Wife Rape (...long...)
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| Sat, 10-07-2006 - 1:02am |
Last night DH and I got into bed to go to sleep. He had asked me if I got to take a shower today (always a loaded question, shower=shaving=oral sex). I say yes. We talk about a couple other things and then he asks (or tells me) if I want to get on top (his code word for please come make love to me). I don't, I'm nearly asleep and he says okay I'll just let you sleep.
Then almost out and he starts whispering all these things, at first I didn't even realize he was talking, but then something woke me completely - though I didn't move and was able to hear what he was saying.
"I'm sorry I'm such a F-up"
"I'm sorry I'm not so-and-so"
"I should have married so-and-so, he could make you happy."
"I'm sorry I don't sexually arouse you"
and so on and so on and so on
just basically woe-is-me over and over.
We have this stupid arguements every other month or so about how I don't want sex as much as him and I don't intinate (sp?) sex and don't want to kiss him and on and on and on. And he needs it so often and has needs and all that BS. We always need up "making up" but it doesn't matter how much I give "it" to him it's never as much as he wants it and he's never home enough for me to give it to him as much as he wants it.
In a perfect world, I guess I'd just be ready to go when he got home super late from work everynight, after I'd made the kids dinner, put them to bed, did all the cleaning and laundry and everything else that goes into running a house and be ready to go, wet and all, when he walked in the door. No talking needed. Just Whomp here I am!
Well that doesn't happen.
Anyway, back to my last night story, since above explanation of arguement didn't happen last night. I'm laying there pretending to be asleep listening to his woe-is-me talk and he starts rubbing me. Then he pulls down my pants (me still "asleep") and messes around down there a little bit with his month and fingers. Then he gets up and goes out of the room. Me, still not moving -still asleep - wondering WTH? He comes back with something, I don't know what, but climbs back under the covers and on top of me and messes again with fingers and mouth and then the something that he has. Penetrates both holes with it and then penetrates my anus with his penis. I scream out in pain - because my body cramps all up and is now having mini convulsions from the inside. We never have anal sex - I don't like it and have told him the many times he's tried no. It hurt so bad. So he pulls out and penetrates the other hole and finishes. I don't move, out of pain and fear and just awe and disgust.
He says I didn't mean to hurt you!
He's done this before, I'll wake up with him inside me, from being sound asleep, many times. Sometimes in waking up, I don't let on that I'm awake and he'll finish and just pulls my pants back up and rolls over and goes to sleep himself.
He's repeatedly told him that in Indiana (where we live) there's no law that says a husband can't rape his wife. HE got that information from his brother who cheats on his wife for "numerous reasons". But anyway, I get to thinking - that can't be right and rape is rape is rape regardless of relationship and prior consent to sex does not make consent universal. So I hop online at work tonight and Indiana is one of the states that "Husbands have no exception from Rape Prosectutions. Married women have the same protection as any other victum. Some states say that there must be force, but not Indiana.
All day I've been in a funk, not believing what he did (don't know why if he's done it before) and even when he hurt me he went ahead and got his anyway. He is suicidual, his brother just passed away, he wasn't stable before his brother passed away, he has a drug problem and coping issues, he is not violent with me or my children, though sex without consent and rape is pretty violence, I guess I've just been assulted with a strange weapon.
I just don't know what to do or say. I talked to him today and he was talking about how much yesterday sucked, he made his family made (another issue) and he did something mean to his wife (rape!) and something else and something else. I didn't even say anything, I couldn't even address the issue. I wanted so much to say, yeah "raped your wife", but just sat there. I spent all morning and day in bed, ate breakfast and lunch in bed, I made it for the kids, called them to eat and took mine in the bedroom. I got up a played the piano and bit before leaving for work.
I was raped before (a good friend adn I had had sex with before, we were both drunk, but I said no, many, many times, but he was bigger and I too drunk adn weak, couldn't move.) DH has raped me before when I have said no, and while being asleep. I'm been abused before and left (not by DH, but an ex (actually my oldest DD's dad) but went back. He ended up leaving and then wanting back and I said no and he shot himself.
