Why can't I just leave?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Why can't I just leave?
6
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:52pm
My bf has been going through alot lately. Under extreme stress. We got in an argument today because he told me to save the draft of an email I was typing and I said no, I don't need to. He got angry, picked up my computer, threw it across into the other room. When I stood up and said "why would you do that?" He got more angry, said get out of my face, picked me up and threw me across into the other room. Then he proceeded to raise his fist at me, and then picked up a box and threw it right beside me. He kept saying " now you're scared, a second ago you wouldnt stop running your mouth"... He is emotionally abusive often, and has struck me in two other instances. Why can't I just leave??? HELP!!! Why am I so weak?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:13pm

Hi Girly,

It takes a long time and lots of courage to just end a realtionship. One day you will just say that you've had enough. I had a huge fight with my abuser and I knew that was the last one I could take. He treated me so horribley, said so many mean things, switched everything around on me, told me he hated me over and over.... and you know what? It was my birthday when he did all of this - and he never wished me a happy birthday till the very end of the day. That was it!! i couldn't take it anymore

You said that your BF is emotionally abusive?? How long has it been going on for? How long have you been together?? Do you live together?? Children??

If he has been emotionally abusing you - then I'd say he's been messing with your head in a way that we won't understand. My abuser would switch everything around and blame everything on me/yell at me/was very jealous/controlling... etc. They have a way of doing things that make you feel that they are right... and we are in the wrong. But nobody deserved to be treated unfairly. They are in the wrong.

Good Luck. You will know in your heart when you have had enough.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:16am

Being afraid to leave does not make you weak. You are with a man who hurts you emotionally and physically. Fear is probably your most constant emotion and it is not your fault. This is what abusers do to us. And yet leaving them is even more frightening. I know that makes no sense to people who have not been in our shoes, but we learn how to survive within the abusive relationship. We learn how to walk on eggshells and do everything to please or avoid the fight. As horrible as it is, the abuse becomes normal to us. But leaving is the only way to regain ourselves.

I left my abuser in November and became completely free of him in March. I still sometimes wonder that I had the strength to do it. Looking back at my days with him is terrifying. But I want you to know that as scary as it was to leave him, it was the best gift I ever gave to myself because I got my life back.

Please do not berate yourself for being afraid. You will know when it is the right time for you. It took me five or six tries before I finally got out. And I had help. I had domestic violence on my side and the few friends I had left and my family. I got myself a counselor for the specific purpose of getting out. I forced myself to rent an apartment even though I was terrified. I found ways to scrape together the money I needed. I signed a two year lease so that I knew I would not be able to go right back to him - that I would have a financial obligation to stay out. And when I took those steps and left - at first I was still terrified. I remember telling my best friend that it was the worst thing I had ever done. I felt horribly guilty for hurting him. I was a wreck.

But it got better. And my life has changed in so many positive and wonderful ways. I did not know that life could be this good for me. I would never have dreamed that I could be as happy as I am today.

I want you to know that it is possible to get yourself back. I want you to know that you do have the strength inside of you. And I want you to know that you need to do things at your own pace. You will know when the time is right for you.

Please know that there are women here who will support you. I posted a lot the few days before I left and the advice I received really helped me to stay strong and to do what I did.

No one deserves to be frightened and hurt and abused. I will be thinking of you and hoping that thaing get better for you soon.

Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:29am
thank you so much for your reply. it brought tears to my eyes. I hope that my day will come sooner than later, but hearing stories like yours gives me so much hope. thank you for sharing your story with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 3:20pm

Babe, do you have any support?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:20pm

There is something he is supplying to you 'emotionally' that you believe you must get from him. I have been there and I understand.

My ex was my "emotional filling station", and no matter how bad things got, I convinced myself that it was temporary and things would get better. When he was good he was very, very good, but when he was bad, he was horrid (sound familiar?). I was emotionally addicted to him and believed I couldn't go through life without him; that if he weren't there my life would have no meaning and that I would feel like just half a person.

You will reach your limit, and when you do you will leave...HOWEVER, you will miss him and may consider going back to him - and you may do it. You will miss the good times and pretend the bad really wasn't so bad, and maybe next time it won't happen again...maybe, just maybe if you do things differently, act differently, respond differently, become a different person....walk on eggshells...etc., etc.

The truth is, my dear, that you, as I had to do, must find out why you believe you only deserve the crumbs he is tossing your way instead of deserving the whole loaf.

People involved in dysfunctional situations live on a different planet and speak a different language than those who are non-dysfunctional. Until I truly understood, everything that well-meaning friends told me never made sense, and whatever I said to them never made sense. I thought they were all wrong because they didn't understand him and what a rough life he'd had. I believed that my love and support would conquer all. It didn't matter to me that he didn't take a major role in getting help for himself because I knew life was so hard on him. I became a volunteer to live a life of being abused in an attempt to cure his problems.

Five years ago we separated (for the umpteenth time) and I rented an apartment and was so excited that he would not know where I was or have my new phone number. But, the night before I moved he called and like a ninny I gave him my new address and phone number!!! Talk about who really needed help! I kicked myself around the block until it dawned on me that I needed counseling, and fast! I started seeing a counselor and held nothing back...and then one day it all became clear. It was like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she opened the door and it was technicolor on the other side...the whole world looked different to me. And in truth, it was me that was different, not the world. In my case, because of how I was raised I didn't think I deserved any better, and I was finally able to reach the point of knowing and believing I deserve better. It is a wonderful personal journey that I will continue for the rest of my life. It has improved every facet of my life...work, friendships and day to day living.

You my dear friend are at a crossroads, and only you can make the decision as to which road you will take.

Life is like going from coast to coast. Some people fly across and miss everything in between. Some choose to take the bumpy roads and have a very difficult time. And some choose to meet interesting people along the way, explore various paths and make an adventure out of it. We'll all end up getting to the end of our journey, but how we get there is our choice.

We are here for you,

Calllie

Edited 8/27/2006 12:23 pm ET by callie_jazzylady




Edited 8/27/2006 12:29 pm ET by callie_jazzylady
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:45am

If you're like most people, there may be 1) practical considerations that worry you 2)codependent/abusive relationships can be addictive in a way. Not to say that anyone LIKES getting beaten, but change is a scary thing, and many people would at least rather know what to expect.

That does NOT mean you are stuck with it, which is the good part. The best way of fighting an addiction is to figure out a plan of action. Figure out what you will do, where you will go. Address any practical considerations (avoiding having to leave a pet, etc) that are bothering you. Check out our board website and our "News and Resources" section for a place to start.

Don't beat yourself up that you can't do this overnight. I am one of the most opinionated, firm people I know, and it STILL took me two months after I realized what was going on to get out. Like any big move, it's not an immediate thing.

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