why do i feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
why do i feel this way?
5
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:09pm
I was in the middle of typing a post, but H came in, so I have to restart this. My once jealous H, has finally cleaned up his act and became the H I've always wanted. It's been three months now and everything is pretty much good. I dont get any more than a couple of questions instead of a million and I dont have anything to complain about. So...why dont I feel happy? Its possible because I believe he will act his old ways again with the accusations. I talk to many people at work,and I am no longer the shy person I used to be and I love that. I also meet many guys, that have me wondering if I could do better than my H. I love my H, but the love for him is fading, mostly because of the jealousy he used to have. My friend suggested I go to counseling alone, but how would I pull that off without him knowing? He believes the marraige is our business not someone elses. Yes we tried marraige counseling but it makes him look like the bad guy(which he is)and we havent gone back. do i stay on in this marraige? here's the real problem: It seems im staying until he messes up again (ex. putting his hands on me or restraining me or a bad case of jealousy). He hasnt messed up in a while....im confused. he is a great dad. we have a good life. but i dont fully trust him. he sometimes likes to hide the truth.Im very scared to make a move on my own. anybody looking at us, as a couple would never that he was jealous, or know that im not happy. any two cents for me? thanks

strength76
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:54pm

Welcome back -


I'm still seeing flags in your post, so it sounds to me like he's just changed tactics meaning that the fuse it lit.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:56pm

strength76, this is in reply to both posts.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 11:17pm
strength76 - the very first line of your post

"I was in the middle of typing a post, but H came in, so I have to restart this."

Says a lot. My dh comes into the room when I'm on line at ivillage, and I exit quickly. Why? Fear of what? That he will be mad because you aren't keeping his little secret? I don't know if I can find the words to say what I want, but I'll try because in doing so, I hope to not only help you, but myself as well.

If you have to keep "secrets" from your husband - what does that say about his jealousy? His insecurities? Even though you may love him, but feel it is fading - it is because you probably realize that any day now, he will be back to being jealous and possessive and questioning your every movement. If you are meeting guys (first off, don't get into a relationship while married or too soon after leaving an abusive marriage) and are wondering about whether you can do better or not, then you probably can. But you need to take some time for yourself before falling into another relationship.

"My friend suggested I go to counseling alone, but how would I pull that off without him knowing? He believes the marraige is our business not someone elses. "

You need to sneak behind his back to help yourself? Yeah. Me too. And how do I do that without him knowing? - Shouldn't someone who honestly loves you encourage you to seek help for yourself, even if it means they may lose you? Someone who loves you wants for you what you want for you, not what they want for them. He doesn't want anyone knowing your marriage business because deep down, he knows he is wrong!!! And that if you talk with others about it, as you do here and have to hide it, that you will learn that he is wrong and that you can find better!! Get it?

It's taken me over 2 years to get it. What have I done about it? A lot of learning, reading, gaining small amounts of strength so that when I leave, I'll understand my feelings, I'll understand what has happened and I won't fall into this trap ever again.

And as for being scared to make a move on your own - of course you are. Everyone is who hasn't done it before, or has fallen prey to an abusive and controlling and jealous and possesive idiot. And you know what? All those traits - they are HIS problem. Not yours. If he is jealous - he has to grow up and deal with it, not control you so he doesn't have to deal with it. You are not his possession.

Read your post again. I've gone back and read mine. And I continue to come here and read a lot because I'm learning - ever so slowly - that my husband is abusive. I no longer love him. I'm unhappy being with him. I'm am mentally ready for departure. I'm working on the physically doing it and letting him know MY feelings. Something he has controlled for over 24 years. Yes, I've been married that long.

Find your strength before your life passes you by. I wish I had. But it's not too late. It's never too late.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:14pm
Thank you to all and ples 62...we seem to share some of the same heartache. Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know we are not alone in these times. I will definately take your advice on future relationships. As much as I hate to be alone, I would really hate to get wrapped in something new and forget about putting myself first for once. I told H that I wanted to get counseling for myself and he was questioning it. But, I dont care..im still making an appt. H and I had a talk and I finally let him know that what he did in the past can never be made up. It doesnt matter that he has money in the bank now, or that he is "good", so to speak. H wishes we could forget the past and move on. I just wish that sometime in the future, I will meet someone who is not jealous or possesive like he was. But yes, Im still taking my time with this relationship and making small steps as I go. It is so hard but small steps seem to help. I am now counseling my friend who is going through terrible times with her H. She is experiencing abuse, only she didnt know it was actually considered abuse. We are each others support as well. Thanks again and I will post with more news.

strength76
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:05am
Hi to all!

I was just reading my old post and decided to give an update. Everything was going fine until a few days ago I decided I didnt want H in the house. What set it off? I guess the fact that my brain snapped and decided to do its own thing. So, I told him I was unhappy and how I was having trouble believing his "new self" and I asked him to leave. Dont get me wrong...his new self is wonderful...its just hard to believe he is changed now. I said I would leave with the child, but he said he would rather go instead. since then, after a couple of days, he was begging and asking to come back to live at the house. He has done this before but last time I gave in after only a week. After that last time, he has been acting pretty good...but is it just acting??

He is complaining right now, that this seperation is wasting money because he has to pay rent somewhere else. He is complaining that he needs "loving" badly. And "why wont I just give in?". (sigh) (He has a high sex drive)

He is a great dad, has the capability to change but my heart just cant decide yet. So, for now we are still living seperatly. He knows he can never make up for the big mistakes from the past. He really doesnt believe in bringing up the past because he says,"ok,ok thats the past,i'm sorry and it wont happen again." He is pressuring me but somehow I am still holding on. I have this belief that I CAN do better, its just so confusing right now. Do I believe him and give him another chance? The deepest part of my heart says that I can be happy without him. But, my brain says I will have trouble supporting myself and my child and that I'm not mentally ready for a divorce. any advice?