Why can't I get and stay away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Why can't I get and stay away?
15
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 12:14am

Wow, if this is the kind of advice you give here, I am not going to ask for any more.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 12:20am
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 12:38am

I think you know that as long as you take financial support from him, you will never get away from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 3:07am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 4:04am
This would be great advice for women in Domestic Violence situations if the goal was for them to be killed or gravely harmed. Wow, are you serious?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 12:59pm

I am not familiar with Fissatore, therefore he/she may be a lurker who just popped in and really has no clue what DV is about. I agree the advice is not the best for someone in a DA situation, for "normal" situations yes that was good advice but when you are living with someone who is mentally imbalanced that is advice that would get someone killed for sure.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 2:06pm
Freedom, I"m cl on this board, and you've edited your post so that I have NO idea what it said. Please do not think that Fissatore is a regular poster on this board, giving the advice that the regular members of this board give to each other. That response is harsh and obviously not written by someone who has ever had to deal with DV. Please repost so that the regular members here can try and help you with their experience, strength and hope. That response is, by NO means, representative of the loving and caring members of this board. My best to you.

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 4:53pm

I dont know your story.,.but a lot of us are in same boat..we want to leave but we can't. the other poster may seem harsh and I have been told some of those harsh things myself..but only people like us who have been in this situation can empathize how hard it is..make yourself stronger, we need to build our self esteem, be independent, abusers do a good job isolating us so we feel dependent on them, if we have kids involved, it makes it 100 times tough..keep educating yourself by reading, counseling and when you have the strength, you will leave..there are lot of wonderful resources online too..

good luck and stay safe..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 11:04pm

Thank you for your empathetic responses, that is really what I was looking for initially. A little background, I have been married to an abuser for 16 1/2 years and I realized this in December of 2006. I called a DV advocate and filed for a PO in August 2007. I stayed in the house we owned until September 2007 at which point I took a job in another state 9 hours away. I ended up going back to him in November 2007 because he had attended abuser treatment and parenting classes and claimed to have changed. By January 2008 I moved into DV transitional housing but wasn't doing well there because the DV advocate in charge of my case was awful. So I moved in with my parents and they convinced me I needed to go back to my marriage to work it out so in June 2008 I moved back in with my abuser. His abuse got exponentially worse to include rape and more severe physical abuse.

By February of 2009 I was fearing for my life and I fled with the kids to a shelter. This one was wonderful and really helped me a lot. However for transitional housing we had only a 2 bedroom apartment for me and 5 kids with nowhere for them to play. Very stressful. In August 2009 he began to threaten that if I didn't move back to our house in another state he would kill me. I was afraid he meant it and so I moved back to the home we owned. In January 2010 he got laid off and we had to rent out our house because we couldn't afford to stay there. So then I had to live with him to survive financially, and we moved to a college town where he decided to go to school By March 2010 he was abusing me severely and I moved out of the house we were living in into a small 2 bedroom apartment. But he wouldn't leave me alone and practically moved in with us there too. In May 2010 he got his old job back and we moved back to this area we are in now. So really I have "left him" 3 times in the past 3 years and some of the moving was related to his job loss. And the kids and I are tired of moving.

However when he was unemployed and he moved us to the college town, we applied for section 8 housing. We were placed on a waiting list. I was just recently approved for this. It could provide myself and the kids a viable way out. BUT.... I also just got a FT job here, and don't have a job yet in the college town. So I have a choice:

1- Take our way out in the college town, find a job there, and finish my BSN there. This would require another move, and displacing us all again, but we would be 8 hours away from him in adequate housing we can afford.

2- Stay here and continue in the RN program and continue living with him. He will pay my way through school and I won't have to work. We are financially much more comfortable but it will be 2 years until I finish school and can support us without child support. We remain in the abusive situation for 2 years, but the kids don't have to move.

I am just undecided about what to do. As much as I want out, I will have difficulty pulling it off. I want what's best for my kids but I don't know what that is. Please help me analyze this very important decision...... and if you are not helping with this decision and want to blame me for the abuse, don't bother replying.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 9:00am

Morning, freedom, and welcome to the board.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 2:10pm

I guess you would say that last reply was "tough love."

Pages