Why do I still love him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Why do I still love him?
5
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:23pm

Hello all,

I hate being here, I hate feeling like this is right place for me and wishing it weren't.
I love him you know?
It's verbal abuse- except for sometimes when he grabs me by the hair or pushes me against the wall- at least I think it's abuse and I wish it weren't..
There are many occaisions when he has said things to me and now it's as if I can't do anything right ever- there is always a cause for him to be angry with me and his days are ruined because of me or something I did or didn't do.
Today it was the swimming pool.
He is married. I live in alone in a condo that has a memebrship to a pool. Unfortunately this month I had to delay paying my monthly maintenance until next pay check the way things worked out. No Maintenance= No Pool. He calls up today- "boy it's hot- did you pay your maintenence yet?" He of course wanted to use the pool... and of course he couln't because I didn't pay maintenance yet. He started in on - "are you for real?!" and I told him yes and that I would get it next paycheck- so he starts giving me a tough time about why he can't go swimmming and I know where it's going and I'm tired of it. So I ask him if he wants to lend me the money and I'll pay him back and that way he can use the pool- and he says didn't he just give me money?- and he did but I didn't deposit the check yet and now he wants to know how much my mortgage is and how much my maintenence is and when do they come in and on and on- and I said- "Give it a rest- this is going to the place where you tell me it costs too much for me to live and I ask you what else am i supposed to do and you call me a loser since you make so much money without working a real job" so then he starts the argument all over and I yelled at him- I said "get out of my money!" he called me a 'w'itch and I said "I'm hanging up I just don't want to talk to you right now."
I do sound witchy in this but I'm just so tired- from here it would go on to how I'm loser or not smart enough or resrouceful enough or how I'm an @$$hole who can't take care of anything or I should stay up until 1 a.m. with him when I have to get up at 5 a.m. to go to work becasue he doesn't get enough time with me-blah blah blah- and today I just couldn't do it and darn right I got witchy.
He hung up on me before I said good bye. I called a friend of mine from childhood who I recently did a search to find-hadn't talked to her in years but we've been in touh for the last two or three months- and told her about this and other stuff and I asked her- is it really as bad as it sounds? My friend spoke to me about control and power- dominance and submissiveness- she told me under no circumstances to call him- and I asked her why and she said because I'm mad at him for making me feel bad about the pool and he should get his own darn pool if it's such a big deal to him.
I don't want to leave him but I don't want things to be this way anymore and I don't think I have a choice. He hasn't called me yet- he'll wait till he's good and drunk and then rip me apart then- or maybe he won't call at all- I don't know- he says he's tired of me being an @$$hole all the time- however he doesn't ever think I'm one of those when I'm rubbing his back or his feet or cooking for him-
Darn it- it was so fantstic in the beginning- and I'm so alone where I am- I have two frineds- my old friend in Florida I told you about and my cousin in North Carolina and I'm in NJ. I miss him- and I'm scared and lonely and worried. My friend says to me" You know what you need to do and maybe you're not ready yet but at least you have a direction to follow now"
I don't want to be alone- I don't want this relationship to be where it is- he says it's my fault cuz he can only react to what I do and what I do makes him react badly-
Rats- I know I'm smarter than this but all I want to do right now is call him and make up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:21am

Your friend sounds like a smart cookie. She is right when she says not to call him; calling you an a$$hole and pushing you is absolutely abuse.

