Will i EVER sleep normally again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Will i EVER sleep normally again??
3
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:10am

I know i will ... but I just finally got up.

Mike, SO TOTALLY, has NO idea this is coming. The past couple weeks he has been so "normal" & actually pleasant & helpful. But as always, it will all turn around eventually, it always does. So its not like i am changing, or WILL ever, change my mind. I am done. Period.

I talked w/ my therapist today & a atty's assistant. I am having a REALLY hard time w/ the idea of the restraining order, right off the bat. (I think i will file around the 2nd-3rd week of March - he will be off the meds & able to support himself & i will have put aside ... hidden ... a good amount of $). The original plan was to file a restraining order 1st, as you all know. Based on his past history of threats & near physical assault a few times - the atty said i would have NO problem getting the restraining order & he would prefer me to do that. But i dont want to do that if i dont HAVE to. I really really dont. It would mean at least a minimum of 21 days that he couldnt have any contact w/ me or w/ Averey. I dont think he could survive that, w/o Averey, literally. But eveb more so, i think Averey will be quite negatively affected by her not being able to see him, after his moving out. But the issue of him saying VERY innapropriate things to her when mad at me (as you all have heard) - is huge. So, if he is going to be like that w/ her, i cant let him see her till he simmers down.

The therapist (who knows him well) talked about de-escalating the situation from the beginning, if possible, & certainly starting off w/ his being served, out of the blue, & escorted back home to be followed around the house by police while he gets this things, while Averey & I & the animals have dissapeared, is no way to DE -escalte things. It will most CERTAINLY only escalate his behavior. I KNOW its his choice & HIS behavior & i cant "control" it, but i do have some power in how he is served & how it is handeled. But then again, i dont want to have Averey or i in any danger ... emotional or physical. I hate to say this, but truly, if he really wanted to hurt me, a restraining order is NOT going to stop him. What it will do it make my case more solid. But man, its pretty solid as it is at this point ... w/o actual physical assault. I am just feeling that - although he in NO way DESERVES a chance - i want to give him the chance to do this the right way. The chance to not lose touch w/ Averey for such a long period of time, the chance to not ruin his reputation & not lose the opportunity for the fire dept (which a restraining order will pretty much ensure), to just accept that i am done - & he needs to go on with his life WITH Averey in it ... if he can hold himself together. Filing the restraining order right off the bat will ENSURE it is ugly, crazed & VERY stressfull right from the get-go. I so dont want it to be that way. Maybe it WILL be ... & thats ok then. If there is even a second of his threatening or acting out, then i would file the R.O. immedietly, w/o any guilt or looking back.

It sucks, plain & simple. I FINALLY come to the decision on what to do, only to find that its not JUST filing for divorce. Its choosing the right way to go about it .... for Averey & I.

What i REALLY WANT to try (based on what the atty assistant said today, & i will check it w/ the atty directly) is to file for divorce 1st, & have the papers held until i tell them to serve them. I will sit down w/ him (not alone) & tell him i have filed & he needs to move out. That Averey & I will leave for a couple of days, (i will remove anything of major value from out home that he may damage or take - sentimental stuff, jewlery, etc ... everything else, if needed, COULD be replaced) but he needs to be OUT when i get back (& again, i wont come back alone & my family will stay w/ me for a week or so, to be sure things are ok). & I will tell him that i dont want to, but i will not hesitate to file a restraining order & to have him removed, if he gives me ONE SECOND of fear at all - or starts to say innapropriate things or use Averey - then i will be in court 1st thing the next AM to get a restraining order. I want him to understand that i dont want to take Averey away at all, that i want him to still see her, he can have her every nite i work (which if he is sane, is another HUGE stress off me of who can stay with her nites while i work) - which would be a way more than he would get for visitation, especailly if i get the restraining order -*IF* he can keep himself together & not be drinking either (he has never drank while caring for her). I will not let her be anymore negatively affected by all of this than she has to be. WE are the adults here & this is OUR issue, not hers.

But i have a terrible feeling he will just be insane. & if thats the case, then fine, i will get the R.O. based on that - w/ NO 2nd guessing. When i talked w/ the atty's assistant today who said i could do it this way & it shouldnt be an issue (we were worried about his threat to lie about me assaulting him so i would get arressted, she said that w/o some physical PROOF that i hurt him ... if divorce papers are filed & then he goes to have me arrested, they will not beleive him w/o some proof or witness) - & i started thinking that maybe i COULD do this w/o the R.O. (which can only be granted on an emergency basis, which means court that AM & testifying why i need one, the court filing it then & there, then sending out the sherrif & police to find him & serve him & escort him out of our home .... all while i will have to figure out having Averey & the animals out & his stuff packed up ... ) - i just cant stand the thought of all that STRESS ... once i was told there was the possibiliy of NOT going thru all that, i did feel a TON of releif. I talked w/ people who know him ... the therapist, my Dad ... my best freind ... & we all feel maybe the possibility is there to do it this way. Of course, it could all change tomorrow, i have to take this one day, one minute, at a time ... but i need SOME sort of plan I can be comfortable with. & at THIS moment, i think this is it.

Thanks for listening ... again. & i do realize some of you may have totally different ideas about this, & its fine - i want to hear what you think. Honestly. Even if its not what you think i WANT to hear.

R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 8:20am

Have thought of something else ... if i dont do the R.O., i will not EVER be alone with him - AND i wont let him see Averey unsupervised until things settle down - even it that means MONTHS. That way he cannot say the things he has in the past to her, if someone else is there ... & if I witness it, then i will get the R.O. based on emotional abuse of her, AND all the physical threats to me. & if he refuses to visit her supervised, then i will just get the R.O. right off the bat.

R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:00pm
Since you requested opinions, I think you should treat this like war and do everything you need to do to have the best results for yourself. That is how abusers view things-relationships or divorces. They are interested in control and power, not in working together. I would not want to work with a person that would screw me over in a second. Nor would I want to give him any advantage. Have you consulted your lawyer if the R.O. would ruin his chances. Because I think a civil R.O. may be looked at differently than a criminal R.O. as far as workwise. My ex used that same line on me too about not being able to find a job. Which I found out in my state, the civil order does not ruin your chances with the backround checks like the criminal order, and even if it did,not my problem. 3 weeks is a long time, but you don't really know how he will react after a divorce. It isn't unheard of for men to decrease the amount of time they spend with their kids. What if after the divorce he goes longer than 3 weeks without seeing your daughter on a regular basis, but you didn't file a R.O. in a timely manner cause you were concerned about the 3 weeks, and something bad happened because of it like him having a chance to prepare his case and make accusations and file an R.O. against you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:09pm
But you may not have that kind of control over the situation if he decides to be an a##hole about this. He may go to court and request and be given liberal unsupervised visitation, he may get an aggressive lawyer and make all kinds of counter accusations, he may file his own R.O. At the D.V. shelter I go too there are men who have their wive's or ex-wive's in court for years. There are all kind of court dates and trials and mediators and evaluators. These people basically investigate both households and decide who is the better parent. Some evaluators have ruled that domestic abuse on the father's part toward the mother had no bearing on him as a parent because he didn't hurt the kids. This woman is going to trial to determine if she should keep custody of her kids because he wants custody or rather he wants to hurt her through requesting custody. Another case the evaluator said past drug use had no bearing because the abuser had completed court ordered rehab(even though there was evidence of continued use). Another case the father slit his wrists in front of his 3 and 5 year olds and had some visits with a court recommended psychiatrist, was pronounced stable by psychiatrist, and now has unsupervised visits with his kids. I guess because I've seen the worst situations, I would say take no chances and give him no advantage.