Why am I confused? I should be happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why am I confused? I should be happy
3
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 11:48pm
Hi all. I posted on this board a few months ago. I was involved in a strange relationship with a Married Man. for 2 yrs..Thru this board I realized he was a controlling verbally abusive man. He was very jealous..if you can believe that from a married man..as if he had a right. There where times he thought I walked to close to another man, if another man talked to me...I would be subject to a million questions..WHOis he? How did I know him? I must know him, if he talked to me? Did I flirt with him to make him talk with me?

I had reached a point where I thought maybe I had done something wrong if he was angry with me..maybe he was right. Times I went out with friends..where was I going? When would I be home? Was there any men around? Did any one "HIT" on me? I was also becoming to close to my family...either I loved him or them. My family was controlling me in regard to him as he saw it. I was allowing them to influence me he said.

One night last May, I told him I was no longer going to WAIT for him to leave. I was going to start dating if the opportunity presented itself, he became enraged..and called me horrible names and I sat there and took it...mind you I am a 40 yr old woman...div and single with a teenage son..he was 54, married 30 yrs..many empty words and promises to me. After I seethed with anger seating there..and he said nothing no apology, making me feel like dirt with his silence. I decided to leave. I got in my car, he attempted to kiss my cheek i told him go F**K Off and as I drove away..i had enough of his jealousy and I called his wife and told her everything. I was so angry.

There where times when he was the sweetest man, took care of me when I was hospitalised last yr..its like he was 2 diff men.

My question is, putting the affair aside, why do I miss this man? and still love him very much? I know I should be glad he is out of my life. I am hurt and confused.

Hope

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 8:59am
Hugs Hope! It is very common for all of us to feel that way, after all abusers do not always treat us bad or we would have left along time ago.

It's mostly the conditioning, the confusion of feelings, them getting us to question our own instincts and emotions. Abusers will usually wait until we do fall in love with them as this is when we become vunerable and we've become complacent and comfortable with the relationship. Then when they start the abuse we keep looking at who we met, not who we are presently with. We hear harsh words coming from this person who not long ago could only sing praises of how dear we are, how in love with us they are, but sadly those are all lies.

This is why learning the dynamics of abuse, venting and asking here, reading books, working with abuse counselors, the continual journey of healing which we have to keep straight and true. And we look with analyzing minds at ourselves in the mirror and if we don't get the facts and work the knowledge, we sometimes start to think it may have been us, not them who misread everything. But again, it is not us, it is not our nature to have been so totally misled into an abusive relationship. Don't blame yourself for not seeing what none of us could have seen.

So the man you miss doesn't really exsist, he was someone playing to your emotions and needs in a way to draw you in. The true man is the one who was abusing you, probably others and his wife and family. They are masters of deception and see nothing wrong in their ways. Most here still have memories of the "good" side of our abusers, it's human nature. But they start the abuse from day one, it's just they put such a spin on who they truely are, we never see it until it's already happened.

Hugs to you and keep the focus on you, not him. Keep your healing path true to you and your future happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:03am
Hi Hope. I wish I could give you the answers you need. I am dealing with a similar situation. I have been with a married man for almost 2 years myself. He was always jealous to begin with but as time went by he became more and more controlling. He would tell me who I could associate with, where I could go and when I could go and etc. He was always angry at me to the point I felt I couldn't do anything right. I myself am still trying to end the relationship because he doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer. I really don't know what the point of this post is, I guess just to let you know that I know what you are going through. People here have been so nice and helpful and I wanted to return some of the kindness. -Kristin-
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:34am
What right do they being jealous? I think its because they are liars they assume everyone is.

Hope