Who are we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Who are we?
53
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am

I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:

...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...

This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.

What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."

I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!

It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?

I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:31pm

I live in Britain. I have not taken a counselling course but I know a few people who have. To become a counsellor, you have to first undergo counselling yourself. This ensures you are fit to work with other people's issues and are able to avoid bringing your own into a session. This seems like a very good idea to me.

As far as hypocrisy goes, there's been a debate over here in nursing journals about whether nurses should be forced to eat healthily, exercise and give up smoking. On paper, it seems simple. However when you're working a 13 hour shift, are lucky to get a break and the only food available during that 13 hours is junk out of a machine, it isn't simple to eat healthily. When you're guilted into doing overtime (or need to, as I do at the moment), it isn't easy to exercise, and so on. Bottom line is that we are people, not robots. I don't necessarily think that if someone is in an abusive relationship it would make them a bad counsellor. As I've already said, I was advising others when I was in a foul relationship. It took me several years to recognise it. When I did, I fought through the shame and humiliation to get out.

That said, what happened to you sucked and that person should not be practising. Unfortunately, not every professional is in the job for the right reasons. I say that out of personal experience.

What bothered me about your original post was the effect it may well have on people who are in the place I was in a few years ago. It's difficult enough to seek support.

Edited to correct spelling mistake.




Edited 6/8/2005 3:32 pm ET ET by rowthehippy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:57pm
I disagree with nurses having to eat healty or not smoke or exercise as a requirement of a job, but if your job is 100% counseling people on healthy eating and exercise and you were not doing it in your personal life, I would not want you to be the person to give me advice. I am not saying people are robots, I am not saying you have to be perfect to be any kind of professional, I am saying that if you are a counselor, and your whole job is advising people about their relationships, and you are in an abusive relationship, in my opinion, I don't think you are a help to any one. I would not want such a person as my counselor.Again, 100% of your job, not a nurse who may make domestic violence referrals once in a while, but a counselor whose whole entire job is counseling people about relationships, that is the difference to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 8:22pm

I respectfully disagree. I did a practicum at a dv shelter while abuser #1 still had a hold on me and before I met abuser #2. While married to #2 I went through grad school and internships wherein I was a therapist. I don't swallow the idea that there was "no integrity" in the work I did. Did my relationships take something out of my work? Sure, but they didn't take everything. It's the therapist's relationship with the client that matters most.

Whom you choose to see is your choice. Make that choice. Some people won't see a family therapist who's had a divorce. I don't go to male ob/gyn's. Whatever matters to you is what's important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:40am

Hello Ladies -


I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you all that it's very important that this is a

iVillage

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:57pm

I just wanted to say, I am the paralegal that cl_blueliner4 mentioned in her other thread. I was in an abusive relationship for six years, married to the guy for three. I got out after a *lot* of inner struggling and soul-searching.

As a paralegal, I do a lot of family law, mainly in the areas of divorce, custody and child support. Although I do not have any children, I *can* identify with the clients who come to our firm for a divorce, because I have been there. As a DV *survivor* (NOT victim -- I HATE that word!), I feel that I can better serve my clients because I *know* where they're coming from. If anything, I think the whole DV situation in my personal life has helped me in my professional life. I am now more able to identify with my clients and therefore more able to meet their individual needs.

If I were the average person seeking a divorce, I would be MORE likely to come to a lawyer/paralegal who has been through a divorce. (Incidentally, my supervising attorney is divorced also.) I would feel that a divorced legal professional could more easily understand my needs and priorities in my own divorce. So, if going through this kind of hell can help someone in the legal field to better serve their clients, I would imagine the same would be true for other professions as well.

Just my two cents! :o)

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 4:30pm
Hi Toady,
Just wanted to throw a practical tip your way. You said you are paying off hefty student loans. As a fellow loan payer (ol' Sallie Mae bleeds me regular each month), just wanted to let you know there are ways to defer your debt if you're in a crisis situation. You can arrange smaller monthly payments, or just pay the interest, etc. They're more flexible than you might think. There's also debt consolidation. Contact the company that manages your loan.
Hope that helps, and the best of luck to you and the baby,
--Fran
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 11:41pm
I agree, I would also wish to receive assistance from someone who is a 'survivor' rather than someone who has no clue. I have spoke with counselors who have no clue and I can tell you it is quite frustrating. They just don't get it. They keep thinking I should use the normal way of approaching things, as if it was just a family dispute. I have then spoke with counselors who do have a clue. And within seconds they understand what I am saying. If I am lost in the jungle, I would prefer the help of an experienced jungle guide rather than some book trained fellow who has only experience giving leisure tours. Without wishing to diminish what some of us have gone through, I guess we can consider our experience as 'training'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:51am

Im glad you have plans to get out.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:54am
You know, this reminds me ...

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:18am
But is there a difference to you between a survivor and some one in an ongoing abusive relationship-or would it be perfectly ok to seek counseling from some one in an ongoing abusive relationship who has no current plans to leave?