Who are we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Who are we?
53
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am

I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:

...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...

This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.

What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."

I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!

It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?

I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 12:33pm

Just my two cents... For some period of time, everyone one who is a survivor of an abusive relationship was in that abusive relationship.

There has to be a point when a "bad" relationship becomes an "abusive" relationship. Was my relationship abusive when XH would get upset and want to control where I went and with whom or get insanely mad when I had to study and asked him to watch the baby? Sure it was in reality; however, to me at that point, the relationship was just bad and (so I thought) salvagable.

I think that if this is a concern for you, I would suggest asking your therapist up front if she/he is in an abusive relationship. Or asking them about the nature of their relationship and explain your concerns to him/her.

Just my two cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 12:52pm

Rayny, I don't know if you've noticed, but Toady has stated that she is in the planning stages of leaving,

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:46pm
No I don't want some one to stop working or lose their livelihood. I don't know what the answer is, I guess I am bothered that maybe some one would turn to a counselor for help and I just don't see how that is possible if the counselor is in an ongoing abusive relationship with no plans to get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:32pm

How do you know the counselor doesn't want to get out of her abusive relationship?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:41pm

Hi Rayny,

I respect your opinion and am not trying to get in to a debate with you. Everyone has a right to choose a counselor that they think they can be successful with.

I just want to say that part of the training a therapist goes through does involve counseling to get through their own issues as another poster stated. A very large part of a licensed therapist's on-going training is to staff situations with other therapists. This is to keep the boundaries clear, keep the personal out of it. An ethical, good therapist would not EVER tell a client their own personal stuff. Little bits and pieces are okay. Overall, it is wrong and unethical. A person does not pay $50-$150 an hour to hear about their counselor's troubles.

I am not a therapist, but quiet frankly, my personal life is no business of any family I work with. I am a social worker. I might choose to tell someone of my past if I think it will help them know that leaving an abusive situation is hard, but I have had a positive experience. While I was working with families and in my abusive situation, I had to be professional, I had to keep my personal life out of my job, regardless of my problems. I had a very supportive boss and co-workers and was able to pull it off. Yes, no doubt it was conflicting and hard for me. But that was my own personal struggle and not of any concern to families I worked with. And, I wouldn't be helpful to them if my personal stuff came in to my work. That's why I had supervision to help me with the part that is hard for me. That's not just dv, that's child abuse, seeing children treated horribly and not being able to do anything about it9except report it), wanting to tell off parents and obviously not doing it because I am a professional, etc...

If a parent were to ask me personal questions, I might ask them why it would be important for them to know that and discuss what their concern is without talking about my own personal life or experience. If the concerns continued or that person just couldn't get past me not talking about my personal life, I might suggest they find someone else to work with. One other thing, a client wanting to talk about me and not them, tells me that they would rather not focus on themselves and talk about me or other people in an effort to avoid their own troubles.

Again, I hope this doesn't come across as rude or an attempt to debate, it is just my own opinion on this interesting topic.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:53pm

Liz!!!!

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:05pm
I agree that a counselor should not have to talk about their personal life at work. It is inappropriate. I am just looking at the bigger picture, if a counselor generally has an unstable unhealthy chaotic life, I don't think they will be an effective counselor. Even if they keep personal seperate from professional. If they can't apply it to their own lives, I don't think they will be effective at having their clients apply it to their lives. Not that anybody would have any way to know about their counselor's private life, but I am just generally speaking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:05pm

Ray,....


I am going to go out on a whim here and asume the bad experience you had w/the counselor entailed what you are talking about????

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:15pm
The counseling was for my daughter. That was her group counseling. She has one other counselor. I am not seeking out any further counseling. Period. Unless I see serious serious behaviour issues. Her counselor is past retirement age now, if she retires or if I move which I will do in about 3 years, that's it for counseling for me and my kids. I know a counselor cannot discuss their personal life, it just really bothers me on some deep level that a person may seek out counseling and end up with a counselor that has more severe serious unresolved issues than their clients. That situation just seems so wrong to me and so unfair to the person placing their trust in that person to get help. Irregardless of who knows and who doesn't know, that situation happening just bothers me deeply. I am truly disturbed by this. It doesn't seem that controversial to me that a counselor should be a stable mentally healthy person with a stable life or actively working to get one. A counselor that is mentally unhealthy or has severe serious unresolved issues is just not going to be an effective counselor overall.Why is that so controversial and offensive to say that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:21pm
I just thought of this, like on another board, somebody said their boyfriend who was a phychiatrist was abusive. I know abusers have all professions, but how can that possibly be ok for some one to go to a psychiatrist or a counselor or therapist and place their trust in them and share themselves with them and that person is abusive toward their partner?