Where can HE get help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Where can HE get help?
10
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:51pm
My H and I had a long talk the other night. He did a lot of the predictable word twisting and throwing things back at me, blah blah blah, but he SAYS he wants to fix things, end the verbal abuse, quash the violence, all that jazz. He supposedly has a therapy appointment coming up soon, but I told him if he's really serious, he'll want to check into a program that focuses on abuse specifically.

Thing is, I can't even find such a program when I go looking for it. I see there's something called EMERGE in New York or Massachusetts or something, and a few court-ordered batterers' programs. But how can I find a local program? (I'm in Michigan.)

I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket, mind you. I know the likelihood of him overcoming this is slim to none. But it's odd that I can't find the answer to this. I find a million programs for the victim, but none for the abuser. Isn't that strange? Are there really no men out there wanting to fix their problem, and thus no demand for properly trained counselors? Maybe that's the case.

Or maybe there's a clear list somewhere and I've just failed to find it yet. Any help would be appreciated.

A

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:51am

Wow, good question.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:42am

Wouldn't abuse hotlines and local resources have access to those kinds of therapists? Wouldn't therapists who works with the abused party also be trained to work with the abuser? If not, I'm betting they have the names and numbers of those who do.




Along with the suggestions Blueliner had, call your local state Adult and Family Services Divison. They have a list of programs/therapists that their clients are referred to. I can promise you a call to your local federal, state or county parole/probation department (every state has a different name, for some it's Dept. of Corrections, Adult Corrections, Feds would be U.S. Probation...)each one of those offices most likely has an officer who carries the domestic violence caseload. Ask to speak to that officer and you'll get the names and numbers of the counselors and programs he or she sends clients to. Don't be afraid to ask if they know of any other resources as well, likely, they only use one or two, whomever they currently have a contract with, you'll have to jog them to get them to think about other resources they're aware of but don't use.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 6:54am
Amber, I am in complete agreement with Blue on this.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:33am

look for a counselor that specializes in behavioral disorders. DH and i were looking for counselors too. He did most of the calling and leg work but we found the same problem... not many specialize in abuse or anger management in our area, but from talking to a few counselors we learned that behavioral disorders fall under the category of anger management as well... bc usually anger is the underlying issue.


look for counselors that deal with abuse, domestic abuse or child abuse... call them and ask if they have any resources for programs you could look into.


=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:44am
What is he doing in the mean time to find a program? This is his problem, if he really wants help then he really should be the one doing all this research.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:17pm
I haven't posted in awhile but just popped in and saw this. I also tried to find my sbtx a abuse program. They are out there but the problem is that many will not take self-referrals! I agree with the others that HE should be doing the searching. I know that is hard because you want to see him get into a program but ultimately he has to do the work.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 6:22pm

Hi...the court ordered programs are probably the only options and if there are more in your area, they

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 8:23am
Hi, and thanks for the input. I know he should be the one doing the research, but when I went online to see how many resources were available, I was a little disheartened to see that even if he tried to do the research, he'd have trouble finding any info. Yesterday, he said he finally made his therapy appointment. It's either Tuesday or Thursday of next week. He doesn't know who the therapist is, though. He basically was told by our insurance company where he could go that was close to us, and he didn't specify anything when going back and forth with the place trying to get the appointment set up. I'm a little discouraged by that, naturally, because I told him at least 4 billion times that he needed to talk to someone who specializes in abuse. He said he'd lay out these problems for this therapist and see what advice he gets. We shall see.

Thanks again for your help!

A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 8:52am
If the therapist has the mindset of couple's problems in a nonabusive situation, she'll be thinking it takes two to cause problems and two to fix it and he or she will be making suggestions toward two people working together. And suggestions as to what both have done wrong. Then this gives abusers more ammunition, like my counselor said you have to do this and this and this before I can do whatever(fill in the blank to stop being abusive). With a little manipulation from the abuser, it's very easy to get a non abuse trained counselor all mixed up and giving bad if not dangerous advice. Counselors are in the mindset of working with people and helping them and not in the mindset of challenging people-which is what abusers need. My husband went to one counselor for a year and it did absolutely no good. I did not go and did not talk with her at all. Then when I already knew I was leaving just working out the final details, he found another counselor and I went with him the second time. Her premise was totally wrong. She kept trying to work on us as a couple and what could we do to stop the abuse. THis implies blame to the victim and it also implies that she can somehow stop it. I said I know what I can do to stop the abuse real quick, which is get out and never look back. Then I further said to her if this is a couple's problem then why don't I leave and he can go get another woman and he won't abuse her since it takes two to abuse. I think this woke her up or made her remember something in her training that she learned long ago because she then said that physical abuse was not acceptable. But what if I hadn't spoke up, and how many other women did not speak up and went through months of working as a couple to stop the abuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:10pm

This is bad news, right off the bat.

CL-Blueliner4