Why the Abuse, What are your theories?
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Why the Abuse, What are your theories?
| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:41pm |
We all know that abuse is prevalent among our population, and I will admit that I was even a victim at some point. I always, and others consider myself a strong person, so I ask you this.
Why does it seem like abusive men go after strong women? Are we a challenge? Just to see if they can break us? What is the motivation behind someone, who wants to break another down.
Lets say, it is insecurity. Fine. Then why doesn't the person pick someone weak? That will make the person feel strong?
What is behind the build them up, and then tear them down cycle?
Just looking for insight.

Good question! And although I am new to this board, I feel I now have enough info to believe that I am being abused, so I guess I will try to respond with my thoughts, because I have wondered how I got into this situation myself since I feel I am a strong woman too. One possibility is the competition. One thing I have noticed in my relationship is that my husband and I are very competitive. We cannot even play a board game together without getting angry at one another. I am not overly competitive with other people though, it's almost like I sense his need to "beat" me and therefore I respond with competitiveness because I am not going to go down without a fight. He always has to win and cannot stand it if I win, but yet I am strong enough and smart enough to give him a challenge, and I think that carries over into our relationship. I have come to the conclusion that if I leave him, he will not be upset at losing ME, but at the fact that he did not "win". It's almost like I'm a prize or a trophy, not a person. When he was saying a few weeks ago that he was thinking of leaving, it was all peaches and cream and I was supposed to be nice about it and understand, but when I asked him to leave, he was furious!!! I think he gets off on feeling he has "conquered" me, and like you said, I'm not sure this feeling would be as strong with someone weaker.
Another possibility is that while I consider myself strong, I feel that one of my strengths is my kindness and empathy to others, and I think he knows I am like that and plays on it. He said one of the things that first attracted him to me was that I was "nice" and now it turns out maybe too nice! I think I'm strong in that I can get through anything and I don't feel like I really "need" a man, and I know I don't need HIM in particular!!!! But I have a hard time hurting other people's feelings and he knows that. He knows I find it hard to tell him to go and he just turns on the tears and suddenly becomes the man I first fell in love with. I am starting to see this for the manipulation it is, but I think my soft heart really wanted to believe he meant it until now!
I'm not sure exactly what attracts them to us, these are just some ideas based on what I've seen in my own relationship. I'm sure there must be some information on this out there on the internet somewhere - I'll have to take a look and see if I can find anything!
Thanks for the great question!
Amy
You bring up an excellent point regarding competitiveness. Even before things turned sour, I noticed that there was a one upman ship, on EVERYTHING!! Like I would make a comment, about I worked this many hours on project X, and it was combatted with a response of monkey see monkey do, ME TOO!! Or when I said, I was hiring someone from this such and such a company, it was followed by a "ME TOO, I've done that, such and such has an office by mine!"
I did not say anything, but the company he was talking about was in Canada, and had no offices near him. At the time, because the detail was so minute, I just ignored it, but I could not help but notice, how in good times, this guy had to always be my equal, or better.
Later on, the relationship did take an abusive turn, by him telling me what I could and could not do, and laying on the guilt. But I saw right through it, and just dumped him.
As for your situation, you made a comment about "I do not know how this happened" Do not blame yourself. The abuse does not happen over night. It is a very slow process, that goes unnoticed, until one day, you wake up, and you do not know who you have become, how you got this point.
Obviously, our abusers, have enoughs sense, not to show their cards all at once. So they dole it out, and you are thinking that this is a normal relationship, because after all, not all relationships are perfect. Everyone has their problems.
True. But one thing about an abusive relationship, is that your partner will somehow magically find a way to sneak negativity into anything positive in your life, claiming that they are educating you.
I have to go now. I can go on and on.
