why have I lost courage..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
why have I lost courage..
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 12:33pm

not sure why I am not taking the step..is it these fears

-fear of backlash from dd and him

-involved in big legal mess

-financial issues

-things will get more disruptive (temporarily at least)

not doing anything is leading to

- depression

- how long can someone stay submissive and silent

-mental and physical health going down

yes, i started to take an anti-depresent for 2+ weeks now..maybe it will take affect later..but I still feel paralyzed..or rather courage is gone..I still am reverting to 'yes'...to keep the peace..what is it about me..how can I break this finally..is there a way to take a baby step to not get overwhelmed by fear..part of me..I think doesn't want to leave the "false security"..or rather not ask for all the support/house sale and all thinking of effect on dd..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 10:25pm

If you feel you just can't leave, then don't. If you make the decision to stay you're not a bad mom. You feel this is what's best and that is ok.

I understand why you feel you can't leave, I validate your feelings. I've been there.

Don't beat yourself up over things. You're too hard on yourself. You beat yourself up more than he ever could. You are wraught with indecision.

You're torturing yourself with the indecision.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-18-2011 - 10:43pm

Sweets response made me think of what would happen if you stop stressing over leaving? What if you just forget all about it? Maybe then he would look at you funny and you would say screw you I am leaving? Could thinking about it non stop and wondering why you don't go be why you can't go? I know its not funny but at the same time if you stopped thinking about it and then left I would laugh sorry but I would. But it would be a good laugh.

No one knows for sure why you don't leave. We can tell you why we think you don't but in all honestly none of us know and you may never know why you have stayed. I really think if you stop worring about why you stay and wondering what it will take to get you to leave that it will be easier to leave. I think you are over thinking it and as long as you do your going no where.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 1:08am

Worrying about everything is such a waste of time and energy!

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 7:20am
Winter, you don't have to explain or justify to us, it's totally YOUR call. I hope the anti-depressants work for you. Don't give up just because you haven't "felt" the results yet. Same thing with leaving - you just aren't ready yet. It's that simple. You may be ready tomorrow or you may be ready never. Either way, it's your call. That's where the empowerment comes in. However, I do agree with Fissatore - worrying gets you nowhere. All of the things you list are barriers to leaving, but they are not insurmountable. I kind of like Queen's idea - to just stop thinking about it for a while. There is such a thing as overthinking, and it is your tendency to do this. How about giving your brain a break for a few days and don't think about it at all? Good luck and keep us posted.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 8:54am

I agree with all the posters. That advice is awesome.

What I did in my own case and the way I sort of live my life is I wait for an "opportunity" of sorts.

When I wanted to leave my ex and start over I also was so confused and didnt know whether to leave or go so at one point i stopped worrying and wondering and waited.

One day I met a friend and bingo there was my opportunity. The friend had a house in the next State and that is where I went.

So whenever an opportunity comes my way I take it as a sign or a gift and I go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 11:35am

I too agree that if you can find a way to stop thinking about it for a week or so and give yourself a break you

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Thu, 05-19-2011 - 8:04pm

thank you..i will work on these exercises..i think this is extremely valuable.

all - thanks for writing as well. yes, I can keep it on hold..but I think what happens is when i want to forget it, his persistant bad behavior keeps me from letting it go. that is exactly what therapist says..if I keep coming back to i want to leave, then that means I am not ready to stay or am not able to stay.

So those exercises that Kat provided will help I think.