Who are we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Who are we?
53
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am

I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:

...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...

This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.

What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."

I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!

It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?

I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 1:07pm

I'm sorry toady, but I have seen professional and successful women come to this board and some them HAVE gone to a women's shelter.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 5:01pm

I am a mental health nurse. I was helping and supporting victims of abuse. I even bumped into one in the street a few months after she left hospital and she thanked me for the emotional support I gave to her. Some of the people I supported were colleagues. All that time and I didn't see that I was being abused also.

Since I got out of the relationship I have realised that a huge proportion of people in 'caring' professional roles have suffered domestic abuse. I believe it's because of our nature that we are at risk of attracting abusers. Also, maybe we do not see it because we are too busy looking after others to pay attention to ourselves. Am I making any sense? I cannot speak for those in other types of profession, although I can add that I've seen at least one lawyer on this board. No-one is immune!
I can also say that when I was in the process of divorcing, I was almost overwhelmed by the support I got from colleagues when they found out what had been happening to me.

Please do not feel you cannot ask for help. You are as worthy and entitled as anyone else. I realise you can't see this now, but you have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 6:21pm

cl-blueliner:

Of course I'm not pissed off at you because I don't feel that you said anything offensive to me. I should clarify that my profession (Canada-wide) has a very strict "Code of Ethics" that would prevent me from accessing a women's shelter in which I have a client residing (I always have a client there). I have had to stop attending a church that I loved because I learned that one of my clients also attended this church. If I were to go to the shelter, I would have to ask the Corporate Manager of the department that I work for, to remove me from the case, and to do that I would have to give a written reason why. Saying "it's personal" would not suffice. I am not prepared to tell someone who doesn't give a crap about me, what is going on in my life.

As for telling the police, that is something I would have to get over, because their hands would be tied. They couldn't take me to the shelter because I would have to explain that I couldn't go there. They couldn't take me to any family or friends, because I have no family and I just moved to east coast Canada from west coast USA, 6 months ago. I am not close to anyone and the people I have met are coworkers. In fact, yesterday, my husband became very verbally abusive and ended the argument by taking the keys to my vehicle and leaving in another vehicle. We had taken a 3rd vehicle to the garage in the morning and it had my spare set of keys on it, so I called the garage and asked them to seperate the keys and I would pick them up (then I'd have my SUV that is parked in the driveway). We live on an island and need to take a ferry to get to the city. The ferry is 15km from our house and we don't have neighbours. I was really upset and couldn't believe that he left me out there. I did my best to calm down, and then I started spotting (this has happened before when I get really upset). I sat on the couch, with the phone on my lap, and stared at the wall for two hours!!! Trying to get up the nerve to call someone. Finally I called my H's sister, who lives on the other side of the ferry. I have spoke with her many times, and I really like her. She is the same age as me and is a nurse. Well I started crying when I was trying to talk to her and I said "I need you to come and get me." She was shocked when I told her about what her brother has been doing to me, and then suddenly she said, "look. I can't come and get you right now. I'm not sure what you expect me to do." Then she hung up. I even apologized for bothering her!!! I knew I had to get off that island and I thought of the one person that I work with that might help me. She is a social worker. I called her, explained the situation and she said she would come and get me. Five minutes later she called me back and said that she didn't feel good about coming to my house. She said "I'll call you tomorrow and if you still need a ride over I'll try and find someone who will come with me." Well, she didn't call me. Neither did my sister-in-law. This has caused me to feel very hurt and even more apprehensive about asking for help. The only two people that I felt remotely comfortable calling and they turned their back on me. I did call the police and asked them if they could pick up my keys and bring them to me. They said, "we don't do stuff like that." The taxi-cabs will not come across the ferry. I finally ended up riding my bike to the ferry, crossing to the other side and then calling a cab.