But you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you for your kind and helpful words about how it is not my fault for ending up in this situation. At the beginning I truly loved him and I blamed myself for a lot of our fights, thinking, "if only I hadn't stood up for myself" or "I just need to relax a little bit and he is going to end up hating me if I press my point too much" so I just let so much stuff go. I really believed that I had driven him to the violence he exhibited and even though he never actually hit me, I did feel like if I hadn't made him so mad, the other explosions wouldn't have occurred. I excused his behavior over and over and took the burden of maintaining the relationship and patching everything up all on my own shoulders. He has very seldom apologized to me for anything and he NEVER accepts the blame. It was a very gradual thing and when you are blinded by love, you think about what you can do to change things and make things better, not what he is doing to contribute to the problems. I really appreciate your support and understanding!
Amy
Another thing I noticed when this happens, when they try to one up you, is that they really start bringing up stuff that is totally irrelevent to anything. And of course, what they bring up, like you said, is not true, or whatever, but it really gets you off subject. I know when I am mindful of this, and just keep repeating my specific point, over and over again, they just get madder and madder. They hate that. They are banking on you getting off the subject, and then forgetting about what you are arguing about.
I wish you luck in getting out of this situation. It is an exhaustive task. But well worth it.
Since I left my exhusband, who was king at this type of behavior, I have learned from it, and moved on. Now, when I see that type of behavior, I just leave. I do not waste any time. I will try to explain, but I do not fall prey to these manipulative games.
All these games are just vehicles to which they try to break you down, so you feel powerless and insecure to leave them, that is all. Additionally when ever you see this type of behavior in a guy, you know that they are insecure in themselves, and really, not anyone you would want to be around.
I noticed my last boyfriend, he was hell bent on poking holes in things that were already perfect, trying to ruin my world, and he calls it educating me. Please.
I had a second husband, after my abusive first one, and he was just such a good husband. (unfortunately, he passed away)
Now that I am dating again, I just do not have the stomach for any controlling, manipulative, and lying behavior. And then the people do not even want to acknowledge what they've done, please. Life is too short to be hanging such insecure losers.
I am truly sorry you lost your second husband. At least he was proof that there are decent men out there, though. I just wish they weren't so hard to find!
I really admire you for seeing the abuse for what it was and having the strength to go on, and not being drawn into additional abusive relationships. I hope I am working towards that myself! I definitely want to either leave my H or get him to leave, but it is very, VERY hard to do. I am so scared of his reaction and what he might do to me or my son. Thank you for your support!
Exhaustive is not a descriptive enough word for it. But it must be done, before your life gets better.
Now that you are aware, you can make a conscious choice, not be a victim.
If I were you, to get strength, I would start by going to counceling centers, and listening to other women, who have been there done that. That is what I did. I did not actually go into a shelter, but I did go to counceling. And I can not tell you how enlightening, empowering that it was. You are going to need this power and extra push, to get you out of this situation.
It is not only physically exhaustive, but mentally. Please, do not fall prey to games that your current partner will try on you. In fact, while you are formulating an escape plan, do not even tell them what you are up to. Continue to sleep with them, etc.. and catch them off guard, so they do not ruin your plans.
There are good men out there. My second husband is proof of that. But you have to give yourself the chance to find them. It is simply impossible to do that, while your world is wrapped up with these abusive men. They need you so much, your whole life becomes entangled in what they are about.
But you do not need them. And they know this.
Good luck to you, really. Please, find some help, and get the support you deserve. A rich life is waiting for you!!
After I got through this whole ordeal with my first husband, I had more strength than I knew what to do with. I started my own company, and a not for profit, just helping woman businesses.
People ask me where my energy and strength comes from, and I hate to admit this, but really, my first husband had a hand in making me the gem I am today. Before that, I was so gullible and naive, and gave the power to everyone else.
Now, I know better. And with all the energy I used to waste on him, (like a hamster running on a treadmill) now, with that energy, I propel myself forward.
You can do it. It is going to be hard, but it is well worth it.
I really wish you the best!!!
Tammy
Amy