Why is he being so nice now!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Why is he being so nice now!?!
11
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:01pm

hi everyone,

okay so ever since I have planned my escape from abusive asswipe, i have noticed that he is being really nice, too nice, doing dishes, telling me he loves me, all that stuff. It's kinda scary, like he knows whats going on, but he would have no way of knowing, im sure if he did he would let me know all about it!

I just hate it so much when he is acting all nice and sweet, and has been all week....i start to change my mind about leaving, and i dont want to change my mind, i feel that leaving him is the best for my life., what do i do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:37pm
Don't worry about it. The niceness won't last. It can't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:01am

Because he's keeping you off balance.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:10am

Damn that is what my B/F is pulling right now with "Oh honey what is wrong you seem so mad lately, did I do something?" And that trying to be all hugging and kissing. Although very rarely does he do things for me when he is in his sweet phase. It never last more then a few days to a few weeks. Then it is like a bottle of beer that you hold your finger over and shake, it build up and then sprays everywhere.
I can tell that piece of poop what is wrong he opened up his mouth and spoke to me when all I want to do is stick a fork in is eye! Thank God that we have not had to sleep in the same bed fr over 2 years. I injured my back and was in a lot of pain, I had to kick him to the couch because he snores like a jakehammer right next to my head. To give an example I was sleeping with ear pluggs that were made to wear at a shooting range and I could still hear him snoring but could not hear the baby crying!

Your asswipe will not change, unless he is willing to and is getting help from a professional. Otherwise you are wasting your time. If he has any of the same concepts as my b/f then he most likely never will. I really believe that mine has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and that is one of the hardest types to treat. I know personally I would not treat that disorder if I go into therapy. It is impossible to get though to them because they are deffensive 6 year olds that are bent on having their selfish way.

I really can see where you might rethink your idea on leaving, since I myself have done that now at least 14 times. And everytime with the same ending, Nice guy, is either really nice, buying me things,doing chores around the house, letting me go out with other people, (that is when he really thinks I am fed up and am going to leave). Then there is the denial anything happend guy, this is the one that kinda understood what I was saying but then has a bout of denial that the whole arguement ever even happend, or better yet in mid arguement wil call me names, and say mean things, to provoke me to do something to him, or to scream back, (suprizingly enough I found it quite amusing to remain completely calm while he is throwing a fit, makes him even more mad..then I laugh to myself at what a child he is), then he he will start to make excuses for what he did, almost in a admitting manor, but then side tracks the agruement into how stressed he has been lately or some story he can use to make it sound like I should feel sorry for him. Then the next day acts as if nothing is wrong, and if I am still mad then he will actually ask, " Are you still mad about last night I thought we resolved it, or fixed what ever, or your being over sensitive aren't you?" I sware I almost pushed him out of a moving car one day when this happend. Then there are the arguements that left me feeling that I was in the wrng and he gave me the silent treatment untill I begged for his forgiveness and fr him to understand that I love him and blah..blah..blah. I don't do that one anymore though, that really came to an end about a year ago when I started taking psychology classes and started to do more and more research n my own. I knew the way he treated me was wrong but I thought it might be my fault for being young or dumb or something like that before, but the more that I have learned that I have suffered with low level ADD and co-dependancy that I started to think he was an abuser. But then when I brought that up in a fight he turned it around on me and made me believe I was the one that was abusing him and being selfish.

They never change, I don't think. I would think after 7 years with mine there would be something different about this man. He is a 26 year old loser, that wants to be mommy'd He wont even let me take down this Jim Morrisson piture that he had to hang over our entertainment center. I feel like I live in a very messy bacholar pad. I have even made the comment that he wanted to just make ur house a big version of his old room at home. Of course he would make statement like well it is selfish of you to want to make me live in a house that is all frilly and pink(neither of which is my style anyway). But he could never see his selfishness. I took the piture down, and he put it back up. Then of course he yelled about it too.

