why do I feel bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
why do I feel bad?
2
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 2:38pm
I usually don't get out except wen. but my mom kept my son this weekend so I went out fri. night with some friends. I called my husband to see if he wanted to come, but of course he said no. He was at another bar by himself. I think he was mad because I was out. Anyway after about an hour he showed up. He had bought a shot for him and my girlfriend I asked him if I could have half of his, he totally ignored me and drank the whole thing. Well this guy that heard us said I'll buy you a drink so I went to the bar and my husband walked up and started putting his finger on my head and pushing my chest calling me a slut and a bitch. Well this big guy came out of no where and tackled my husband and said we don't put up with that stuff around here.I looked at my husband and said I told you that you would do that infront of the wrong people one day. The guy approached me and said I'm sorry but I seen what he was doing and it made me mad. I felt bad for seeing the man braw with him. I started crying feeling guilty. Nobody understood why I felt guilty. Why do I feel guilty and bad for seeing him get attacked? shouldn't it make me happy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 8:27pm

I was the same way with my ex. Someone I knew very well came up to me in public one day and said "I have some news for you about this guy". He kept his head down the whole time and continued what he was doing, just ignored them. I actually felt bad for him, even though I didn't need to. I don't even know why I did. Later on, after the breakup, I found it funny how he didn't have the nerve to say anything back.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure he made you feel guilty and to blame for the smallest things. "Well you were the one that did this or that, it's your fault this or that is happening" Blah, blah, blah.

He has drilled it in your head that he is the victim and you are to blame for it. You're not. It's not your fault he ignored you because he's an a$$. It's not your fault some guy noticed and decided to do something about it. You have no reason to feel guilty. Just remind yourself that if he had been more respectful towards you, he never would've been attacked. It's HIS fault NOT YOURS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 10:03pm
You feel bad because he has conditioned you to feel sorry for him, which is one of the things abusers do best. But, don't feel bad that you weren't "happy" to see him attacked. Most humans shy away from physical violence, and doing so is nothing more nor less than a human trait. You don't want to see another human being come to harm, which makes you very different from- and that much better than- your abuser.
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