Who are we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Who are we?
53
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:58am

I was reading cl-blueliner's post to marriedin2004 and she wrote:

...even the most independent, successful, intelligent people can fall prey to them. Myself, Wishful and our sister CLs on the board upstairs, Tracytrebilcox and Cajunharmony, we all have college degrees. We have several nurses, a paralegal, a student, a med student, other working professionals, they're all here. We are all strong, successful people and these abusers saw that...

This really hit home for me, because when I started posting on this board, I realized I feel ashamed that I am in this situation with my H, yet I am a clinical therapist. I have four university degrees, I worked hard to get where I am, yet one man can come along and hurt me more then I've ever been hurt before. It has caused me to question every thing about my profession and what my role is in other people's lives. I feel like a hypocrite!! I work for the government in the child protection unit!!! I do parental capacity assessments and psychological assessments, and then I act as an "expert witness" in the court room! I am strong, independent, successful and intelligent, just like cl-blueliner says a lot of us are! Yet here I am. Here WE are.

What makes it even more difficult??? I can never go to the women's shelter in this city. I have clients there and it would be unethical and a conflict of interest for ME to be there. I could never call the police during one of my H's tirades where he breaks every thing, because the police respect me for what I do. I don't want to see the shock in their eyes if they came to MY house. I can't talk to my friends or coworkers about my situation because I'm supposed to have it together or "know better."

I can never be human. I can never be real. Except on a message board with a bunch of strangers. Even then, I feel ashamed to say what I do for a living!

It makes me wonder about all the other professional women out there. Where do they go? Just because they are strong and successful, does not mean that they are less likely to find themselves in this situation. I know for a fact they are not going to the women's shelter! Where are they going?

I know this is going to be hard, but who are we? What do we do? Where do we live? Who do we talk to? Most of all - why is it so hard for us to say "I need help?"

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:36pm

Why is that so controversial and offensive to say that?


Huh?

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:53pm

It is not controvertial or offensive to put it in that way.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: toady_booboo
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 7:08am

blueliner:

I think you have said it well and I believe there should be nothing more to say on this topic.

I think rayny is being unfair and has caused a lot of hurt and anger. This is not the board to feel more hurt and anger. It has also caused me to wonder if this is a safe place to post, as I will never know when my comments about my CURRENT situation are being judged and misconstrued, due to my admission that I am a clinical therapist.

rayny:

Our profession has a very strict Code of Ethics and it would be highly unethical to disclose to anyone that I am in an abusive relationship. Bottom line, I believe this makes me a better therapist and quite likely, it is because I am a therapist that I am able to get out of this situation faster then many other people that I know. Consider the possibility that "I know better" meaning I know more...about the cycle of violence, about the limited potential for change in an abuser, and the effects of abuse/violence on children. Then consider that I act on this knowledge, by getting out of the relationship within 14 months of marriage and 20 weeks pregnant. How much more effective could I be as a role model for women in the same situations? Here is something else that you don't know about me - I have three older children, 24, 22, and 20. I had them when I was 16, 18 and 20. I am now 40 years old and pregnant. After years of struggling, I now assess people on their ability to parent. Does the fact that I had children as a teenager make me less qualified?? Or does it give me the ability to see things about parenting that some other elitist profession can't see?? There are statistics out there that would support that MOST teenage mothers don't finish highschool, don't entertain post-secondary, work at low wage jobs, live in poverty and produce low functioning children. Yet, I am not part of that statistic and I recognize that there are a lot of young women (and men) who are fabulous parents, regardless of age. I have met people in their 30's and given them poor assessments!! Anyways, my point is...if I had not been a teenage mother, I'm not sure if I could have recognized the potential of other young mothers. Instead, I might have relied on some numbers or some reports to support my "findings." Being a young single mom has made me a better therapist! Being in this CURRENT situation is making me a better therapist.

In the meantime....and as Ilanya Vanzant said "there is always a 'meantime' place", I feel very uncomfortable writing on this board because of your comments. I came here for support and honesty...and received it from many caring people. It is amazing to me, that one person can change all that. I don't know your situation and I don't want to make any speculations about it. I wish you could have done the same for me.

Pages