Why am I so stupid??
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Why am I so stupid??
| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:07am |
I know what happened to me. I know it was abuse. More emotional than anything. But when I took the abuse quiz, I scored a 28-- a score of 11 or higher meant that abuse was highly likely. He has done so much to me. His family called CPS on me and made up false allegations. He wasn't there when I had his son in July. He was on drugs the ENTIRE time I was pregnant and put me through so much hell that I checked into the "psych ward" because I was literally going crazy trying to hold it together. It sure didn't help with the pregnancy hormones. He NEVER helped with bills and broke a lot of my precious things. Things that actually meant a LOT to me. He cursed at me, called me names, left me alone all night and would come home the next day. He has never punched me in the face, but he has jerked me up by my hair and punched me in the arms, squeezed my face and choked me out. He has me believing I deserve all of this because I am so "mean". It is true, I have cut down his family, I have cut him down, I have called him a jerk and several times put him in his place. I just got so tired of always being there and always helping and him being so incredibly cruel to me. He just did NOT care about my feelings. I honestly believe he does think that it is my fault. He is even living with the sister that called CPS on me. How can he do that? How can he even talk to her? They even go out drinking together but he says they do not have a good relationship since this incident. Sorry, but if our son wouldve been taken away because she made up stuff, he could have been molested, beaten, neglected-- there are people in foster care that enjoy doing that stuff. All because she was mad at me for kicking her brother out. But what I don't understand is if he was so abusive and possessive (like he was when we were together)-- why is he acting like he doesn't care that we aren't together. Shouldn't he be stalking me or calling me all the time? He hardly ever calls, never to check on his son. he has not given me a PENNY for child support in 10 weeks. IT has been tough, as I have to pay for everything, no govt support, and I don't make a lot of money. I can't get 2 jobs because I also am in college full time. So I have texted him FOOLISHLY because I am so depressed and told him I loved him and missed him. I don't know if I really do, but I am SO LONELY and so depressed from struggling so much. yesterday was Easter and I went to church and brunch with a friend-- who is also a single mom. Dh does not like me having any friends, and when we were together I didn't have any. Luckily this girl still wanted to be my friend. Anyway, we were at the grocery store yesterday after church picking up a few items for brunch. Well, I get my son in the buggy and turn around and there is DH's mom right in front of me. I was SHOCKED and didn't know what to say. I hate her but I smiled and said Hi and asked her how she was. She says fine thank you and walks out of the store. She has not seen my son (her grandson) in over 3 months and looked at him and walked out. He is only 8.5 months old and for that I am grateful. Had he been older his feelings probably would have been hurt by her ignoring him like that. I said this is your grandson and I kept walking. My hands were shaking. How could she be so mean???? Then later around 5 pm the depression sunk in BAD. I was home alone, my son was playing and I got to thinking about DH. Mainly thinking about him making another female happy and sleeping with her. It got to me so bad that I texted him and like a dummy told him I loved him. He sends me back a text that he loves me too but he heard that I was hanging out with my buddy and that I mustve thought he didn't want to see his son on Easter. That hurt me so bad. He didn't want to see his son. He didn't call any to see him earlier and he sends me this crap. I KNOW in my heart that he used me going out with this girl as his excuse to make me feel like it was MY FAULT he didn't see his son-- but at the time I took the blame for it, like I always do. I shouldn't even have to justify it, this is 5 pm. He didn't make any attempt to see him. Plus, his mom claims to be a christian woman who doesn't start drama and likes to stay out of people's business yet she did not even acknowledge her grandson and went home and told DH immediately that I was seen with so and so. Why can't I just let him go? HE Is killing me with all of this and yet foolishly I am still trying to get his love. Why? What is wrong with me that I feel like I did all of this and it is my fault he doesn't treat me right. I just want to cry. He has been gone 2 months, that is 2 months with no drama-- and yet I still miss him. When does it stop?
Edited 4/17/2006 10:20 am ET by sondra82
Edited 4/17/2006 10:20 am ET by sondra82

Sweetie you aren't stupid, you're just having a tough time making it right now and are looking for support!
Now is the time to spend more time with your family, make new friends, and do things you haven't done in a long time. Do things to remind you of who you are, and why you are too strong to go back to him and his drama filled nonesense life.
It has only been two months and you need some support. Have you tried phoning a woman's shelter and asking for names of support groups they know of? You really need to express the way you are feeling to someone instead of holding it in and not getting any support from anyone.
You are just lonely Sondra, and you need to move forward. You aren't getting child support? I would be talking to someone in legal aid about that...legally he is entitled to be paying for your child whether or not he wants to see him.
You will be ok, just keep posting!
Regarding your question: Is is common though for abusers to act like they don't care about you after they leave?
Absolutely. If they leave you, you are normally dropped like a hot rock. It's very common unfortunately. Their feelings are sadly very shallow, which is why they jump from woman to woman abusing each of them. They chase women who leave them because it's a blow to the ego and also they aren't 'done with you yet.'
My abusive ex broke up with me once and I begged him back and he wanted nothing to do with me. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't see me, and told everyone I was crazy. Suddenly I sort of 'woke up' and said forget it. So I went on one date with another man and he found out and wouldn't stop phoning, emailing and following me everywhere begging for another chance. So I gave him one and what a mistake that was. They don't change. They don't love. They really don't. Within 2 weeks he had dragged me down MUCH lower than before and it took me another 4 years to escape with barely my sanity and I'm only 25.
This last time I broke it off. He chased me, followed me, turned my family against me, really lowered the extent of his abuse and accused me of overreacting. I wouldn't have anything to do with him and within a few months he had given up and was already grooming other victims.
These guys are con artists. They know how to get under your skin, they know how to really hurt you and take you down. They know how to act so that people believe the problem isn't them, and they know what to do to kill you inside when they have you where they want you.
I want you to read something: www.drjoecarver.com go to 'articles' then read "Identifying Losers in Relationships." It is a long read, but it will really ease your mind and make you feel like you are not alone darling.
Trust me, there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are a beautiful, capable and intelligent woman. What is wrong is with him, and there is nothing you could do/not do, say or not say that would ever make him be non abusive. I guarantee it.
Keep posting darling. I'm here for you :)
Haven't heard from you in a while. Before, you said to e-mail you. You need to enable the e-mail features under board settings.
I also like the article from Dr. Joe Carver. It is one of the best at identifying "losers".
Hang in there. I feel the same as you do. I dumped my BF and then called him and saw him twice. He needs time to think now. Now I am worried that he doesn't love me any more. I always seem to see the goodness in him and forget or excuse the bad things. It still hurts alot and I am so lonely too. E-mail me and we can keep in touch that way too.
Strong
strong
Edited 4/18/2006 12:15 pm ET by strong2006