Why am I confused? I should be happy
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| Sat, 10-02-2004 - 11:48pm |
I had reached a point where I thought maybe I had done something wrong if he was angry with me..maybe he was right. Times I went out with friends..where was I going? When would I be home? Was there any men around? Did any one "HIT" on me? I was also becoming to close to my family...either I loved him or them. My family was controlling me in regard to him as he saw it. I was allowing them to influence me he said.
One night last May, I told him I was no longer going to WAIT for him to leave. I was going to start dating if the opportunity presented itself, he became enraged..and called me horrible names and I sat there and took it...mind you I am a 40 yr old woman...div and single with a teenage son..he was 54, married 30 yrs..many empty words and promises to me. After I seethed with anger seating there..and he said nothing no apology, making me feel like dirt with his silence. I decided to leave. I got in my car, he attempted to kiss my cheek i told him go F**K Off and as I drove away..i had enough of his jealousy and I called his wife and told her everything. I was so angry.
There where times when he was the sweetest man, took care of me when I was hospitalised last yr..its like he was 2 diff men.
My question is, putting the affair aside, why do I miss this man? and still love him very much? I know I should be glad he is out of my life. I am hurt and confused.
Hope

It's mostly the conditioning, the confusion of feelings, them getting us to question our own instincts and emotions. Abusers will usually wait until we do fall in love with them as this is when we become vunerable and we've become complacent and comfortable with the relationship. Then when they start the abuse we keep looking at who we met, not who we are presently with. We hear harsh words coming from this person who not long ago could only sing praises of how dear we are, how in love with us they are, but sadly those are all lies.
This is why learning the dynamics of abuse, venting and asking here, reading books, working with abuse counselors, the continual journey of healing which we have to keep straight and true. And we look with analyzing minds at ourselves in the mirror and if we don't get the facts and work the knowledge, we sometimes start to think it may have been us, not them who misread everything. But again, it is not us, it is not our nature to have been so totally misled into an abusive relationship. Don't blame yourself for not seeing what none of us could have seen.
So the man you miss doesn't really exsist, he was someone playing to your emotions and needs in a way to draw you in. The true man is the one who was abusing you, probably others and his wife and family. They are masters of deception and see nothing wrong in their ways. Most here still have memories of the "good" side of our abusers, it's human nature. But they start the abuse from day one, it's just they put such a spin on who they truely are, we never see it until it's already happened.
Hugs to you and keep the focus on you, not him. Keep your healing path true to you and your future happiness.
Hope