It really scared me to realize the situation I am in and the uncertainty that I feel about asking people. Yesterday was a huge step for me, but it only validated that I am truly alone in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:21pm
You have me confused w/Blueliner, I was the one that posted to you, not her.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:32pm

Hi there toady,

I think I am the poster that wish spoke of. I am a social worker. I have a degree in Psychology. I normally post on the sister board. I come over here and lurk from time to time. When I was with my daughter's dad, I worked in a shelter for abused/runaway children. I was a case manager and had to make reports to Child Protective Services all the time. Most of the time the reports had to do with children witnessing domestic violence. Through those 3 years, I was with my daughter's dad and we had our daughter. She was witness to so much fighting, pushing, threatening, restraining (me), etc... It was a huge conflict for me to be such a strong advocate for kids, and have that crud going on in my own home. There were times that the police were called to my house and the officer was someone I had come across earlier that day in my work. Because they are professional, and have to respect confidentiality, they never made the connection or acknowledged me afterwards if I was at my place of employment.

As far as the shelter, I did go one time and they said I couldn't stay because it was a conflict of interest. The shelter said that. But they made arrangements for me to go to a shelter in the next town over and Adult Protective Services took me there. If the police come to your home and you are in danger and you request help, they HAVE to figure out a way to help you. They could be held liable if they came and left and then you were murdered by your husband. AND just because you have problems in your life doesn't mean that police officers are not going to respect you in your work. I respectfully think that you have created that in your mind because you are so ashamed.

I think that as you work through all of this, you will find that it will become easier and flat out necessary for you to open up and ask for help from other professionals. Obviously, his family isn't going to be helpful. It is not shameful to ask for help, especially if your life is in danger. I don't think that your peers would be as judgmental of you as you are of yourself hon. I imagine that if you brought up your concerns to your supervisor in a private confidential meeting, you two could work out a plan so that you could be safe if you needed a safe place to go. You just have to get to a place where you can ask that.

When I decided to leave, I told everyone. I got so much help and support, it was because I asked for it and accepted it. Was I comfortable with it? Nope. But, I will tell you this, it was a whole lot better than being with him. It was a whole lot better for my daughter too.

Hugs, good luck and please be safe!

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:51pm
This is a very interesting topic. Thanks so much for bringing it up. I also am a professional and really didn't realize how much company I had. Also, the part with bringing the work into the mess was unavoidable for me as well. I was very ashamed of the situation, I felt pathetic, and I trembled visibly each time I had to tell the story to the relevant people. But then the alternative was far worse. And like many of you mentioned, I am ashamed to say what I do for work. You feel like people lose faith in you when you offer that information. One thinks 'how could one possibly have allowed such a thing to happen, and then be credible themselves?' Chances are nobody would think bad of anyone in this situation, but still there is that shadow of shame hanging over the head. And of course there is the fear of being rejected at work once they know the situation. Well, I was not rejected. I still cringe when I see those 'relevant' people that I had to inform. But they seem to be understanding. I felt like I might be risking a lot to share the information, but in the end, the shame was nowhere as bad as the fear and danger to me had I not asked for the help. Thanks again for brining up this topic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 8:54am
I think if you are a professional and employed and making decent money-you have the means to get out of that situation. You wouldn't need a shelter like some one with no financial means. I hope this doesn't offend you, but I find it really scary that people in the mental health helping professions are in this situation. I was on another message board and a woman said her boyfriend who was a psychiatrist was very abusive, and another woman in an abusive relationship was a social worker.I am also a professional, but not in any mental health capacity, so there is that stigma. Reading your post, I will definitely be wary about counseling,etc, in the future,me and my kids are doing really good and the person I might get as a counselor might be in an unhealthy abusive situation or might have a serious untreated addiction or anything and I or my kids might get messed up even worse. Your post also hits home to me because I was falsely reported for child abuse, and it was by a DV counselor. In a nutshell, a counselor said I put a bruise on my daughter's hand but she broke the mandated reporter law by not reporting the day she saw it,but two weeks later.If she would have followed the law, in my state an investigator must come out in 24 hours and there would have been no bruise, by waiting two weeks I feel like I cannot ever really clear myself.This is a DV counselor that was supposed to help us, now I wonder what screwy messed up thing's she's doing in her personal life if in her work life she can't even follow a basic mandated reporter law.Bottom line she's dangerous, if I did bruise my daughter and she waits two weeks, that puts my daughter in danger because what will I do next time, and if I didn't bruise her she hurts me because I'm always under a cloud of suspicion since two weeks is enough time for a bruise to heal. And I'm not the only one, there may be other children she's putting in danger or other parents dealing with false accusations from her. But to answer your questions, I am a professional, I just bought a house and moved out and got divorced.I did go to counseling, but you can see how well that went.I don't really talk about my situation much, but I don't feel I really need to,and I feel it could have more negative reprucussions for me in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:09am
That is messed up how they responded. I am not surprised though. You are right, people do judge you and are unsupportive. Or they may not, but it's a chance you take when you reach out for help. I don't know if you have kids or not because you didn't mention any. But here is what I see from reading that post. I think you are a strong capable woman. You got to where you are professionally and you couldn't have gotten there without inner strenth and motiviation and self discipline. When you are finally ready to leave your situation,here is my take. This is just my opinion. I would not want to be stuck on an island anywhere, much less Canada(just because it's colder-no other reason).The West Coast USA beats some little cold island in Canada to me any day. You are right that you may not have help where you are, but you are enough to help you. F####### the rest of them. You only need yourself. If I was you(and had no kids)I would search for a job where you are from West Coast USA, tell nobody, of course your employer would have to know at the end when contacted for a reference, but just tell them you and your husband were moving. Tell your husband nothing. Then after you have your job, you could look for an apartment where you are moving to, but what I would do is call the movers for when he's at work(pack up the stuff he won't notice a little at a time)and put my stuff in storage and go to an extended stay hotel(don't know if you've heard of them but it's geared for business travelers with stays up to a month) then look for an apartment from there. Then after you are situated there and you feel like you want counseling, you can go somewhere that's hours from your house, so the chances of running into anybody is slim. You really don't need anybody, you can do this on your own.If you have kids with him,the situation is more complicated of course.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 5:19pm

