why cant i let go? whats wrong with me?
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why cant i let go? whats wrong with me?
| Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:02pm |
Most of you know that i ended my marriage of 23 years to a man who was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He was very lovable at times and then would be extremely verbally abusive, and a few times physical. After a long struggle to stay or go, I did leave. I know live on my own and have terrible financial devestation, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disease and am manic depressive. My son is in a rehab now for drug use. My daughter is an emotional wreck and has scoliosis and will require surgery. My EX has now moved another woman into the house and I am just dying. This is now making me want him back and want to run home. This is making me think I NEED HIM and his wealth. I have lived more than half of my life with this man, I am now 44 years old, and I feel LOST in a great big world all alone. I have a hard time every day getting up out of bed after almost a year of my divorce being final, I have a hard time working and am losing money each and every day due to my lack of motivation, and I feel so terribly defeated by life and what has been dealt to me. My EX treats the new woman like a QUEEN and I feel ripped off. I feel like through all of my blood, sweat and tears, she walked into a 23-year foundation and picked up the trophy. Help me. How can I deal and get on with my life. How can I end this daily depression that keeps me a black hole feeling like I am worthless. I have gained weight also, and I look worse than I ever have in my entire life. The stress has taken a huge toll on me and I now have medical problems due to my self torture that I create for myself everyday.

I'm not sure if you remember me, I have post on this board from time to time, but usually lurk. I'm not a counselor or therapist. I can sense the pain in your message and I wanted to try to offer you some advice. It sounds to me that your bipolar cycle has dipped down, and that you are smack in the middle of the depression part of the cycle. I'm not sure if your doctor has prescribed medication, but if he has, you might want to make an appointment with your doctor so he can take a look at your medication dosage.
I also wanted to say, HON from the outside, it MIGHT appear that your ex-husband is treating this new woman like a queen. However, what could actually be happening is the same process that he put you through during your 23 years of marriage. Things may not be exactly as they appear, hon. She didn't pick up the trophy, hon, you did when you chose to stop the abuse that you had been weathering for the past 23 years. I'm guessing what you are seeing, the lovable mask that he would show you from time to time, is a manipulation to keep control but this time, it's over the new woman. In time, she will most likely see the other manipulations and control tactics that he also showed you, in order to keep his sense of power and control.
I think it would be helpful for you to call up your doctor, and let him or her know what is happening in your life, and how you are feeling defeated by life. Please think about this.
Sherri
He wants you to know he's treating this new gf like a queen, but understand what you went through, she will in time be forced to live with the same damn thing! He's making it all wonderful and beautiful and making sure you hear about it and see it. He's NOT treating her like a queen, he's setting her up for his abuse and nothing in this world will ever allow her to hear this until she, like you, wakes up one day and realizes the Hell he's brought down upon her.
I strongly urge you to talk more with your therapist and doctors, you need to get the focus off his bullchit and get the focus on YOU! Just like you had too to leave him, you MUST get all your power and strength onto the fact that he's playing just another tactic and you need to get ahold of yourself now before he finds the button's to push you all the way down, until you have no self-worth or self-esteem left. HE'S STILL FINDING WAYS TO ABUSE YOU, JUST THROUGH ALTERNATE TACTICS! He's got you so busy feeling like crap that you are not allowing yourself to control your disorder. He knows what you are going through because he's pulling the strings!
Only you can do it girl, you've done it before, you can do it again. Don't let him win!
Turn the focus back onto what will improve your life, what will bring you a new and better life, stop worrying about what he is doing and the games he is playing. It's nothing but flash but he knows it's getting to you. So now he gets to abuse two women instead of one and he's loving every minute of it. She's buying his line and you're still letting him push your buttons, it's an abusers dream. Stop making him happy, turn away from him.
You've heard it before and it is still the one proven method of making peace, THE BEST REVENGE IS TO GO ONTO LIVING A HAPPY LIFE WITHOUT THEM!
You can do it, so grab yourself by your pantyhose, pull yourself up, get ahold of your disorder and do it for you, no one but you. You've done the hard part, now let go of a bad memory and go make some new great memories! We've all lost parts of our lives, he has no right to make another one of your days miserable, you do not have to let him.
Hugs
Pam, he's done this before.
