Why is he so nice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Why is he so nice?
7
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:55pm

I was so sure that i needed to go, i know that i have been in this relationhip and been miserable for a long time.

For the past 3 weeks, he has come home early from work, bought me flowers, helped around the house and given me my space.

I know he has done this a million times, but this time he swears it will be different.

I love him because he is the father of my children,but i don't trust him. He lies and has continued to hurt me with the little things that he does. He stayed out all night friday night when he knew that i had a friend to pick up.

Can someone change? Should i give him another chance? I am afaid. i have anxiety.

Any suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:45pm

He is being so nice because he sees that he is losing control over you. He is trying to win you back by bringing you flowers and chocolates. That is all. He hasn't changed yet. He is in the Hearts and flowers stage. Pretty soon it will go to the build-up stage, and then onto the explosion and then back again to the hearts and flowers stage. It will continue to go in this cycle until you break the cycle by leaving. You have gave him many many chances to get better and change, but he has failed each and every time to change. He will not change this time around. He is taking you on a rollercoaster ride.

It will NOT be different this time around. It is exactly the same as all those other times he's done it. and I bet that the last time this happened, he swore that he would be different!!

"but i don't trust him. He lies and has continued to hurt me with the little things that he does." *** Now one of the most imporant things in any kind of relationship is trust.. and you just said you don't trust him. He will hurt you over and over and over again. It will only get worse with time okay. I don't want this to sound harsh or anything, but I want to tell you how it is.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096

My suggestions is that you should not give him another chance. 1% of abusers change. 1%!!! over years and years of therapy and counselling.

"Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by looping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitidues and beliefs regarding partners relationships."

Good Luck.. and follow your gut feeling. It is there for a reason. It wouldn't be telling you something is wrong if nothing was wrong.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:35am

It is so frightening how on target the website is that you sent me. He even made posters stating some of the things on that website.

I must say that I am very lucky to have found you all here. I get so afraid that i am making a mistake, that i get nervous and have panic attacks. Now when i realize this is typical, i feel better.

I must ask you if you think i should go into therapy or would that hurt me during the divorce?

Maddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:08pm

I think that you should definitley go to counselling. It should also be a counsellor that specializes in Domestic Violence. Have you called the Domestic Abuse hotline number yet? That would also be a very good idea. Have you checked out the board website yet? It is under the title on the main page and just click on board website.

Good Luck and keep us posted as how you are doing.
hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:18pm

While considering divorce and receiving counseling myself, I've thought it could only help. If you're seeking a divorce, the support and venting would help. Also, you have a counselor that understands the abuse you're taking. Are you worried that you would seem mentally unstable? Just curious, cause I've been accused. You should most importantly seek counseling to take care of yourself right now, you deserve it. You will feel better.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:02am

i am not so worried about that part. It is just hard to look at my husband being so nice to me. He has never been this nice and been so available. My gut tells me this is only temporary, but the good in me is afraid to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:21pm

"He has never been this nice and been so available."
Let me tell you that when I was with my abuser - his nice phases NEVER lasted! It is the abuse cycle that is going on. Soon enough it will get worse and worse and build up and then eventually he will explode. Then soon after he will be apologizing again and again. It is a never ending cycle until it is broken. The only way it will be broken is if you end it.

"My gut tells me this is only temporary, but the good in me is afraid to leave."
** This is a very important key. You gut feeling. It really is telling you the truth. Sometimes we ignore and and then what happens.. I sure regretted not listening to my gut feeling. It is telling you this for a reason. Your gut feeling is a very important key and if you don't use that key, it won't open any doors. Of course you are afraid to leave. I was terrified. I was so scared about what my abuser would do. I really thought he would try and kill himself. But he didn't and he is fine now. I am almost postive that we were all terrified to leave our abusers. But you know what, I haven't heard one story of someone saying that they regret leaving.

Take Care
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:49am

It's good that you are getting some sort of a reprieve, but remember, three weeks isn't long enough to determine anything. Actors on movie shoots stay in character for that amount of time. So, that really doesn't tell you anything, unfortunately. :(

Can he change? While nothing is impossible, the odds are overwhelmingly not good. Only 1% of abusers ever do change, and that is *after* admitting full responsibility for what they've done and intensive therapy. I wish I could say that I thought this was more than the "sweet baby" portion of the cycle, but I tend to think not. :(

Our website, accessible through the Start page, discusses "How to Tell if he is Changing". Take a look at that and see if it applies. If not, he may not be. :(

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