when will I GET IT?!?!?!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
when will I GET IT?!?!?!!!!!!
3
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 1:15pm

Yesterday was a long, stressful day. I had school and work; work was INSANE. I work at a bank, so Friday's are bad anyway, but I also live in a tourist area and all the retired Floridians with second and third homes here head up on Friday, so it makes my day even more stressful. Plus, we are shorthanded. By the time 5 pm rolled around my feet were so swollen that my toes looked like Vienna Sausages! So, I went and got the boys and as soon as I walk in the door, the phone is ringing. It is H. He just got in from playing golf and wants to know if I need help with the boys. Without even thinking, I said "YES!!!!" I did desperately need help, but if I'd had thirty minutes to get the boys settled before he'd called, I probably would have been able to say no to him. He did help with the boys, but mostly he sat in front of the TV. We all played together for a while and that was nice for the boys. Then, H reminds me of EXACTLY why I kicked him out. He rolled a ball to Spencer (3-year-old) who was overly excited and jumping up and down. Spencer accidentally jumped on top of the ball, ball goes flying, and Spencer's legs go right out from under him and the thud from the back of his head hitting the floor was quite loud. I freaked because he'd hit his head and rushed to him. You know what H does? Laughs out loud!!!! He actually pointed and laughed at his 3-year-old son!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 6:25pm

Ok, I have tried posting to your post about three different times and each time it freezes!!!!

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 10:31pm
I was thinking the same thing. Your plate is really really full right now. Two young boys plus being pregnant plus a full time job plus school. I can't imagine doing all that. Right now I have 1 year old twins plus an 11 year old plus a part time job-and that's it, no pregnancy, no full time job, no school, no a##hole stressing me out. And I feel like I have just the right amount of work to do. It keeps me busy. I don't even think about more. I think the best thing is to find a way where you continue with school, but get some help so you don't have to work at all(that may be unrealistic). and try to get some help with your kids from some one besides him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:40am

It took me quite a while to finally get it, but even after I did and knew fully that I was married to an abusive man, it still took me a while to get to a point of acceptance --accepting the fact that I'd never be able to change myself ENOUGH to satisfy and please him, and then getting over the guilt of not staying until "death do us part." God has brought me a long way and today I am free, happily divorced and living life on my own terms.

Coming to a place of acceptance can be incredibly freeing. But what can even be more empowering is reaching a point where you no longer care about him, no longer care about trying to please him, and just give up on him and the marriage.

If you haven't already, one of the best things you can do is get and read one of the current books on the market about abusive men. There are several, but two that come highly recommended on these boards is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I realize your "downtime" is very limited with all that you currently have on your plate. However, if you can possibly carve out just 10 minutes a day to read from either one of these books, I guarantee you that in due time, you will have a new attitude and see your situation in an entirely new light.

We are all here but a short time. You and your children deserve to be in an environment free from abuse and all the crazymaking crap your H is putting all of you through. Find a way to break free of him Samantha. Time is of the essence and you've got a lot of healing to do.

Remember that you deserve to be free and happy.

All the best,
Heymum