Why do I have to be so stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Why do I have to be so stupid?
4
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:59am
Why did I agree to go to marriage counseling....like that is going to help. I don't believe that he is going to change. Why do I feel sorry for him when he starts to cry and say that all he wants is some attention, when I give him all the attention in the world. Why do I even care anymore whether he is hurt or not. He still doesn't think he is in the wrong, he is just under a lot of pressure and is tired of working all the time to try to take care of us......so, I work too. I might not have 2 jobs, but that is his choice to run a business in addition to having a full time job. I work and take care of everything.....that should count shouldn't it? I'm tired too. I pay bills, just as much or more than he does. I just want to scream because I'm tired of crying.....and oh yeah that's wrong too. I'm supposed to cry because he is hurting.....I'm supposed to want to "work on" making everything "right". It's never been right, but he doesn't see that. AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:53pm
I know what you mean. Mine wimpers all of the time that he is going crazy and I have to help him...stand by him, etc. Meanwhile he is terrorizing me. I guess I'm not supposed to mind that. I am finally seeking some counseling for myself but I can't help but try to protect him while doing so. How do they get such a hold on us? Its maddening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:01pm

#1 - YOU ARE NOT STUPID.


A lot (and I mean A LOT) of women feel the need to try marriage counseling prior to thinking about ending the marriage, even after those of us here encouraging them not to go because we see the stories and know from our own experiences and those shared here that it just doesn't work.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 6:34am

Hi Morgan,

I was where you were about this time two years ago. We had started marriage counseling. Instead of problems being resolved, they increased. Every little thing that was brought out in that little room with the counselor became my fault. It was pathetic. He had me such a mess that I already doubted myself, but with the counseling it intensified even more. The weird part was I was starting to see the pattern. In fact, that year on father's day, neither child did anything for him. He was a mess. He gave his whole life up for them, dadadada. The pity party was unbelievable.

If you can, see if you can get independent counseling. We went through about 3 months of marital counseling and I knew I had to to something. I called around and found one that was familar with the dynamics of abuse. Wendell knew something was coming. The day before my first appointment he followed me everywhere and then suddenly said that maybe we should get a divorce. I just looked at him and said let me go to this counselor first to see if something is really wrong with me. Well, after 20 minutes with this counselor, I was advised to get a divorce and get one now!

Two years later I am sitting here writing to you totally at ease. Yes, I am alone, my children are grown, but at peace and smiling. I no longer even think what Wendell is doing or why he was unhappy. I could never make him happy. I now know that. I hope someday he finds happiness, but that is his problem, not mine. It never was.

Hang in there,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 9:07am
(((HUGS))) You are not stupid, HE is selfish & self-centered. But thats all these abusers know. They cant SEE reality, & as people have said - no, marriage counseling doesnt work b/c all they see is THEIR OWN issues. Take care, xo
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