Where to start??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Where to start??
3
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 9:24am

Hi Everyone;

I wish I knew where to start this story...so much has happened.

My husband and I will be married 3yrs in May. This is my second marriage and I have a son (13) and daughter (8) from my previous marriage. I met my current husband online in 1999. We lived in different countries and for the first few years, it was a long distance relationship. I became close with his family and saw them as my own. He also met my children and got to know them as best he could. During this time, I understood that he go upset with his family from time to time but being in love, attributed this to a difficult childhood. He immigrated to my country and moved into my house. He could not work for the first year and a half because of immigration and his parents gave us some money for renovations which he did himself. He, I and the kids all settled into a family routine. There were some "things" (especially with my son), but I put them down to the growing pains of a new family unit. I felt that with patience and communication all would smooth over and be well (yes, in hindsight I feel very naive).

Then...over the past year or so, the "episodes" of anger have increased in frequency and intensity. During these periods, he does not sleep, becomes alternately weepy and enraged - calm then paranoid. I haven't known what to do about this and felt that we could manage this issue "in-house" so to speak. There were a few things I discussed with his family, seeking their input but the feedback I received was "that's him..always has been". He decided to start his own "on-line_ business and became consumed with E-Bay and fixated on a toy car hobby. Therefore - all money he made was spent on novelties, justified as being collectors items. Well...this January the anger escalated to the point he became physical with both my son and I. Nothing to cause us injury but I was shoved across the basement and he jumped on my son and took a few swings at him. I put myself in between them to try and stop it but he wrestled my son out from under me and put him in a headlock. How I wish I called the police then...he turned the phone off.

Things came to a head at the end of January. This time, the police DID become involved (not for physical violence, but I wasn't going to let it get to that point). I, my family, and the police were very worried about my husbands mental health. In the end, he was ordered by the courts into the hospital for psychiatric evaluation. While in the hospital, he embraced (or seemed to) the counselling, coping strategies for anger and stress and was prescribed anti-psychotic meds. The diagnosis was high-anxiety...I am not convinced they've gotten to the root of the issue, but he was miles better. He decided to visit his family on his release and they were very supportive of the steps taken to get him some help and assured me they would monitor him and keep me posted. I had also taken out a temporary restraining order as a precautionary measure on the advice of police. We were working on dealing with the implications of this...my husband and his family understood why it was necessary and we were going to look at various scenarios. As well, while he was going through the episode that saw him ordered into the hospital he actually called Child Services on me, claiming I neglected the children. This has backfired on him terribly to say the least - they have concluded that unless he continues with counselling and medication he presents a risk to my children, most especially my son.

The first few days he was with his family things were fine. THEN...the old patterns started - the anger, accusations, threats, leverage seeking comments, paranoia. His family were in touch but have not contacted me in over a week. I have been told by my husband they want nothing to do with me anymore - I don't really know what to believe. When we spoke they were not angry with me but I don't know what's happened. I am of the understanding he's also lashed out at his mother while he's been down there but they've patched things up apparently. My husband and I have decided to live in seperate residences for a while. He alternates between being reasonable to anger and back again...then the tears and high drama.

I am looking for some feedback from anyone who can help me make some kind of sense of this. I love the man I married and every now and then I get a glimpse of him. However, I cannot stand behind this current behavior and the threats to myself and my children.

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: whydi
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:30am

Hi, welcome to the board.

You are unfortunately on the rollercoaster known as domestic violence. You're right there is a root cause other than anxiety and anger. He is an abuser. Check out Lundy Bancroft's book called Why Does He Do That?. You may find the answers you need there.

I know you love the man you married. I did too, but that man I've learned was an act and didn't exist except in the fond memories I have of him. The present is the real deal and true self of the man you married. I know that's hard to hear, but it's really not you and there's nothing you can do to fix him.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: whydi
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 8:18pm

Welcome, di, I didn't see your post until tonight - will ask the cm's to move it to our top section so it'll be seen and get more attention.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
In reply to: whydi
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 7:39am

Bump...posting an update on my story and wanted the background to be accessible