I am sorry if I am rambleing on, it just feels great to share what kind of crap that I have gone through and if anyone goes through similar stuff they can realize that it is abuse that they are going through. And it is great just to have ladies that are going throught the same crap out there to talk to. I have come to a point where I can not sleep or eat, and I actually just stated I am goin to my friends house for a little while to hang out, I will be back around 10:30pm. He does nto acknowlegde that I stated when I would be back and say ok have fun, not he says " Huh, yeah right, I know you, it will be 3am before you come back. Don't go staying out all night." After I just said when I would be home, he has to be a jerk. And this is his nice phase..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 11:17am
He probably senses a change in your attitude and can tell that his power over you has slipped for some reason, even if he doesn't know exactly why, and he probably does know that it has a lot to do with how he's treated you, or maybe has some particular things he's done that he wonders if he pushed you too far, so in acting like the nice guy, his goal would still be to regain

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 4:46pm
You are all so right, he is doing all what you said exactly, it feels so nice to talk about it with you's, nice to know im not alone, and jen i think we married twins, lol, my asswipe is 26 also. How do you girls handle it? do you go along with it, how am i suppose to handle this for another couple of months??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 5:17pm

Play the game, basically.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 11:33pm
I left mine three years ago. The ups and downs of being with them are just that ups and downs. The true nature will show again and just be safe and enjoy the peace before the storm and keep planning. My ex was nice and then himself and for over a year after he left he was still trying to get me back saying this and saying that and now his new gf is pregant and I hope for her and this new baby things are going to go better and he changed as he said he did. As for me I'll never buy it, but I can hope and pray for her. As for me I have peace and don't dread the day anymore. I like coming home. Hell, I like me again. Life looks better out from under the dark cloud of abuse. Keep going and know they will never change. HUGS and Prayers to you dear.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 4:03am

OMG! Mine is really laying on thick this time. Like he is acting like everything should be great between us, and that he is not a dick! He is so self deluded that he thinks it is his right to put everyone else down, and that he is so above everyone else that it is ok. I brought up his little comment to me last night and his response was, "well with your track record of, when your friend is upset, and you are all irritated then you stay out til 3am." This track record he speaks of was one night we were going to go to the movies and then ended up going to get pizza and rented 2 movies, my friend and I, and then headed back to her place. By the time we got there it was already 11pm and we watched both movies. He was off the next day and I was not worried because I usually don't go to bed till around 3 anyway. And the last time I stayed out late was like a year ago! And then the latest I stayed out was 1:30am cause I had homework to get done. ANd that really was only a few times. HE has stayed out much later on more occassions then I have, and he never gives me a time when he will be back, cause he is off with his brother and friends, drinking and smoking, so they keep him out till 2 or 3 am almost everytime he hangs out with them.
And he said it so non-chalontly(not sure of the spelling) too like he just assumes me to be irresponsible and stay out all night. When he knew who I was with, and where I was, but when he goes out they often leave where they started out and end up at someone elses house and I have no way of getting him. SO where is that fair? ANd he is pulling the I love you crap with me.

Now tell me anyone does this statement make sense to you? You can only love others after you learn to love yourself. I have read that in countless books and have thought that myself all along, but he agrues with me that you can love others without ever having to love yourself. I say that is not true, becuase you can never accept love or give love untill you are able to like and then love yourself for who you are and what you know you are capable of. Otherwise you are a blackhole, and never feel like you are getting what you need untill you can accept it to be a truth. If you do not even like yourself you can not believe another person could ever like you. Right? I know why he agrues with me because he hates himself deep down inside and does not want to accept that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else cause that would me he really does not love me.
So I jsut let him rant on about how much he hates his job and hates customers that come in and throw fits, and how abusive his district manager is, and then we somehow got onto my friends relationship. She and her boyfriend are already having problems, and honestly it is her own fault, she is very highstrung and her boyfriend is laid back. They have only been dating for a month and they are living together already, and already having problems in the bedroom. So he heard me on the phone with her tonight and decided to start talking about them, somehow we got on the subject of us. Well I said I am still working through a lot of resentment that I hold towards him, and he acted shocked! Like I have never been mean to you, then when I said that he was very mean to me while I was pregnant and pretty much was totally unempathetic toward me in any sense the whole time we have been together. He started blameing all on me, so I just shrugged it off and acted like whatever. I was so pissed. I am a good actress though, I think I learned that from years of having to act like my parents were normal, they still deny ever doing anything to me that would be considered abusive, not a shocker.