I am very confused. My house, my dds, my family, my husband, but we need help, he needs help and won't let anyone help him. He won't talk to anyone, tells me repeatedly that he hates it here (on earth) and doesn't wanna be here, but won't leave us (me and dds). It's seems like such a small thing to just let it blow over and go on (--he calls from home--like nothing has happened) but I guess to him nothing out of the ordinary has happened, if it's happened before and I haven't left, I'm letting it happen (well not really).
I don't wanna make excuses for him, his work sucks, he's there from 10 until 10 or later most days, he gets 2 days off a week, which he "watches" the kids while I'm at work and school and considers that "work" - well yeah - I do it every day!! His brother just died, his father's an acholic (sp?) not I'm jsut listing everything that's ever gone wrong in his life and damn it - Sh*t happens and people all over the world and stuff happen and they don't rape their wives.
It's not right, not at all. I don't care if the bible says that my body is not my body its his, it's sitll mine and God gave me free will and control over it. I'm hurt and lost and just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading,
Erin
Edited 10/7/2006 1:04 am ET by e13lorena

Hi Erin - Welcome to the board :o)
I want you to check out this website about womens laws. Sounds like you might have already checked out laws... but this is a good website. www.womenslaw.org
I am concerned about your H. What he is doing is wrong. He has no right to do that. Have you tried to stop him before from going thru with it?? If you did, did he get mad and say that you like it? How many times has he does this to you? It is a tough situation because of his Brother, father and he does sound suicidal. You do not deserve this.
How does your husband treat you outside of the bedroom? Does he show any signs of abuse? Here is some warning signs for you to check out:
-maltreatment: cruel or inhumane treatment
-mistreat: treat badly
-a rude expression intended to offend or hurt
-use foul or abusive language towards
-Abuse is a general term for the misuse of a person or thing, causing harm to the person or thing, to the abuser, or to someone else. Abuse can be something as simple as damaging a piece of equipment through using it the wrong way, or as serious as severe maltreatment of a person. Abuse may be direct and overt, or may be disguised and covert.
-Attempting to cause or causing physical harm Placing another in fear of imminent serious physical harm (applies to threats and to situations where the abuser has assaulted the victim but no battery has occurred. Causing another to engage involuntarily in sexual relations by force, threat or duress
-Treating another person with physical or mental cruelty, usually on a regular basis and against their will.
-Improper care of another person by the legal guardian.
-pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
-threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
-threatening suicide to get you to do something
-using or threatening to use a weapon against you
-keeping or taking your paycheck
-puts you down or makes you feel bad
-forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
-keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
From this list - he does abuse you... He is forcing you to have sex with him or to do sexual acts you do not want or like. Has he threatened suicide to you at all?
Please keep us posted. We are all here for you.
Hugs. Lauren
A good friend of mine recently gave me the following lecture:
"No is no even if you are married!"
Honey, he's not respecting you if he is having sex with you "while asleep". You deserve respect! Can I make a suggestion, pretending to be asleep doesn't stop him from doing what he wants. Stop pretending to be asleep - if you don't want to have sex you don't have to. Say that to yourself over and over again 'till you believe it.
You said something at the end of your post about the bible saying your body is his. I know it is very hard for us with religious backrounds (I'm Catholic and divorce is a major no-no among other things). I can't believe God would want you to subject yourself to mistreatment. If your body is his, then he has an obligation to treat it with respect and he is not doing that.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
The bible also says that a man is to love his wife as he loves the church.
A man doesnt love the church if he takes money out of the collection plate instead of putting money in!
The Bible also says, 1 Corinthians 13:
Love is patient and kind not jealous or conceited or proud. Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable. Love does not keep a record of wrongs.
Romans 15: also says that " we should not please ourselves rather please others" If your H is just taking what he wants/ pleasing himself he is not acting out of love.
Remeber your body is a temple to god and what your H does to hurt you he is hurting God and there, himself.
I wish you well.. Dolphin_Min