Thank you Liz (issabug) for responding to my post. It really helps me to know that others in my situation have gone through something similar. I think that this IS such a conflict between our professional and personal lives, that it only complicates things in ways that others don’t understand. I can refer other people to the women’s shelter and they can go easily, however, I know that I cannot go. It places us in such a predicament. Honestly, I have a very difficult time trusting the police. I have been in far too many situations where I have heard an officer question WHY a woman stays in a situation like that – and I have heard some MIMIC these women in a whiney voice, saying, “…but I love him…” There is a lot of education that is needed in other professions about the impact of domestic violence. Not all police officers are like that, but it makes me wonder, if one of them can say that in front of me, what are the rest of them saying to each other?? It stops me from asking for help.
Rayny:
I am really bothered by your post to me. I feel that you are making far too many assumptions about me and others in my profession. For starters, “making decent money” doesn’t mean that I have access to it. A lot of psychological abuse is around financial issues. All of our money goes into a joint account and I have to be accountable for what I spend. I have a huge student loan to pay off and it is killing me every single month. When I leave, I will have to withdraw every thing and make sure that my stuff is moved out – ALL on the same day. I have to be extremely strategic in how I do this, because I will have to do it on a day that there will be money in the account AND I have to do it towards the end of the day, as he can access the account online at work and if a huge chunk goes missing before I am completely gone, he will leave work and drive home. I have absolutely NO savings and I have no family that I can ask for a loan or other assistance. I am totally on my own.
Yes, I am offended by what you said about mental health professions being in this situation, as this is not a reflection of who *I* am. It is a reflection of who my husband is. By the way, he is an Engineer. He is the one who controls and monitors a nuclear power plant and he is the one who is abusive. I would be more concerned about his potential for destruction and the impact this could have. The fact that I am a clinical therapist does not mean that someone is at risk if they seek help from me. In fact, I feel that it makes me more diligent in wanting to help them. You made a reference to a psychiatrist being abusive, but I am not abusive – the referred psychiatrist is! By implying that “a counselor might be in an unhealthy abusive situation or might have a serious untreated addition or anything” is another way of judging the abused as being sick or needing help for THEIR problem, rather then putting the blame where it needs to be. Your judgment is just another source of “secondary wounding” that I just don’t need. I think it is very unfortunate that you had an experience with a DV counselor that you didn’t agree with, but this does not, in any way, support your argument that she is dangerous.

You did go on to give me some good advise, however, when I said "west coast USA" I really meant Alaska (which is colder then any place I've been in Canada *L*). I am a Canadian citizen with a USA education. I have lots of options and I'm looking at all of them. The fact that I am pregnant (20 weeks) complicates some of the places I may want to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 6:50pm

Rayny, I would like to clear something up here, from MY point of view. I am an RN. I have a BSN in

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