CL-Blueliner4
he has let this woman (who has been there three weeks) take over. My daughter had to go there to his house to pay his money she owed him (yes hes a jerk) and he took her upstairs to our old bedroom and showed her how his new g/f had painted it new, how they had a bought a new bedroom suite together and carpeted the whole house...all in three weeks! these were promises he had made to ME!! and now she walks in and shes buying the damn furniture. I know i shouldnt let it bother me, but he used my daughter as a TOOL by even showing her what they did in the upstairs, and he should not have done that. ON TOP OF THAT, after he showed my daughter, he said "Shannon, Dont tell your mother about this, it might upset her". NOW........he knows my daughter has the mouth of a radio station. Then he has teh nerve to say, I dont do anything with you in mind Pam, i dont do anything to try to piss you off. Get a life PAM!!!!! You didnt want me, you threw me out of my house with that protective order, you called the police on me, and i have begged you back for two years, now leave me alone. but then he continues to keep my daughter appraised of whats going on with little visits and little comments like "My new g/f wants LEXUS." LIke hes gonna buy her one. it just makes me soooooooooo mad.
I have learned that somehow someway i have got to get a hold of myself and find my own self love for myself or i am going to be worth nothing.
I just found out my son was on heroin 4 weeks ago and he is now in a rehab. This is the same son, who did so well in school, and had been put down so long by his father. the pain of that shock that my son was using heroin just killed me...i went into a 3-day shock and didnt want to move out of my bed. How much worse can it get? Its been long enough now and the damn pain doesnt stop, it just keeps going and going and going.
I know it could be worse, i know we could be homeless or something, but I think what I have lost is my self worth, my meaning for life. all i do every single day is type type type type to pay for a 30 year mortgage all over again. i would eventually like to move because obviously i over bought what i can afford and im losing my child support next june and am losing my health insurance at the same time. thats going to be alot of money that i no longer have.
i know i shouldnt complain, but i wonder if its the bipolar complicating everything and how i deal with my emotions and stress??? or is it the constant unrelenting stress and post traumatic disorder that has caused the bipolar?? I wasnt diagnosed bipolar until after my separation. i dont get it anymore.
shes from tennessee and has a sweet little southern accent. I called there the other night because he had left a message for me to call him about my son. HE had gone to see him at the rehab. Well when I called she answered the phone and said "What do you want to speak to him about and why are you calling MY HOUSE?? MY HOUSE!!! she said. shes been there 3 weeks and its HER HOUSE??? unbelievable.
yes i know, i need to try to stay focused but i cycle up and down up and downa and up and down
i am taking my meds, faithfully, but i am back to sleeping all day, staying up all night and i have gained an awful amount of weight that makes me feel like POOP. i look awful and i cant stand to see myself in the mirror. even my daughter said last week, Mom you are embarassing me, you are fat now she said. Now im not fat per se, i mean my daughter is in shock because last year i wore a size 5 and now im busting out of a 9, so shes taking it hard watching me go down hill. but she is also very outspoken and says many hurtful things to me daily. shes a hard worker with her job and everything, and she has supported me a million times, but she can also be my worst enemy when she is mad at me.
i just feel alone and i feel like all i do all day is sit in front of this computer, while there is a life out there that I will never ever find. How can I? Im locked in my house trying to struggle with bipolar and it takes me 24 hours a day just get an 8 hour job done.
im not doing well.
i wonder if i need a new psychiatrist??
thing is though, i dont want to be put on lithium or those other bipolar medications that make people gain like 100 pounds. that would just throw me deeper into depression.
You have to stop your self right here and now and catch your breath. You have worked yourself into a total frazzle and you're looking at the frazzle more than you are looking at what you could be doing instead.
You have to regain control over your own life before you can reach out and help the rest.
He has you running in circles, he knows that what he tells your daughter will be repeated to you, he's pushing everyone, he's CONTROLLING everyone.
You desperately need to slow the whirlwind you're catching yourself up in. If it takes new medications, take them. If that's what it takes to stop this insanity that you're winding yourself up in then that is far better than worrying if you may need a size 10 dress! Once you get ahold of your life, once you get ahold of your disorder, once you get ahold of your self-worth and esteem you can then get firm hold on your life.
I know all too well what trying new medications is like, I know the pain one's mind goes through when one feels things happening within one's self, but if the medication does what it is suppose to do, then we have to keep with it or we cannot expect to be free from our demons.
When you can calm your mind, when you can re-focus on you instead of what "she" is doing, when you can refocus onto what YOU can do for yourself you will start to see more clearly.
