Who are we?
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| Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am |
I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:
...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...
This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.
What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."
I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!
It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?
I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

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Who am I?
I control a million dollar inventory for a regional cellular carrier. I own my own construction business. I have a college degree and have shows horses successfully as well as trained them professionally. When I left I was 8 mths pregnant and it can be done. I also fired my husband from the business and completely took over all aspects on my own. Not to mention I filed for divorce the same day I signed my son's birth certificate and I went home from the hospital to start working at the biggest promotional event my business has all year.
I think you need to stop saying, well I'd get out if this or that. I bet it was your H's idea to move to that island. Wanna know why? So he can isolate you just like he did. The others are right that if there is a will there's a way. Let me also say that if you think he's bad now, just wait till later in your pregnancy. Abuser's feel entitled and think you are here to supply their ever increasing needs. You won't be able to do that with a child involved. Abusers also destroy mother/child bonds. Don't let this happen to you. Whether you have money or not, you need to keep going with trying to get out. The people who look the other way are cowards and they know it. It's easy for others to say they don't want to get involved, and if something horrible would happen then they feel guilty about it then as they could have done something and didn't.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. You can chose to stay or chose to pick yourself and your child up and better your situation.
Just my 2 cents worth.
I'm so sorry that the people you thought you could reach out to weren't helpful - it sounds to me as though your co-worker was afraid to help. But that doesn't mean that there is no help available to you. Have you tried calling a domestic abuse hotline for your province and explaining your situation to them? Maybe you can't go to a shelter in your city, but is it possible that you could go to a shelter in a neighbouring city? Even if they can't help you get out of the situation (by providing a shelter), just talking to the hotline and being able to tell a non-judgemental person about your problem may help take some of the weight off of your shoulders, and they might be able to help you form a plan to leave.
-sang
This topic certianly has generated a lot of different responses!
There have been many good points made. I wanted to copy the first post I ever wrote on this board under "I hate my husband" but it has been deleted!! Why would that happen? Anyway, I had mentioned on that first post that I know that I do not stay "...because I loooovvve him..." I don't feel any love for him at all. I am disgusted in his behaviour and I hate who I have become just being with him. I also stated on that post that I intend to leave him at the end of the month. I have an apartment to move into, but it is being built and will not be ready until the 1st of July. I have been married for one year and one week, and I KNOW that I have to get out. I am making those plans to leave and honestly, the next three weeks can not go fast enough. I know that there will be other incidents that I will have to live through before I get out in one piece. All of this was in that first post...somewhere *sigh*
It is interesting that someone brought up the "normal" debate, because the other day, I asked my husband "do you think that you are normal??" and he did not hesitate - he said, "NO!" Then he turned around and asked me the same question and I did not hesitate -I said, "YES!" My response really bothered him. I refuse to be categorized in the same mould as him. Yesterday, I was on my way to work and he called me on my cell phone. He said, "WE really have to get this together....WE really need to stop this....WE really need to start treating EACH OTHER better." I'm telling you, it took every thing I had not to drive into the car in front of me, I was so mad. I didn't say anything, other then "I have to get to work. bye" I was enraged when he said that to me! What is with this WE stuff?? I am not going to take responsibility for HIS decision to behave in an abusive manner! This is not a shared responsibility!!! This is HIS problem. I am not going to take part ownership and saying WE just minimizes his responsibility.
It is going to be hard for me to start out on my own, but I know it will only be for a little while. I have lived on my own before, but that was in the United States, where I made more then twice the amount that I do now. In Canada, we get one year maternity with a 70% pay. It will be wonderful to have the year with the baby, but the cut in pay is going to hurt. My husband told me that he would retire before he would pay child support, so basically, I'm not even going to ask him for any thing. I'm just hoping he will fade out of the picture.
As for living on the island. He bought the house there 18 years ago when he was 23, so he has lived there a long time before I ever came along. Althought it is very beautiful, it isn't a place I would have chosen, if he didn't already live there.
