When others say he is a great guy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
When others say he is a great guy...
12
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:40pm
I am confused by how I feel when outsiders tell me how wonderful my husband is. I feel angry. I want to feel happy that whoeverit is thinks highly of him, but deep down,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:10pm

Hi Notsure and welcome -


Abusers are chameleons.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:17pm
Men are often called "great guys" when they have two key ingredients: Confidence and money. Both of those things are what is needed to become powerful and influential. Power and influence are what abusive personalities thrive on. How abusive do you the think the poor nerdy guy is when he goes home at night?

Others say he's a great guy most likely because he's not practiced in the art of humility. My sister's dreadful husband is often considered to be a charming guy because he's shows no sign of being timid, he is outgoing, and entertaining to the outsider. People think "It must be an interesting life to always be around such charisma, and such a lively person."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:14pm
Hi...I've been out of the abusive relationship for just about two years now.

Recently, I came to the realization that part of the reason why I didn't leave sooner than I did is because everyone LOVED my ex so I was certain nobody would believe me. It was hard because deep down I didn't think I would find any support anywhere, that they would all believe him.

Some did believe me and supported me, some didn't. But man oh man. I tired very quickly of listening to people tell me how congenial and easy to get along with.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Love, and many hugs

Sarah

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 7:03pm
notsure - I remember having very conflicting feelings when I heard people say how nice and wonderful my dh was/is. In my head I would immediately think, 'yeah, but you don't go home with him' and for the longest time, I felt badly that I even thought that! Now, I understand that was my gut instinct telling me something was wrong with the way he treated/treats me. It doesn't matter what any one else thinks about your dh. You have to try to find how you feel about him and then do what ever you must for yourself - whether that be staying and learning to deal with him, or leaving him - the choice is yours, just as the choice is his to treat you as he does behind closed doors. I too am embarrassed and uncomfortable in even thinking about telling others that by dh is emotionally abusive, like people are going to look at me and say 'what?' he is so nice and kind - they will doubt me because he does come across very nice - but they don't see the real him - he saves that for home, where he 'knows' he can get away with being insecure and whiny and possessive and the list could go on.

It has taken me a very long time to get to the point I am at, I still have a ways to go, but mentally I believe I am ready - I am now waiting - not sure what for - but I am waiting to make my move (so to speak) and when I go, I won't be putting blame anywhere (if I can help it) - but I know he will be looking for blame because he won't be able to understand that MY FEELINGS are MINE and they aren't what he wants them to be, no matter and especially because he CONTROLS me!

Read and learn all you can - there is so much help from this board and the home page. You are looking for and need validation from others that you aren't imagining his behavior - come here - you will find the support you need until you are ready to do what ever you decide needs to be done.

Hugs and welcome,

ples

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:44pm
Just adding my own here....I can understand where you are coming from. My H too, is seen as such a nice guy, especially from my mom's point of view. So, its frustrating to deal with their "other half personality" at home, knowing that they will never show this side of them at work or with other people. I can only agree with the last message, which is to look at your H is your own eyes, and make your own decision. I wish you strength along the way. :)

strength76
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 12:32pm
I am an occasional lurker on this board. Your post struck me because my XH is one of those "great guys" and people could not understand why I divorced him. I divorced my H 4 years ago after enduring many years of verbal/emotional abuse. My XH is a narcissist to the extreme. While money and confidence are part of this, the "image" of money is too. My X is viewed by the outside world as a wonderful person and great father and very successful. We always lived beyond our means and were in tremendous debt when we divorced. We had a house that we could not afford, cars we could not afford and he only wore the best designer labels, while the kids and I dressed in the best resale stuff that money could buy. My family only knew of what he really was because he went to them and apologized for what he had done to me. "Our" friends were, in actuality, his friends and I had to re-establish friendships with people that I lost touch with. It is funny that when we were divorcing, he told me that he understands I got tired of living in the "_________ (his name) show". It was all about him, his image, his appearances. It has been hard to not be able to tell others what I really endured, but those that matter (my family and my children) all know. I have had to accept that. This man paid very little child support yet managed to take nice trips and buy even more "stuff". The only sadness I have now is that, unfortunately, two of my three sons learned very well from their father and I fear what might happen in their future relationships. I did have an incident where my youngest son became physically abusive toward me and posted on that a little while back. I do start counseling tomorrow in order to deal with that. Sometimes there is also guilt involved in how, by my lack of acting earlier, this all affected my sons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 2:02pm
Wow...I feel like I just read my autobiography! Tills, I think I realized yestersday that my soon-to-be XH is affected by Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains why he thought he was above the law, lied contantly, blamed me for problems, never apologized, controlled and abused me, and called himself (and I quote) "The c*ck of the walk." He's half right on that one!