I am listening to the Cosby show right now in the backgound and would give my left arm to have any man on that show. They are all loving and nice and caring. Why couldn't I have ended up with a guy like that? Rather then the asswipe I ended up with. I will admit that I have purposly hurt his feelings in retaliation for his actions, I am not proud of it, but I have said things just to get under his skin after he has dished it out. Granted during a fight I have been known to tell him that he is a bad lover, and that he is a total fat pig(not untrue though) and that I get sick when he touches me(also not untrue). I say things I would normally keep to myself because I am a nice person inside, I go by the golden rule " If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and I have pretty much stuck by that untill I am provoked and called every name in the f'n book. It is like sh*t flies out of his mouth without him even understanding what he is saying and like it is selective memory, that is why I would like to tape record him, to have proof to myself that I am not the crazy lunatic.

Unfortunatly there is no acadamy award for acting your ass of to your husband, but it will keep the peace for a while if you just go along with whatever he says and don't stir that little pool of water that he so loves to look into. Like most narcissist I have found if I stand prefectly still in his delusion then everything can be great, but I am just a little too ADHD to stand still that long..LOL.. so I always end up blowing the cover and low up at me.

He kept saying to me tonight why are you trying to pick a fight? I said I was not, I said I was jsut stateing how I feel and if he doesn't like then he is the one starting something. He was like I am not starting something. I said ok then there is no agruement here. ANd it was dropped. But I feel myself getting to where I can not act at this point and I just want to take a baseball bat to his head and knock his head into the computer screen. LOL..but I don't think I could really do that, but it is fun to imagine.

I would say sweetie to jsut do your best and not try to stir the waters, and if you do end up getting into something try to keep your tone as close to a normal tone as you can. If you stay calm then he will eventually give up feeling that he is getting no where, and jsut keep saying I am not mad at you honey, and I don't want to fight right now. I also find the I have a headach or I am sick I need to go lay down, works well for avoiding him altogether. Sick to your stomach works the best cause there really are no symptoms that he can tell you are not sick with. I will tell my b/f that I had vomiting all day while he was gone and now I feel like it is going to come out the other end, lol..then I am like you better stay clear of me cause you don't want to catch this too. It normally works, I have a stomach bug about every other week... and he has yet to catch on. Now I have psorisis breaking out in my femine area, which is his fault for all the stres I am under, I find that ahs actually worked to my benefit, have not had to have sex in over a month. And then it was reduced to like once a month before that. And that was only cause I was drunk and was really really horney, and let him cause I am one of those girls that would like to have sex at least once every other day, but not with him.

The best you can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And wait for the other shoe to drop, that is what it feels like I am doing. What will our next big arguement be, what subject will come up that I will have a different view then him and will he go off on me for being stupid, cause I sware to god if he does it one more time I will not be able to control my response, I will blow up and tell him that is it, again, and then he will keep me up all night blabing about how all our problems are my fault.
I just know one of these days I will be the one with the Ph.D and he will still be a loser making just enough to live on. I will be the one that is free, and I will be the one that is happy because I love myself and will find love somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 12:12pm

wow, thank you all for your replies, I am so grateful for finding this board.

Jen, our jerks are so much alike, everytime I go out he gets mad at me when im not home at a good time, anything past 11pm, i get the third degree, oh okay sorry when I go anywheres with his mom im okay till about 2-3am...?....But when he goes out, its all good!! He can be out all night, drinking and driving and having a blast, he is happy knowing im home alone waiting for him. Yeah well guess what HONEY, this bi*ch aint waiting at home for you anymore, lol, no more worrying about him, oh i cant wait to be free again.

I am trying to keep the peace, it's so hard though because its like I want to piss him off so it will be easier to leave. I keep thinking, if i just keep pissing him off and annoying him, he will just tell me to leave, but i dont think it will be that easy, lol.

I go and see a counseller on monday, i cant wait, cause i really need some strength right now. It feels like i cant deal with the reality of leaving and living for myself, since i was living for him all the time. Im really scared of being on my own. I feel like a little baby, getting thrown out into the world with nothing but my clothes..lol,

I cant wait to meet myself again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 3:52pm

Jen,


I do not agree at all with your SOs statement that it is possible to love someone without loving yourself.

CL-Blueliner4

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