I also wanted to comment that I stand by my original post regarding taking offense of Rayny's comment re: mental health professionals and her judgement about who we are and who we definitely are not! Rayny was attacking a whole profession and not just me, and I do think that it is unjustifiable.
I agree with you, rayny.
I wouldn't want someone who has never gone skydiving telling me how I should jump out of a plane.
If someone is living a lifestyle that is contrary to the advice being given, that advice loses credence.
Do as I say, not as I do doesn't cut it when it comes to professions in a helping capacity.
It's kinda like my 5th grade teacher telling us kids about the dangers of smoking when he had a pack of marlboro's in his shirt pocket - hehe.
I wanted to say that I applaud your efforts at trying to get out as fast as you can.
CL-Blueliner4
Thank you blueliner! That is very nice and I appreciate and value your support. It means a lot to me.
Tarrin
I'm so glad to hear that you do have a plan to leave, and it sounds like things will work out for you when you do. I know right now every second probably feels like it's too long, so I hope the weeks will pass quickly for you. Just try to keep your head down and avoid any big blowouts until you're out. I know it must be so frustrating to listen to your husband say this is your problem instead of his problem, but if you're planning to leave without giving him notice (which I think is a good idea), try not to tip him off with an obvious attitude change on your part, because he sounds very volatile to me.
It won't be easy to start again on your own, but you will feel great satisfaction that everything you accomplish is your own. I don't know if it would be an option for you, but I think while you're collecting the maternity leave you are allowed to do a little work up to a certain dollar value... if you don't have anyone to watch the baby it might not be an option, but if you do it might be a way to supplement your income a little. (I also live in East. Can., and seem to remember reading something about that when I was looking up EI info a while ago).
I don't know whether you want to pursue it, but I don't think your husband can get out of child support by retiring. He may have to pay less, but he'd still want to pay something. Now perhaps he won't pursue visitation if you don't pursue child support, in which case that might be a worthwhile tradeoff for you. But you still might want to consult a lawyer about it.
-sang
I know that it is hard to leave. I also know that it is hard to be a professional and be in the situation in the first place. Everyday I see some of the police officers who were involved in the investigation of my XH's violaent abuse of me. It is hard to know that some of them may think less of me for staying for so long. But reporting him and prosecuting him was the right things to do, even if it took a long time for me to have the courage to do it. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I'm pround of myself for having made it through the whole ordeal.
Like I told the judge at XH's sentencing: "For too long, I didn’t do anything. I had hope that he would change. He didn’t change, he got worse. And I let him get away with more. But getting away with it is no excuse to keep doing it. We are not here because of what I did or didn't do, we are here because of what he did." What he chooses to do is not your fault. That you stayed with him for a long as you did is no reason for him to do what he does. His problem is not your fault. You are totally right to not take responsibilty for his actions.
Your plan sounds wonderful, your resolve is strong. I know July 1 can't come fast enough. Watch your own saftey diring this time. I don't know the statistics (I'm sure that someone here does, and you probably know them yourself) but I know that many women are harmed when they leave or when they are trying/planning to leave. I pray that you and your baby stay safe during this time. Stay strong.
LAF
"I also wanted to comment that I stand by my original post regarding taking offense of Rayny's comment re: mental health professionals and her judgement about who we are and who we definitely are not! Rayny was attacking a whole profession and not just me, and I do think that it is unjustifiable."
I've just been catching up on the boards and I agree. Sure, not all the colleagues I've ever had have been great. But I do feel that this is yet another person who does not see mental health professionals as human beings.
I am a human being. I made a bad choice marrying my ex. I eventually recognised it and dealt with it. I know my experiences have made me a better nurse. I am far more understanding towards people because of them. If I were to need MH services myself I would want to be looked after by someone who understood my experiences.
I went through all the feelings of humiliation and embarrassment before I threw my ex out. Not least because of my profession, and thinking I should have been able to deal with it a lot sooner. The last thing I would have needed would have been a post like that. Just because someone is a nurse does not mean they do not need help and support on occasion.
Still, the most important thing is that I, my colleagues, and most importantly my patients know that I am good at my job. If someone wants to judge me, that's their loss.
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