Hunger
Angry
Lonely
Tired
HALT!!! How many of those fit your daily life? Stop and look at what you're doing to yourself and find ways of healing you. Get your daily life back in order, get your daily med routine down and stick to what is working.
We all have something that makes us look upon ourself in a negative way if we let ourselves do so. When I'm down all I see is a one legged freak alone in a world that couldn't care less. I see someone who has not had a nights sleep in over 8 years due to a nerve disorder I did not ask for. I have had to take many medications to try can keep from becoming totally unable to walk and take care of myself. I have also had to wean myself off those medications that have not worked and laid alone through Hellish days and nights until my body let go of the need for them.
You are not alone in how you feel about yourself, but also know that there are those here who walk a hard line everyday and do what we have too so that we can keep our minds clear and make solid decisions. There are single moms in here who have to walk that line and keep their children safe, IT CAN BE DONE!!! But you have to want it, you have to want it BAD!! It's then that you will find it and you will get yourself back together.
We know you can do it Pam, we've seen where you've come from and we know that it is his abuse still finding a way to make your life miserable, only you can stop it, only you can find your happy new life. He has you thinking so much of his little games that you have stopped looking at how to keep yourself in check. That dear friend is his abuse once again infecting your mind.
Take back what you have found in the past couple years, take back your life and your sanity! When you're healthy in body and mind your children can feel your strength and they will grow from it.
Hugs
I have BP too, and a 6 year old son. I'm 40. I was the other woman who picked up the trophy. Let me tell you, the trophy was not worth the agony. I ignored his ex-wife's allegations of abuse and thought it was bitter ex-wife syndrome. He seemed really fun and cool to be with at first. Two years into our relationship we had our son and everything went wrong.
I put up with mental, emotional, and physical abuse for 8 years from this man. As someone else mentioned, I don't know how recently you have been diagnosed with Bipolar or whether you are on medication, but situational stress can aggravate your symptoms. You need to see your doctor and get him/her to help you through this bad time.
I never thought I would be emotionally stable, however, now that we are apart, and with support from my doctor I feel much better.
Good luck
tearz
I was diagnosed with bipolar about a year ago this November. Right when my court battle started with him, which made me believe "how could I be bipolar" hes the SICK one who abused us!!! Im not bipolar, im STRESSED OUT!!
However, when I go down the list of symptoms I do have the symptoms they list. Strange thing is, why weren't my symptoms exacerbated during the marriage to this extreme, while I lived with him, if I had bipolar??? Fear factor??? I have entertained the possibilty that my fear was so great, that I was not allowed to feel or speak, so maybe I masked it?? I dont know.
I have been on the meds since November. I really think my meds do help me. I think the problem is that I dont eat all day long and then I binge about 3-4 a.m. in the morning. And when I say I dont eat all day, I mean NOTHING.........food i just dont crave because it just seems like so much trouble to make anything, to shop for it, and I dont have money to be eating out........so i basically have gone without. I know this is something I am doing to myself and I dont know why i have picked up this awful habit. Here it is 2:23 a.m. and Im UP, wide awake.......and what am I doing? drinking coffee to stay awake so that I can type and make my income, because I didnt work all day.
Yes, I know, i need to desparately get on a schedule before my life falls apart more.
Yes this stuff is horrible and you have every right to feel horrible. But you have Bipolar as well. You have to force yourself to remember that the Bipolar makes you feel worse. If you didnt have the Bipolar you would still feel horrible but with it makes it ten times worse. Stress brings on our episodes. I know it sucks. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel because I really do. I have this Bipolar and it sucks. When you are feeling so down that you cant get out of bed you have to say to yourself I feel bad but this disease that I have is keeping me down more. You have to fight it. Its so hard to do this. And when Im down I have to keep reminding myself of this.
As for this new woman. Feel sorry for her. Dont feel bad because you think shes getting the trophy. She isnt. What she is getting right now is your nice and sweet side of your ex. You know how he is you have been there. Yes now hes treating her like a queen thats what they do in the beginning. They are charming and sweet. Sooner or later she will get that bad side and she will be unhappy and understand why you left him.
Be proud of yourself for leaving. Be proud of how strong you are. Not only were you in this long abusive marriage you were also dealing with a very difficult mental disease. This is a disease. The fact that you left him is wonderful. Do you realize how much stronger you are with having Bipolar. You have to fight harder to survive. And even though its not fair that you have to fight harder it makes you stronger. You can survive anything that comes your way.
Melysa
You hang in there too and thanks for responding.