"Why Does He Do That?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
"Why Does He Do That?"
8
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:25pm
(Cross-posted from Upstairs.)

I just wanted to thank everyone on both of the boards who have recommended the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I recently ordered it from amazon.com and I'm already more than halfway through it! So many things ring true for me as I read that book . . . it's unbelievable how insightful this guy is!!!

Any doubts I had about divorcing my XH based on his continuous pattern of abuse are now completely GONE! I feel much more *secure* in my decision now that I can put a *name* on what he did, what "type" of abuser he is, etc. (BTW, he has several traits from EVERY SINGLE TYPE OF ABUSER LISTED IN THE BOOK!!!)

I just wish I hadn't waited so long to read this wonderful book, and I would *highly* recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. Trust me, YOU NEED THIS BOOK!!! This is the *only* resource (besides these two boards) which I have found so far that really makes any *sense* out of it all.

But, reading the book has raised a question for me. All of the reading I've been doing, of course, has brought back some memories for me of things that went on during my relationship with my XH. One of the things he used to do, which I have not seen mentioned anywhere so far, is the following:

My XH did *not* like to allow me to make "original" statements in conversations with other people. I would make a statement which he agreed with, and he would immediately repeat exactly what I had just said *word for freakin' word*! Let me tell you, this got him more than a few odd looks from our friends. It's like he thought the statement wasn't "valid" until it came out of his mouth, since *nothing* I *ever* said could be considered "valid." Also, (and this is really screwed up!) he used to physically put himself in between me and whomever we were speaking to at the time. This could happen if we were speaking to just one of our friends, or if we were in a whole group. He would slowly start to edge himself in front of me during the course of the conversation, until I suddenly realized that I was staring at his back and had been effectively "excluded" from the circle! This drove me absolutely NUTS, and I confronted him about it on more than one occasion. Of course, he totally denied doing it, although everyone else present could easily see what he was doing.

So, are these things just freaky quirks, or do most/all abusers do the same thing? Anyone have similar experiences? Thanks!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 2:39pm
I think my BF's a verbal abuser---right now I am reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship--how to recognize it and respond" by Patricia Evans. Talk about enlightening. I am actually not the one provoking or instigating his behavior? Think that is still soaking in at this point...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:07pm
Hi, Nelly! I have also read that book by Patricia Evans. I think you will find it *very* enlightening. I read that one very shortly after I moved out of my XH's house and into my Mom's house to get away from him. I think that book helped me to realize that my marriage was abusive, and helped me make the decision to file for divorce. My divorce was final on March 24 of this year.

And no, it is absolutely NOT your fault! No matter how irritated he may get with you, that is NEVER an excuse for him to be verbally abusive (or any other kind of abusive, for that matter!) and don't you believe it if he tells you it is. Good luck to you, and keep posting!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 4:53pm
Emm, I read and loved the "Why does he do that" book. It was really a godsend and helped so much to see the manipulations my H uses and why our arguments are so frustrating for me. It was scary to see him on so many of the pages. I actually hightlighted many of the passages and gave the book to my H to read. I think it was very eyeopening for him.

Just to let you know my H does something similar to yours. He never likes an idea of mine when I mention it but then after about an hour or so he will state the exact same idea, as if it were his own, and now it's brilliant. If I would say I thought we should trim the limbs off the tree in the front yard he'd argue with me that they were just fine, then in about an hour he'd say "You know I think we should trim the limbs off the tree in the front yard". As though it were a completely new and fresh idea. It always astounded me everytime he'd do it. I just started to say "and you came up with that all on your own??" and sort of smile.

Hang in there, we aren't crazy!!

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:15pm

Oh, Nerfy used to do that ALL THE TIME.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:33pm
I would love to read some of these books being suggested! Problem is: 1) I would have to ask for the money to buy it, 2) Would have to release the title, 3) It would be absurd for me to need a book like that. Right. Proof positive, IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:33pm
Hey there...this reminds me of the story Lundy tells of the guy who wouldn't let his wife speak of herself during dinner.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:55pm

Not exactly.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:30am
Mitten, Blue, Flew & Sweet:

It is really amazing how much all of these guys have in common! Sweet, I *really* identified with that story Lundy told about the lady who wasn't allowed to speak unless spoken to. My H would go on and on and on about himself anytime we were with other people, be they friends, family or complete strangers. He would talk incessantly about his job (which really isn't all that interesting to those who are not in that line of work), but if I ever started talking about *my* job (I'm a paralegal, so I have a few "good" stories!), well that was just impermissible. NO ONE could POSSIBLY be interested in anything *I* had to say, of course! What *was* I thinking?!?! ;o)

Blue, mine used to do the same thing Nerfy did, as far as walking really fast and getting p!ssed when I couldn't (or *wouldn't*, in his opinion) keep up. He especially liked to walk *right in front of me*, so that I couldn't help but practically trip over him. It's like he just forgot I existed for awhile. (Until he needed something from me, of course -- isn't it amazing how that works?!?!)

Flew, I completely agree with Blue on this one. I know *exactly* where you're coming from. When I was still living with my XH, there's *no way* I could ever buy that book without him finding out and immediately throwing a tantrum. So, that's part of why it took so long for me to read it, even though all the "veterans" on this board have been recommending it for *ages*. But, Blue is right in that you can borrow it from the library, or even ask a trusted friend to get it for you -- it won't cost that much money. Keep it at a friends house and read it in bits and pieces as you can, or hide it at your house with a different dust cover on it so he can't easily see what it is. Make sure the dummy dust cover is from some kind of "girly" book, like a romance novel or tearjerker of some sort. He'll *never* touch it, I promise! LOL! Besides, *as if* he'd ever take an interest in anything you're reading, unless it directly affect him, right?

Love & Hugs,

Emm