Why do I feel guilty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Why do I feel guilty?
7
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 6:02pm

I have posted on her for a few months, and here I am yet again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 8:58am

Phili2004,

You don't know how much I wish I could answer your question. I logged on to write just about the same story you have written. I also was doing really well until this week. My stbx has been stalking me and finally went too far. I have completely blocked him from everything, but feel sorry for him. We signed (separately) on the papers to sell the house yesterday and I have worried all night and this morning, "where is he going to live" "who is going to pack everything for him". I know it sounds crazy, but I can't help it.

The only thing I can say is that I kind of want to say this is normal since we both are experiencing it.. (????)

So, if anyone posts comments to Phili, I would love some insight, too.

Good luck Phili and just hang in there. Surround yourself with people who care about you.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 12:01pm

http://www.life-with-confidence.com/deal-with-feeling-guilty.html

Focus on the end result, focus on why you had to do this. It is the conditioning he has done that makes you feel guilty.

other thing is to bury yourself with other stuff (work, friends, family) so you are thinking less of him and his problems. He needs to help himself, you can no longer help him. It will only happen when he takes responsibility for what he has done or doing. unfortunately with abusers, that doesn't happen. Just focus on the life YOU want and what is best for you, when you start feeling guilty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 12:40pm
I too felt tremendously guilty, even though it wasn't warranted guilt.

It took a LOT of self coaching in order for me to make my self believe it was not my fault. I mean like talking out load and writing sentences out to myself. "Don't shame yourself for wanting good things."

There were some exercises in the book "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward that you can try that help you get rid of guilt.

Just know that it won't feel like this forever, but stay strong and don't cave!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 1:38pm

It is good to know that it doesn't last forever. I think part of my issue is before I disconnected all contact with him, he would in one message be nice and say that he wanted to change and that he wished he had time. Then, in another message, just a few minutes after the first one, he would accuse me of cheating and tell me that I was wrong in wanting a divorce and that I never told him how I felt. Just the up and down emotions all the time contribute to my guilt, I think.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 2:25pm

I went through the guilt before I left, "where is he going to live?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 4:33pm

Reading your last post reminded me a lot of my situation. I got the silent treatment as well, but I have hard time with understanding that it is abuse too. When I had contact with mine, he would say something to make me sad, then literally five minutes later he would say something to make me mad. It is as though I waited for the messages to come to make me mad. It is easier being mad than guilty, sad or depressed. Now that I have cut off all communication I don't have that. I can read my journals, but it plays through my head constantly. It is hard to tell other people WHY you feel sorry for them.

I am seeing a counselor every week. He was on vacation last week, so it has been almost two weeks since I have been to see anyone. Have you consider talking to a professional? It helped me sort out some feelings, even though they creep back every now and then.

It does help to post on this site. It is very theraputic and I have mentioned before on one of my other posts that I feel sometimes it is just for me to get it off my chest. It is also good to have validation from others who know how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 12:31am

You feel guilty because you've spent your whole time with him feeling guilty.