why does my resolve keep failing..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
why does my resolve keep failing..
10
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 9:27pm

A week back I was talking about possibly getting a place and trying to leave. Today I am wishy-washy again..it is as if I just dont have the strength to deal with all that comes when and if I were to leave. My courage seems to be sapped.. I know people tell that women have left with far less. Maybe queen.brat was right. I will only leave if and WHEN my DD begs me too leave or if he is ever forced to be out. Abuse or not, I have fallen out with him..I hate just letting things be and always sort of staying in background so that things are status quo. Should I start responding/being assertive to him and wait for things to go out of hand? My therapist keeps wondering too - are you waiting for some physical harm to come to you and dd before you finally take a step? I guess I am not waiting for me..I am just afraid of going off on my own and leaving DD.I think that is what is keeping me from going. I am afraid to go and have her hate me and have her rebel by not wanting to come or see me. I just feel trapped by the whole thing.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 10:11pm

no one , not even you, knows why you stay or what you are waiting for. I remember being in your shoes and hoping he would do something to push me to leave or one of the kids would say something at school that would spark an investigation and I would have no choice but to leave. I was scared of what he would do if I left, of how I would support us, and how I would handle it all. I wanted something to happen that would take the choice from me. And when that happened I wished I had not waited and left on my own. What got me to leave was his threatening to hurt our son while our son watched him almost kill me. My son almost 6 years later has still not fully dealt with what that did to him and who knows if he ever will. But he deals with the aftermath of it all the time and I hate myself because he does.

I don't blame you for staying and am pretty sure I would stay if I was in your shoes and understand why you stay but on the other hand I have to tell you not only is waiting for him to get physical dangerous (when mine finally blew he almost killed me) but it is doing a ton of damage to your dd and you. This is why I have suggested


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 03-11-2011 - 10:32pm
It's true what queen brat says...there may be an incident in which you are forced out of the situation. Look at what happened to me, I would have never got out otherwise.

There might be a point where he gets violent and you have to get him out.
sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 12:32am

I know some may disagree but I have decided to call him out everytime he is irritated for small things, talks at dd/me in a tone as if he is the military commander.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 8:49am

We only disagree because we are worried about your safety! Callinghimout could caue him to snap but it could also cause him to stop. I really hope it gets him to stop but please be careful. Have an exit route in


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 10:07am

it is most likely going to make him snap..since I have done this before..and he responds with an even louder tone..yes..I got to be aware of that..but I have decided to call him out..lets see..

I was actually thinking of your son..can you put him in some youth group or volunteering..something that would make him feel good about himself.. The lasting affects on kids are what I am also worried about..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 10:19am

it is most likely going to make him snap..(maybe that is what is going to make me AND her leave..) since I have done this before..and he responds with an even louder tone..yes..I got to be aware of that..but I have decided to call him out..lets see..

I was actually thinking of your son..can you put him in some youth group or volunteering..something that would make him feel good about himself.. The lasting affects on kids are what I am also worried about..

One thing I dont get it is - why she gets mad if I even mention anything remotely negative about her dad. I know I am not supposed to "bad mouth"..and I don't..but I may have slipped

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 3:07pm
Only you can make this call, Winter. Please have a safety plan in mind and do what you have to do to stay safe. Keep your cell phone charged and on you at all times, and secure an extra set of keys in your car in case you have to leave in a hurry. I hope the best for you. Keep us posted.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-12-2011 - 9:58pm
There's nothing wrong at all with being assertive or speaking your mind. He has no right to bully you. You can say certain things in a way to let him know you won't stand for it anymore.

If he chooses to become violent, by all means press charges! Don't be a moron like I was.

If he crosses that line, you have him arrested, get a R.O. the next morning while he's still in jail. There's a very good chance you'd get exclusive rights to the house and he won't be allowed to return.










sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 1:25pm

he has been threatening to not pay the bills..I have already paid my share plus all of DD's school expenses..so I told him I can't pay, Ok..this from a guy who makes a very good salary and is still employed. Says I need to start paying more of my share..but I have already paid what I can. When I tried to talk to him this morning, he comes close to my face and grits his teeth..it is scary ! I think it is intimidation and bullying. DD has been acting up too and yesterday she was pushing his buttons by insisting on doing something and he threw his glass of water at her (presumably to make her stop ). I do agree DD keeps on arguing but that is what teens do..and there are better ways to deal with it. I am going to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-13-2011 - 10:03pm
Winter, if he does become violent you would need to press charges!

Unless he's in law enforcement or something, he won't lose his job for misdemeanor battery. I work with plenty of medical professionals that have more than that on their record.

He could become violent tomorrow, who knows. You need to be prepared if he were to do that. You would need to get him out of that house and keep him out.
sweets35