why is this so hard?
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why is this so hard?
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:03am |
I left my abuser Feb 28th--kicked him out for good. I had put up with the abuse for long enough-- or so I thought. He was both physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse came more in threats but sometimes he did act out. When I was 8 months pregnant with his child he picked me up by my neck and threw me on the bed and then punched me in my arm so hard he left a bruise for 2 weeks. He says I am abusive, I did fight back sometimes, but it was to get him away from me. He broke many of the things I worked so hard for and had no regrets punching holes in the doors and walls of the townhouse we rented. I have no clue how much that will cost me. He snapped my cell phone in half so many times (4) that I lost insurance on it. I ALWAYS took up for him and believed in him. He always blamed me for EVERYTHING. He came to the hospital the night I was in labor with my son and said that he would be back. I had him early the next morning with my mother by my side, but not him. When I called to tell him that our son was born, he blamed me for not calling him and telling him he was about to be born. What did he think was happening? Then I got accused of cheating on him and our son not being his. It hurt so much and I went through HELL in the hospital. Well, just recently I was pregnant again, I found out 2 days before I kicked him out. Two weeks later I started bleeding, I suffered my first miscarriage. He had told me when I was preg with our son that if I had a miscarriage that he would hate me forever-- he said women are in control of whether or not they have a m/c. That voice resignated through my head while this m/c was happening. And when I called him FOOLISHLY to seek comfort, he only yelled at me for being the reason that we broke up and just making me feel HORRIBLE. The next day I checked my voicemail and he had left a message that he wanted to be with me and was thinking of me. I was crying to him earlier for comfort and he didn't give it to me-- and then when I ignored his calls he wanted me back?? That's about par for course for him. Honestly I was about to take him back, I was miserable and even if it was the wrong kind I needed his love so bad. Well, later that day I get a call at work from my sister. She was staying at my house waiting for a living room suite to come that I ordered. Well, a lady from child protective services came to the house looking for me. I talked to her the next day and found out why. Someone ANONYMOUSLY called them saying that I beat D (the abuser) while holding our son, I scream at him while holding our son, I let our son cry and do not take care of him and I have a mental illness that I do not take meds for. I later found out it was his sister that called. All of these are FALSE allegations. I take very good care of our son and am the sole person financially responsible for him -- D has not given me a penny in 6 weeks and has only given me a TOTAL of 950 in the last 15 months-- for bills and our son!!! His half would atleast be $800 a month. Anyway, I told D not to have any contact with me. Everything checked out with CPS and they are closing the issue. I have gone and filed for sole custody of our son and filed for child support. I did not talk to him for 8 days and then saw him in a public place last saturday night. He was drinking. He called me and left vm messages that I was still fine as a MF'er (he used the real word LOL) and to call him, he wanted to talk to me he missed me-- 3 messages total. I answered none of them. Well the next day I FOOLISHLY called him to tell him I never got a money order he claimed to have sent. I told him also to not call me leaving innappropriate messages. Well, he calls me again on Tuesday night saying that I have been calling him and blocking my number and if I want to talk to him, to just call and talk. i was asleep when he called and told him that infact I have not called him and it was probably his new girlfriend checking up on him. He hangs up on me and i call him back and tell him that he does not need to hang up on me he can say bye or SOMETHING. Well, this girl gets on the phone and tells me that D does not want to be with me anymore and that he ate her P**** last night and was going to do it again tonight. I hung up the phone and cried so hard that I could not stop puking. i could not get control of my emotions. This man has such control over everything about me. He was so possessive and so jealous. I was not allowed to dress up, i hardly wore makeup. i looked like a bum when I was with him. He never wanted to take me anywhere, I stayed home all the time. But for some reason it still hurts. I still have these feelings for him, I still check my phone to see if he has called. He hasn't and I don't intend calling him eihter. What is my problem though? Why am I doing this to myself and why can't I just let go???

Welcome, Sondra.