You're fortunate in that you don't live with him, which will make him easier to get rid of. You deserve better than a married man who's already demonstrated an ability to be unfaithful; use this opportunity to ditch him, get comfortable with yourself, and find someone who will want only YOU and treat you in the wonderful way that you deserve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:57pm
My heart goes out to you. I am in a very similar situation. I can't do anything right. Its always a lose lose situation with my bf. I know how you feel, i've been through the same thing with the verbal abuse and the beatings. its heartbreaking, we know we're smarter than this, but somewhere deep inside of us questions whether or not he's right. Its really sick isn't it? Just know that you are not alone in this, anytime you need to talk you can send me a message.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:12am
Oh Rosie Honey- I'm sorry. Right back at you. Beatings too? I don't know why I would think that this is worse than just verbal abuse stupid the way I've learned to think.
How long have you been with him?
I found that today something happened that made me re-resolve to figure out how to work things out - you know those things happen like when he ripped out the ad from a magazine that says- "You're Smart, You're funny, You're beautiful" and sticks it on the fridge- but then a few hours later he's drunk and telling me I'm stupid, snotty and fat. Today was no different and already tonight I'm swinging the other way. He got drunk- but then I go into "if only he didn't get drunk...maybe it would be okay. But I keep saying to myself it's not really as bad as all that- you know? I also start thinking, though, of what it would be like later if we were to share a life together and I don't get to leave at the end of the night. My friend says I am not responsible for his happiness. She also told me to make a list of everything I want in life and in a relationship and then see how many of the attributes he shares.
I have to say I feel much much stronger since my friend came back in the picture and I don't feel as alone.
I admit I'm not ready to throw in the towel- so maybe it was stupid to post here and even waste anyone's time-
Did you see Soo Yon's post though? she left and is happy. It give me something to thnk about-
Thanks for your post I will keep an eye out for you.
Big HUG
~Miss
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:55am

You are emotionally addicted to him, and believe it is necessary to be mistreated. A counselor can help you sort it all out to discover what in your background was the catalyst for you to live your life this way.

You can have a good life and a good man. You will find out that a good man could enhance your life, but is not a neccesity for survival.

I was there...right where you are, and believe me, there is a better way - and you can improve your lot.

Put yourself and your feelings first...do something for you, focus on you, not on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 11:49am

Ok, the part that upset THE MOST in your post was two words "he's married"..

Ok - are you serious??? That makes me so sick, darling, its not even funny.

LISTEN TO ME CLOSELY - NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER DATE A MARRIED MAN, EVER!!
It would be even more morally WRONG AND JUST WRONG if he has kids.. I mean that is SO WRONG. Your partaking in hurting his wife - who probably hates him as well, but still, your adding SALT TO HER WOUNDS. I invite you to go the "cheated on" boards to see how painful it is for people to deal with someone who cheats. Obviously, he shouldn't be putting his shlong in other woman right now. HE IS MARRIED (and abusive).

So if you want, make it your excuse not to see him anymore simply due to the fact that he's married..

Oprah once said "As a woman you should be THOROUGHLY INSULTED if a MARRIED MAN wants to date you or have an full blown affair - IT IS AN INSULT"
And if you think about it is - he isn't giving you respect that you deserve.

And if he ever gets divorced and dates you full time - he WILL cheat on you.

SECOND ISSUE - you have to look at it as a fun challenge that will empower you to GET RID OF THIS GUY - to play the game of getting rid of him will do you good.

First start by realizing and owning your own behavior - you are sitting around, tolerating the abuse. You are fragile right now I know, but start toughening up and stop playing victim - ask yourself the following questions so that first you understand yourself:

WHy do you crave acceptance from a scumbag? Why does it make you feel better about yourself?

What happened in your childhood?
Why do you need him?

Why can't you leave him? What happened in your childhood that makes you unable to leave or search for HEALTHY LOVE. These are questions you have to search DEEPLY about.

YOU NEED TO TELL HIM to "F-- OFF" (over the phone please, not in person b/c he will, obviously hurt you) and if he continues to bother you, get a restraining order against him..

LISTEN to me closely, right now you need to start thinking about how GOOD it would feel to give this JERK a dose of his own medicine.

THINK OF HOW EMPOWERING THAT WOULD BE TO YOU!!!!!!

Let me know what you think. I can give you more advice if you want.

PS - you need to find someone/something else to worship or consume yourself with.