Why do we cling? LONG!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Why do we cling? LONG!!!!
8
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:38am
Hello. Im new to the board, but have been visiting other boards to try to figure out my dilemma.

My husband of 10 years and I seperated 3 years ago because I was at the end of my rope with his emotional and verbal abuse on me. He's been back repeatedly begging for reconciliation. I havent been able to give in because its taken me this long to get over the hurt he caused over 10 yrs. Sometimes he's really nice to me, sometimes he still loses his temper and calls me a "fat *itch, loser etc". He's always sorry afterwards and wishes he could stop and I should see that he's getting better. He kept saying how much he truly loved me and always would, so that was enough for me to give into maintaining intimacy with him during all this seperation. Well... thats enough to keep the cycle going, but not enough for me to give in to a reconciliation. SO I pursued with divorce plans, bought a new house and moved me and the kids into it. AFter that, we started getting along really great. No fighting, no abusive remarks.....nothing! I thought my wishes had come true, that we'd found a place where we could start appreciating each other and maybe think about getting back together. He said he felt that too. Until one day I was at his house I thought I'd be nice and clean the place up for him. I found womens panties and started snooping on his computer and found emails, nude pics etc. He's been having an online affair with someone who believes he hates me and Im dragging out the divorce. She really enjoyed their weekends together at the hotel...... SLAMMER!!!! When I confront him about it, his initial reaction was that I was a snooping *itch and he was sick of me. He didnt have sex with her, she was just a friend, he's never seen those panties before. I think in my fight to regain some dignity for being such a fool, I was desperate to believe he was telling the truth. So he tells me alllllllll the things wrong in our marriage that I did, that lead him to someone who "understands him better". He had broken it off because of us getting along so well, and hoped our marriage would rebuild. I should forget about it because he thought we were getting a divorce and he was moving on. Our intimacy continued while he was seeing someone else and meeting her in hotel rooms. This is where I struggle. Since then he's been back and forth with loving me or giving up because I'll always throw it in his face. I said "fine, lets get a divorce". Suddenly, he's falling in love with me again, is trying sooooooooo hard to be sexually fullfilling to me, and wants me to move home. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I dont think he's still seeing her, but I am doubting its because he's so in love with me. (the cow) I still love him and wish I could make things right with us. But Im so scared he's really tricking me with some ulterior motive. I want to let go and set myself free.......but I love him and dont want to let go. WHY????????

Sorry this is so long, Im so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 1:49pm
Leave him. He's an abuser and is using emotional blackmail. Bail. Bail. Bail.

Why do we cling? Well, let me tell you why I did. Because I was scared. Because I had started to believe the horrible things he told me about myself. Because I thought I could "help" him be a better person. Because I was afraid I'd be alone forever if I didn't stay and just put up with his crap. Because he convinced me that love was an altar and it was my duty to sacrifice myself on it for him. Because he said all the right things at first and I believed them and I believed I might one day get that back. Because I was scared. Because even though every instinct in me was begging me to leave I kept analyzing and analyzing and trying to understand why hoping thinking if I did I could fix it. Becasue I had momments when I bought into what he said and thought it really was all my fault. Because I was scared and didn't want to be alone even if it meant being miserable. Because he manipulated and made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. Because that is what they do; they make you afraid of looking for happiness somewhere else. Because they make you think it's up to you to save them and that if only you were good enough you could. Becasue even though somewhere deep down I knew I was strong and beautiful and loving and I could do so much better, I was scared I was wrong.

That's why I didn't end it sooner. Why aren't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:09pm

Hi KK, welcome -


I'm sorry you've had such a problem keeping him out of your life.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:30pm
His sweet as pie routine is nothing but a ploy. He's all good and sweet and nice until he achieves a goal. Then he becomes a jerk again.>>>>>>

I believe this is true. I just don't know what "toy" he's after since he's told me so many times what a loser I am etc. He says he was just mad about work or other pressures and accidently took it out on me. He was sorry for it. Just a couple weeks ago, I sent him an email with reading tips I found online about rebuilding after betrayal. His response was "just forget it". Now all of the sudden, he's all smiles and in love. I don't know what he's up to. Right after that is when I said lets get the divorce going. I know he resents me that I used marital assets to buy my new house. I suspect he wants me to move home to get his money back on this place. Of course he denies it.

