes that and decides to alter his behavior - not necessarily because of the behavior but because of my reaction to the behavior - and then we don't see that particular behavior again. So I feel pretty confident that H will never throw DS on the bed so recklessly that DS's arm is bent behind him in an awkward position and breaks. He won't ever send DS down a waterslide again (I still can't get over that one!!!). He won't leave him unattended in the bathtub again. But I have absolutely no way of knowing what sitations he might encounter and be unable to assess the safety of. UGH.

It's been a long tough week of work and I just finished meeting with a new client and I'm finally going home. Thanks so much for your response, and for bringing some levity into this situation, such as it is. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 6:54am

Hey Mo,

I'm glad I got you to laugh!

It's exactly what you said. They alter their behavior because of our reactions to it, not because they understand that it's wrong and why it's wrong. My ex's father abused him severely for many years, but it was all emotional, not physical, abuse. The damage done, though, apparently is there for life. From all I've read, narcissists can't be fixed.

Like you, I got used to him, and I almost didn't mind sometimes helping him out. I felt bad for him because he really was so clueless, and he grew up in such a loveless & hateful home, but when he became dangerous, I had to leave. That's what did it for me. There was no doubt in my mind that he would hurt me in one of his crazy rages, and there was no doubt in my mind that he would hurt someone else because he truly doesn't understand why the things he does are wrong.

I eventually had a court order to keep him away from me because he'd started stalking me. His sense of entitlement is huge. When the judge asked him if he understood that he couldn't contact me anyway, my ex actually hesitated for a minute, right in front of the judge and about fifteen policemen. The judge had to ask him a second time if he understood, and he finally said that yes he did. But he doesn't. He'll never understand. He'll still call occasionally from a pay phone and not say anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:10pm

"When the judge asked him if he understood that he couldn't contact me anyway, my ex actually hesitated for a minute, right in front of the judge and about fifteen policemen. The judge had to ask him a second time if he understood...."


And yet there is still plenty of room in the stupid tree.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:45pm
It doesn't have to happen everyday. It can happen once, a week, once a month, once every few months and it is still too often. I understand where you are coming from where when it isn't on a daily basis you question yourself. I keep bringing myself back to a college psychology course I had on "intermittent reinforcement", at least that is how I think you spell it. It was how when someone least knows what to expect next, it is the best way to "train them". I still in my heart don't believe that my husband wants to treat me poorly, it is my head that I am convincing, the heart can lead us astray.... It is hard, I'm in the midst of it too, bawling my head off tonight and so glad that I have others here who understand what I am feeling and going through. Hang in there, everyone assures me there will be brighter days.....