Who are we?
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| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am |
I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:
...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...
This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.
What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."
I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!
It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?
I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

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Toady, no one is attacking you... chill out, girl! ;)
In defense of the police, when you say you don't trust them because they "mimic" women who say, "...but I loooove him"...
They hear that excuse all the time from women who call the police for help and then don't leave. Or even just from anyone They hear it all the time from women who put up with crap and don't do anything about it. They get sick of trying to help women who won't help themselves. I don't blame them. They also get sick of shootings, car wrecks, murder, drug overdoses, child abuse, and a whole slew of other things.
Why do you stay?
Because I loooove him.
As for your situation toady, when you decide you want to get out of what you think is a bad situation there won't be anything that can stop you.
You will eventually run out of reasons why you can't.
Edited 6/6/2005 7:28 pm ET ET by elysium2001
Toady, Please see my post to Rayny - re my profession & how i feel about why, even though those of us who KNOW better, cant DO better in our own situations ... well, we CAN ... it just has to be the right time, & i KNOW your time is coming.
Many times as a Psyc RN i felt like SUCH a hypocrit. I would be counseling about the dangers of raising a child with an alcoholic parent (my STBX is ... the only thing i can say in defense, is that he never ever was drunk around dd, he never drank at home, he never put her in any danger after drinking - i think if he did do any of these, i wouldnt have stayed so long - was able to THINK i wasnt affecting her b/c she didnt see him drunk, but in reality, the stress she even FELT was enough to do damage).
RayNY....
It is unfortunate that you went thru a bad experience regarding the counseling and w/the therapist.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Because we're women, and full of hope, and we want to know we tried our best and put forth our all, and because we're so controlled by our abusers that we start to think we aren't trying our best and that if we kept trying, things would change and get better.
But they don't.
Things get worse.
I think it's great you have a good career. I think that when you're ready, and when you "awaken", nothing will stop you, you will find a great strength from within yourself emerge that will carry you through the process of seperation and divorce, and that you will do great living on your own and carrying to full-term the beautiful being that is growing inside you as I type this. You *can* do this. I wasn't pregnant when I got the PFA on my STBX and had him evicted from the house in September of 2004, but I had three kids under age 9 and no career with no college degrees. YOU CAN DO THIS.
My best to you and your un-born baby, and keep us updated,
~Me
I noticed something very interesting these last few months going through divorce and custody. This really made me rethink what these jerks are saying when they wonder why a woman would put up with a guy so long.
Picture AHL (envision a giant slug if it helps) standing in front of the judge and blabbering out something about how 'no, I wasn't going to kidnap my son, but I have 12 years combat arms training and nobody could stop me from taking my son if I want to .....'. The whole court room went silent and everyone just stared at him. Then the judge shrugged and warned him of the consequences if he did. It didn't go into the court records, and temporary custody was denied to me on the grounds there were no grounds. I think normal people really cannot imagine someone so hostile, so nasty to a single person, that they want to think the best. Everyone just decided he MUST have meant it some other way and it just sounded bad. He couldn't possibly have meant any harm. Gee, sounds like what a woman would say after an abusive incident.
Next situation, I am sitting in front of a counselor who I have just told all my fears, of how violent he is around both me and my son. That I am afraid of leaving him alone with my son for fear that if he had a 'bad' day that he would 'take it out' on my son. He has no control over his anger.... The counselor says 'well, perhaps we should let him have some unsupervised visitation to try and ease some of the tension he has'. HEY!!! Sounds familiar to some of us????! My reaction 'I have been living with this guy for more than a decade trying to "ease" the tension whenever he got angry! NOTHING EVER WORKS. YOU CAN'T "EASE" THEIR TENSION! Sure, you give them what they want this time and they calm down a bit, but next time it is worse and over something possibly different.
My opinion? These guys play the same abuse tactics on others, men or women, and sometimes they even work. And the men are just as likely to fall for it as the women, because they just can't understand why anyone would be so out of reach of reality, so far from the norm, as to not be able to apply normal rules of logic to them.
So I just don't buy these people who think little of women who stay. I think it is a normal human reaction under the circumstances, and doesn't know any gender boundaries. Any man or woman could fall victim once they become the focus of an abuser's tactics. And as described above, they would also try to excuse it until they see it for what it is.
Any man or woman could fall victim once they become the focus of an abuser's tactics.
- Of course.
falling victim doesn't mean STAYING the victim.
Bang. I think you nailed it, Lucky. The abuser's mind is so far from the way a normal person thinks, it has to be impossible! No one could be like that! That thought was part of what kept me trapped. As a normal, I couldn't get there. It's a strange way to think: yes, of course it happens, but surely not this time, this couple. It's never this time, this couple. It's always far away. People can't cope with this kind of horror in their neighborhood, workplace, or courtroom.
I spent the first half of my married years in grad school, studying family counseling. It helped in two ways: we went over DV a couple of times, and that gave me the clues I needed. It took years, but I caught on. The other thing... I knew I had tried everything.
Sure, some people will think I should never have gotten into that situation, shouldn't have stayed, but they're asking the wrong questions. They should be wondering why I got out. That's where my education came in. And we who know the dynamics have to re-educate others. It's not about anyone's being stupid or defective because they stay. It's about how amazing it is that some get out.
It is amazing. Why was it hard to ask for help? Because help was hard to find. Because I didn't have enough knowledge to access it. Because when I asked for help, those who should have helped didn't, couldn't, or didn't know how.
I like that question, though: who are we? That's so important. I'm a fantasy writer, mom, owner-operater of a cracked sense of humor, graduate of Dinky Unknown College in New England, and a blooming lily. ;-) That's enough to get me through.
Have the best possible day, folks.
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