He spend beyond our means, our car was repo'ed, and now it's all my fault! I was forced to go on Medicaid to get our children health care and he was still out buying himself golf shirts. My oldest is from my first marriage and has no more contact with him, but I, too, fear the 2 year old will end up being like him.

I just pray that justice will come of this mess at some point and that others can learn from our experiences...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:46pm
I do believe that what goes around, comes around. I am nowhere near perfect, but these last four years out of the situation has changed me. My X was also very controlling and that did not come out until our first child was born. The verbal abuse started subtly and increased over the years. My X is now selling his big house, both of his fancy cars, seems to have a problem keeping a job and has told our sons they will be out on the street unless they find someplace else to live. The older two can afford to go out on their own, but the youngest has the problem. Unless he straightens out, then I am not sure where he will go. The X will continue to appear as very successful, but I know better. Sad to say, but it does bring some sense of relief to me now. The king has been dethroned. I am living proof that life can be better with less.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:49pm
Tills:

I think that Karma will eventually catch up with all these men. He is going to be lost without someone to control, although he's incapable of doing anything for himself. I cooked, cleaned, took care of him & the kids, keep the finances, ran his business. He needed ME, not the other way. I thought I needed him, but I don't. I've dealt with "less" for some time now, too. I don't have much, but it's mine and I love having my freedom from his "reign" of power.

Life is so much nicer without him around, no fights, no fear, no unforseen obstacles other than those life usually offers. Hopefully the kids will be okay. I found out he was trying to give up his company and work somewhere out of state. I hope he does so that he doesn't continue to mess with my son's head. I'm sure he'll neglect the child support then, too. It's already arriving later and later...can't do anything until after 30 days. And he knows it...

It's just amazing what these great guy are made of...absolutely nothing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:25am
Hello Just,

Funny, you mention your x leaving the state. Mine just told me the same over the weekend. He has applied for jobs (he is only working part-time right now and is living off his retirement) and will most likely relocate out of the area. He will put our sons out. As I mentioned before, the older two can live on their own and the youngest is making progress toward repairing the damage he did and may be able to move back in with me when the house sells. In a nutshell, my youngest son attacked me several weeks ago and I have not allowed him back into the house. I have started counseling and have also joined Families Anonymous to help me deal with that issue, plus the remaining emotional garbage left over from my marriage. My x had all the control over the finances, decision-making, everything and basically told me that I could not exist without him. I have proven him wrong.

As for child support, my youngest did just graduate from high school last month. However, I received no child support from September 02 until he graduated. We did not go through Friend of the Court (big mistake now, I know), but I managed. I also refused spousal support, because I viewed that as a control issue and I wanted him to have NO power over me.

Also just found out that the x is now bad-mouthing me and saying his financial problems are the result of me divorcing him and not his bad financial choices made post-divorce. Yes, karma has arrived. He can bad-mouth me all he wants but I am not the one living in neck-deep debt and I have not had to cash in my retirement just to survive.

To the rest who read this post, I have only attended one Families Anonymous meeting, but I was amazed to listen to the stories of other families and the unconditional support they gave has already helped me in staying strong and not allowing my son back into my home. He has apologized for the attack and we have talked some about all of the issues... substance abuse, the verbal/physical assault of several weeks ago and his feelings toward his father. My heart has wanted to let him back, but I know I cannot, yet. I will continue counseling and FA and do feel more optimistic now than before.

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