who do we become now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
who do we become now?
3
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:11am
ive been struggling as you know, just as so many of us have on this board coming out of an abusive relationship where we lost our spirit and so much more.

My question is this and it will probably be opinion based answers, but I am interested in hearing all of yours.

"Do we fight and struggle so hard to go back to become who we once were???? or do we become someone new as we strengthen and grow?????

I have been struggling and struggling in search of who i am? So many years, I cooked, sewed, went to kids games, school functions, etc. Now my children are grown. They work now for the most part even Dustin is up to 30 hours a week now (he is doing better right now).

But back to my question: I am wondering if it is possible that the reason I am struggling so badly is that I am trying to become who I once was before, and that person does not exist any longer. There is no NEED for that person any longer. As a matter of fact, as a mother raising children, and as a wife walking on eggshells for 18 years, WHO WAS THAT PERSON? Was it a person, or was it a ROBOT???

Who do we become when we have found ourselves??? Someone new inside of us that we never knew or imagined could even exist??


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 10:18am
Good question!! You change. There's no doubt about that. You don't become who you were. Because that wasn't you. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. It's been six months and I'm still searching for myself. For me I started doing a lot of yoga and meditation. Trying to find inner peace was my goal. My kids are younger so I really can't relate to what your saying about your children. But, now you have the freedom to do things you want to do. Pick up a new hobby. Hey, you could pick up a few new hobbies. Do something you used to enjoy doing. You may not find it interesting anymore but there's a possiblity you might.

It's a great opportunity to explore your mind and your inner self. A time to relax and realize you live for you and no one else. I hope this is making sense. I'm telling myself these things as I'm telling you. Because it seems as though we are in the same place. Trying to figure out who we are b/c for so long they make us. They choose who we are and who they want us to be. Hope I didnt' confuse you in anyway.

Hope you find peace within.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:13pm
zen, you still insist on allowing him to get into your life and your head. You cannot become a new and better person if you keep letting him contact you and see you. He is not going to change, you know this! You are not keeping him at a distance and therefore you will keep forcing yourself to ride his merri-go-round of abuse.

Who do we become, the same old miserable person if we do not cut loose the abuser and his ways.

The outcome will not be different simply by doing the same things wrong time and again, it will only change when you decide to stop looking for him to change and you change the person you are within. Don't expect new outcomes from old habits, all that does is set yourself up for more disappointment, confusion and frustration.

No contact, none, nadda, he's out the door, leave him there!

You will become the person that you make yourself into, you will not find a new Zen if you don't let go of his abuse and heal. It takes work and dedication to heal and until you do, you will allow him access to your emotions and life. That will only keep you stuck in the past. So get the focus back onto yourself, onto what you want, not what he wants.

You want him to be a friend, well guess what, he is taking advantage of that and continuing to step all over you. He is the dead end that will take you nowhere. Change your direction, change your mindset to start pushing him farther away, not pull him closer.

You've done the hard part, you've gotten free, why do you still insist on allowing him to drag you down? To follow his path, his BS, you will only walk back into the quicksand you worked so hard to get free of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 4:54pm

In short, we become whoever we want to be.

CL-Blueliner4