So the next fear is making the break. When he finds out I've decided to proceed with the divorce, Im afraid the "real monster" will rear its ugly head and blast me good. There will be remarks of how I was an opportunist who was only after his money. How Im the one who gave up on our marriage and destroyed the kids lives. Im sure he will bring out the big guns that really hurt... including parading women in front of my face. I know I shouldnt care, but all that hurts me and he knows it. I need strength for this and dont know where to find it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:39pm
My next question is what if Im wrong? I know Im questioning this in hopes of avoiding the devastation of divorce. But for some reaon I need to know for sure that Im right in the decision. I appreciate everyones advice, and I know you're all probably right. But what if we're not. Is it possible that any of these things are a misconception from me? That he really is a lost soul who needs my love and forgivness? I know some marriages survive betrayal and abuse. How? How do I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's NOT in love with me and that he will NEVER come around to giving me the respect I deserve? Should I... not call him for a week and see what happens? Should I....... sit down and talk to him? Should I...... put him through some kind of "test" to see if his intentions are honorable? My biggest fear is regretting my decision of divorce down the road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:30pm

The fear of "am I doing the right thing" hangs with each and every one of us and there is really no "good" way to know except to trust ourselves and do this for us, what's right for us.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:02pm
<<<>>>


How do you know he's not in love with you? He is abusive and hateful and manipulative towards you. Three words that NEVER enter a loving relationship. This is what usually passes for love to an abuser: Love is sacrifice if you really love someone you'd be willing to do anything to make them happy including giving up your own happiness. Love to them is a sacrificial altar that you’re supposed to lay on and stab yourself to please them. Notice it's never them doing the sacrificing it's always you sacrificing to prove your love. Sound familiar?

How do you know he will never come around? Because he never really has. Yeah he might seem to for a while, but as soon as he thinks has got you back under his control all that goes right out the window.

How do you know that this time might not be the time he really does change? Why should it be? Nothing has changed. He's still abusing you and your still taking it. The abuse is still getting him what he wants, why would he stop?

The bottom line is if he wont admit he is doing anything wrong and he isn't willing to get help he isn't going to change. Why would he change when the he believes the problem is you and he's even convincing you you're the problem?

There's a great analogy I posted at another board: http://www.bpd411.org/bridgemetaphor.html. Are you going to let go of the rope or let him pull you and your kids down with him?

As to where to find the strength, well that I’m afraid has to come from you. No one can do that for you. But support is already around you, friends family, message board friends… When you’re ready to dig down deep and you find the strength they’ll all be there to help hold you up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:37am
Well, this is just my opinion, mind you, but you have asked a lot of questions about "how do you really know this is the right thing to do" and after reading all of the posts and your replies, the most simple thing that I can tell you is:

Honey, if this was a normal, caring, loving, KIND man, after all of the problems that you have had in your relationship, he would be saying to you, and have ALWAYS been saying to you,

"I'm so sorry that you feel this way, Sweetheart. I am very hurt that things haven't worked out the way that we both intended for them to, but whatever your decision is in this, I will support that. I don't want things to be any harder on either of us than they have to be."

That's it.

Although, if he were a normal, caring, loving, KIND man, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

He has never said that to you, has he. Not even remotely close to anything like that. He never will, hon, because he doesn't think that way. He isn't made that way. He is expecting you to do all of the work. He is expecting you to adjust your life decisions to his reactions and projected reactions. How long are you really willing to live like this?

hugs, jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:42am
p.s.

another reason why you are having such a struggle with this is because you are keeping contact with him.

You have to stop all contact, limited only to what is required for children etc. It is VERY important. You can not get your own thoughts and life in focus until you do that. Believe me, I have seen that posted so much, NO CONTACT, and it really is true. As long as you are having a relationship with him, in any form, your emotions are going to be directed by him and all the bull that he is feeding you.

It takes more than a week. More than a month. It takes as long as it takes until you can finally look at him and say to yourself, "I don't need you at all, you have done nothing positive for my life and I am GLAD to be rid of you!"

No Contact. It works. It is very important.

hugs, jen