Why do I miss him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why do I miss him?
3
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:32am
I have been reading this board and have seen how abuse physical and emotional has affected others..and I know in time I would have been worse if I stayed in the relationship.

When I met him..he lied from the first meeting...about important things..his name, age, marital status..when I realized his lies..9 mos later...I know stupid of me huh? He had me convinced he loved me and didnt want me to leave so he didnt see it fit to tell me. But before I found out he was becoming controlling, and had fits of jealousy.

He had charm and charisma..and a poker face, could lie right to my face. He particpated in illegal activities and I accepted it. He would want to know where I was going and with who. If I was late...he wanted to know why and what I had done. We would go out and if another man looked at me..he would want to know why, who he was and why was I speaking to him. It could have only been as innocent as a Hi...but there had to be a reason he spoke to me..I must have flirted..he always told me I flirted to much. I reached a point where when we went out I found myself looking down as not to make eye contact with anyone to avoid the million questions. Who? Why? What and when? One time he thought I walked to close to a man and came over and grabbed my arm pulling me away..telling me I should have known better than to embarass him and walk so close to another man. Another time..he said I was making eyes at another man...and badgered me as to why I was doing that and embarassing him. He said I flirted and I caused my own problems with him.

Yes I accepted this from a Married Man who was a pathological Liar..oh how he loved me..yeah right.

Other times he could be the sweetest caring man..like when I was hospitalized and he came and took care of me everyday. We wouuld cuddle after making love and I felt his love..he told me he loved me so much and I was IT for him. He was wonderful with my son.

His illegal activities where dangerous and risky and things I had a hard time accepting as I had my son to think of....yet I stayed.

It ended as Affairs always do. I told Wife..another long story.

I find now I miss him immensely and am very much in love with him still. Why do I miss him? I must be nuts?

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 2:49pm

Hi Hope -


The "man" you fell in love with was the man he wanted you to see, it's not the man he is.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:02pm
Thanks BLue, I still have so many questions. I know it was an Affair..but why if he could control his wife...why me too? He is a pathological liar, how do they become that way?

I am so confused..totally lost. I post on the All Sides of an Affair board also..but I dont think they understand...thier replies are always I should have left. It is hard to leave..when the person has you feeling as if they love you and at the same time the reason they are angry at you..is because you did something wrong.

I also dont understand how I allowed this relationship to happen. I was married 18 yrs..to a decent man..the Divorce was for other reasons...infidelity was not one of them either..My XH Never Ever controlled me..the few times he gave me the 3rd degree..I told him to stop and he did..so I dont know what really happened with this man.

Any answers?

Hope

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:44am
Hi Hope.

You will continue missing him until you fill up your life with other meaningful things. Activities that you are passionate about. Great friends that you can share your feelings with. Laughing. The GOOD stuff in life.

To me, the answer is to learn to make yourself happy and to love yourself deeply. That way you will not be vulnerable to a guy who says he loves you but is abusive. When we learn to treat ourselves well, we no longer settle for anything less than real care and love.

Have you tried some counseling? It works wonders on getting rid of all the old messages that we may have grown up with and finding the wonderful person inside of all of us.

Best wishes. I hope that you keep posting here.

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi