WHY do I keep choosing the same man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
WHY do I keep choosing the same man?
3
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:40am
THIS board helped me SOoooo much 2 years ago to get out of a 14 year marriage that was abusive to me and my children (mentally abusive). I became a new person, confident and not caring if a man was in my life or not but eventually finding almost the same man I was married to, WHY??? My ex yelled at me about everything and I met this guy about a year ago and he never yells so I stuck to that one good point but he is very very strange and doesn't do the things a boyfriend in a relationship would do. He says the right things when he has to but his actions are opposite. He doesn't take the opportunity to spend time with me when he can, he acts like calling me is a chore and he is uninterested in sex. He is always home when I check that out so I don't believe there is another woman. I feel so empty with him but keep asking why he acts so distant. I have broken up with him several times and he becomes the perfect boyfriend for a few days and then back to old hat. Besides not yelling at me like my EX, he has many of the same traits. Someone tell me why I pick the same man over and over in my life pleaze!!! My entire family and all my friends tell me that he is not worthy of me and hoping I will leave this "fog" soon and realize it. He is lazy and in a low paying job and lives with his Mom and has a $700 / month truck payment (<-how stupid). I have alot going for me with a home that I own and a car and a good career opportunity. Why would I settle for this when he doesn't even treat me right?

Thank you so much!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 12:49am
Hi there gopsunshine, I don't know if I can be any help because I am attempting to leave my relationship of 14 years so hats of to you girl for being able to leave in the first place. Maybe you need to dig into the past and find the strength that you used when you left your first abusive H. Sounds simple I know and I am not by any means trying to demish the pull that these guys have I am feelin it myself big time I think what I have come to realise is no contact is the key it allows you the space to think and assess instead of constantly reacting to what the other person is doing/saying etc I am taking my journey one small step at a time because to think to far into the future just opens up a whole can of worms and what if's...I am sure I am a compulsive worrier!!

Maybe this helps a little you did do it once before which is such an acheivement maybe just allowing yourself the space first and to decide if this is what you really want that's what I am trying to do ....just committ to having no contact with this man for a while that's not so hard really and then you can maybe clear your mind's chatter and be able to realise what your true feelings are! Boy of boy do I need to take my own advice!

Hugs

M
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 10:09am
Hugs sunshine! I didn't break the cycle of finding the same type person until I realized I had to change me first! I kept going out and finding the same type personality my abuser had because they had what I found appealing in my abuser before I found out they were an abuser.

Only after I had fallen back into another abusive relationship did I realize that I had to change how I looked at myself. In fact, I had to learn that I wasn't looking at myself, couldn't look at myself and didn't know myself. I found I couldn't even look straight into my own eyes in the mirror, just above, below or to the side, never straight on. This is when I started to find me, learn about me, learn how to change my self-image and esteem to a healthy outlook. That's when I learned how easy it was to see how I kept finding the same old same old!

I made ammends to that person looking back at me, learned how to love that person looking back at me and that's when I started seeing people differently when I went out into the world. I also found that alot of my old friends didn't like the new me because I no longer followed in the pack like a lost sheep. Instead I found to seek out new friends, a new life, a better life.

It's all in the mirror, and it's a hard place to start but a neccessary one!

Hope this helps

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 5:37pm
IMHO, I believe most, if not all, abusers are charming in the beginning of a relationship. They know that if they showed or revealed their true colors up front, they'd never get a woman in the first place.

I'll tell you what I did in my last relationship that helped me tremendously -- I kept a diary of our conversations, dates out on the town, stuff we argued about, etc. Seeing my own words and thoughts in black and white helped me see that my X-B had some of the very same attributes as my X-H. I realized early on that we really weren't on the same page with our respective goals and values, but it was hard letting go because he was very romantic and an excellent kisser. However, when he began acting ambivalent and started to vacillate, that forced me to take a good hard look at the big picture. That's when I decided to end it and return his things.

You need to really be in touch with what you want and how you want to be treated. When a guy starts treating you in a ways that you find demeaning or disrespectful, that's the time to end it and walk away -- BEFORE it gets worse.

Take care,

Heymum