Why do I feel like it's my fault?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Why do I feel like it's my fault?
4
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 9:32am
Last night, another late night"converstaion". He came home from work saying he'd had a bad day, that everyone at work was telling him he was mean, that they were scared of him, they didn't like the way he was talking to them. Basically, all the same things I feel. So he doesn't want to talk about it, fine. An hour after we go to bed, he decides I didn't do enough to make him feel better and we have to talk about this right now. OK, I'm still trying to keep my head low until I am in a position to leave, or kick him out. So it starts with him saying he woke up feeling angry, depressed, and frustrated. Then he got mad that I didn't take his temperature and give him sympathy. I didn't see anything that he said as needing a temp taken, or loads of sympathy given. But because I didn't, now we have to have a 4 hour converstaion about how he does everything for the boys and I, and I don't reciprocate. I don't know that he said I don't reciprocate, but that was the jist of it in my mind. He wanted to know why everyone thinks he's a mean SOB, and I responded with "well sometimes you are" he says this all the time, that sometimes he is a mean SOB and a P****. Then he says that I don't care about him, really I don't anymore, and that I'm not doing anything to help this relationship, so it's all my fault that it is falling apart. And there are going to be some big changes happening in our relationship. Well, ok I'm planning on big changes, maybe finally we are agreeing on something. Also at one point he asked if he should move out this weekend, I didn't have the courage to say "PLease do." Because I don't have the financial means to support my kids and myself yet, although that is what I am working on right now. At about 4am, he decides that we are done talking, that was fine with me, I was done too. But now he has decided that I owe him oral sex for whatever reason, and he starts pushing my head down. I refused, and another "discussion" ensued about how I don't care about him or what he wants, it's all about what I want and when I want it. I make all the decisions, he never tells me no to anything, everything he makes is mine, etc. and of course I start feeling like he's right, but I know he's not. So am I really as stupid as he always says I am? do I have it good, and just don't see it? is it really all my fault?

Lori
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:51am

Oh my Lori!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:19am
Lori, I just want to reach out and give you a big (((HUG))) because I so understand what you are going through and I want you to hold on to the knowledge that this is NOT YOUR FAULT! First, it is good that you are making a plan to get out, but, you must remember to not let him know. It is so tempting when they begin to yell about leaving and splitting up to just say, "sure lets do it" but do not fall for it because it is a trick. While I was planning my escape he would often, in the middle of his tirade, start yelling that we should go our own ways, he would often say, "Just let me know so I can just get on with my life". THIS IS A TRICK! At first I was releived that this was going to be so simple so I eventually worked up the courage and the next time he said it I agreed and it was the worst thing to do, he got all quiet and he blew,"so you do want out,want a better man do you, you dont know how good you got it, if you want out you better leave, I'll clear this place out, dont mess with me, the kids will starve without me...." and on and on after which he got all affectionate and made me kiss him in front of the kids to show MOmmy and Daddy were OK. I never fell for that one again.

Your h sounds like a classic crazymaker as mine was (until he got progressively more violent)and this can wreak havoc on your emotions. It seems so hard to keep your head straight when he is constantly throwing you of with a dizzying array of tactics. He is coming at you from all angles and he will probably get worse the closer you get to leaving because you are shutting down. I used a trick my mother uses when she gets car sick, instead of focusing on the confusions and emotions whizzing past you, pick a stationary object on the horizan and focus on that and the craziness around you seems to fade away. Focus on your plan, on keeping yourself well and healthy and you will yourself better able to withstand his crazymaking.

I think the best policy with these guys is to simply not beleive a word that comes out of their mouths. Do you really believe that you have it so good? My stbx used to say he treated me like a queen and I actually began to believe that my ideas of husband and wife were just fairy tales, that behind closed doors everyone went through hel! until I was shown something that totally cleared that misconception up for me (another story!) I will tell you that from my own experience however good he thinks you have it now you can do a thousand times better on your own. My stbxh is actually jealous now that I got my nice 3 bedroom Co-op with a yard and geared to income rent (although I lived in shelters for 3 months to get it!), whines that since I left him he will end up on skid row which is laughable since he make almost 10$ more than I do! When I think of what we endured with him I shudder and I know that my worst day on my own cannot compare to the best day with him. Stay strong and know that you are on the right road, that you are strong enough, smart enough to make a better life for you are your children. My prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:23am
Thank you wishful. I know I'm not stupid, but after hearing it for 20 years you start to believe it. I actually have a degree in psychology and did counseling for a number of years, and yet here I am in a situation that I've talked a lot of people through. Like I think I said, right now, I'm just trying to keep my head down and stay out of "trouble" with him, till I'm in a better position to leave, which probably won't be till the end of the summer. But then again....if things continue this downward spiral, it may be sooner. One thing I am really glad about is that his coworkers are starting to get on him about his over-the-top outbursts (temper tantrums) as well. That validates everything the boys and I are going through, we know it's not just us then. One thing that did happen the other night, and I don't know if I wrote about it. At one point when he started yelling (remember this is at about 2am now), I said very calmly "Don't yell at me, if you can't speak with a civil tongue I won't even listen to you." Amazingly enough, it shut him up for a few minutes. And fortunately for me, he keeps saying "Just tell me what you want" well, once I am employed somewhere full-time and can provide for my kids without the need of him, my answer will be "I want a divorce and the house." and I know he will move out. He keeps "threatening" to, to me it's not a threat anymore, now it would be a dream come! true!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:26am
You know you're right, everything he says to me is a lie, thank you. I hadn't thought of that before.

Lori